DP bought us a house without telling me

I don't want to go into too many details on here but I did something very similar to what the OP's partner has done once.

The reason was that I felt insecure because my partner would not commit to marriage and I was living in his home, contributing to bills but building no financial security.

I wanted the sale to go through first because I didn't quite believe it would and then I told him.

He understood my reasons and that my actions had been driven by insecurity due to his actions (or lack of them), and in the end he made the changes I was looking for, seeing I was in earnest, and things worked out, for a long time anyway. They ended much later and for very different reasons.

Possibly this story is not relevant at all, as OP's partner may have acted for very different reasons to me.

I am just saying, do listen to him first OP, and try to understand where he is coming from. His actions certainly say something. But they don't necessarily say "I don't love you and don't want to be with you". They do say "I need things to change".

Whether those changes work for you, or not, is of course entirely up to you.

Certainly don't move into his house if you don't love him and no longer want to be with him.

But if you were entirely happy before, I would give yourself time to think it through before you decide.

I realise I will be more or less a lone voice saying this, and it does stem from my own unusual experience.

My actions made perfect sense to me, and once explained, my partner agreed they made sense to him too, in our context.

Do not give up your house. He is totally out of order doing this.

@mrsdineen2, it idepends on where the OP lives.

In many areas of London, £2k per month is not that unusual for a 3-bed house and many singletons are paying £1k per month or more for a one-bed flat. However, the OP did mention that she had a Johnnie Johnson house, so is more likely in the North of England. In this case, the savings are likely to be less.

Either way, the OP was foolish to allow him to move in with her and her children so quickly and to stay rent-free. The OP would be even more foolish to give up her home and move in with him.

OP
Having your name on the deeds, even if he does it BEFORE you give up your tenancy, does not mean that you own half the house!

It means that he cannot throw you out, but he can force a sale upon you, and you would only have a part of the equity.

If he has bought outright, ie no mortgage, then your share if you break up may be a bit larger. If he has the house on a mortgage, or sets loans against it, your share will be smaller.
You risk losing a good secure tenancy to fulfil a dream of having a fractional value of a house - if that.
Marriage may entitle you to more, but it won't be 50/50 from day 1, unless you can show contribution. Time in the marriage increases your security
You need legal advice.

I hope you are saying “ he needs to marry you” with your tongue in your cheek.

He has lied to her every day for ten years. Do you think a piece of paper is going to cure him of that habit.

What he is looking for is a warm body in his bed who will also oblige by paying half of his living expenses, or possibly more since -bless his little cotton socks- he is the one who has shelled out on buying a house conveniently forgetting that if he had not been a cock lodger for ten years leeching off the OP he would still be homeless and sleeping in a van.

She asked him to buy a house with her. He said no. And went ahead in secret and bought a house himself so it's hardly the same thing.

Wow unbelievable the nerve of this guy. I'm sorry you're in this situation, he has used you for 10 years for a roof over his head and to save up to buy his own house.
It must hurt a lot but think clearly and do not understand any circumstances give up your own security. Unless he marries you before you give up your house then you can move in.
Otherwise live separately - date him if you can't be without him and can get over the betrayal but that's it.

You will be just fine

OP he needs to marry you. That's the only way to solve this.

You can't move in without losing your HA place so he's just playing you with this. You'll move in and it will never happen.

If he's been with you that long, it's time he married you and you gain the full legal contract that comes with marriage. Enough already of this selfish git.

@Collaborate The OP did you explain what he’s paid for in one of her updates:

He was paying for food shopping and he also bought me a car outright and was paying the insurance for me. He is on a lot of money so he was able to save

He has never contributed to the rent or household bills ( aside from food). The car does seem a generous gift, but is it registered in her name? If not, that’s his as well!

I appreciate what you’re saying about women being encouraged to buy their own places, but I think it’s the secrecy that’s really upset the OP. He’s been saving while she’s covered almost everything else.

I'm just coming on here to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. So devastating to think your partner was so false and duplicitous.
You are not the first person this has happened to and you will not be the last.
You have 3 children who sound like they doing well and a home you like and are secure in.
That's a big achievement and you should be proud of yourself
You are a victim of abuse financial and emotional.This type of person is skilled at manipulation and most moral decent people like you cannot conceive of how awful they are.
You've been given lots of advice on here but please get yourself some counselling after you've moved on from him.

Bloody hell! How do you keep that a secret from your partner of 10 years? That is callous & duplicitous.

Was he using you all this time, trying to improve his status? I'm sorry to say, I don't think he was thinking about you when he made this decision & this purchase.

If it's not actually gone through yet then it might not go through at all. How do you know it's going to happen? Has he shared mortgage details with you? How long until it is due to go through?

In your position then I wouldn't be moving in there until married and you get your name on the paperwork for the house - and you understand what you would need to pay (and risk of it going up).

As others have said you risk being homeless if you move and the relationship doesn't work out (or if he has miscalculated and he can't afford to pay for the house, or taken out the wrong sort of mortgage and his costs suddenly go up).

He's taken the piss for sure, but you think a 3 bed housing association rental has a market value of £2k per month, for him to have saved his half of that?

Don't exaggerate.

Do NOT give up your house. My niece gave up a lovely 3 bed social housing property in a very nice area to move her and her 2 children in with her long-term boyfriend. Within a few months he became abusive and she is now in a grotty flat in a run-down area. She is now receiving treatment for depression and her children are miserable. The chances of her ever getting another SH property is zilch. Her life is ruined and he doesn't care a jot.

You're right op. You need to stay put where you are. And end things. He's sly and not to be trusted. He knew how much you wanted this and he's done it all on his own, behind your back, and only in his name! 😡

You will be okay. Go on entitledto website and put your info in. See what help you'd get eg child benefit, UC, etc. like you say you could also maybe get some additional work if you needed to.

I'd also say to encourage your teens to get a little job too when their ages are right to do so, and to help ease the financial burden of all the little extras they want and need. My mum encouraged us all to get part time work and we used it for anything non essential we wanted, plus it helped us learn the value of money and spending wisely etc.

Back to him, has he just been paying for food?!? 🤯😡 I hope not!! If so he's been an absolute cock lodger all this time. 🙄

yes, committing benefit fraud would definitely solve this problem

So basically he was living in his car, shacked up with you within 2 months of meeting you, paid minimum contributions, which allowed him to save up for his own house.

And he won't put you on the deeds until you give up your secure social house and move in?! Hahahahahaa! He clearly thinks you're a mug!

Ah. just spotted that this has been dealt with. OP, stay where you are, he only wants someone to contribute to the upkeep of his new house, he is going to get a big shock when he has to pay his own way. You have a secure tenancy and home do not risk losing that for a loser.

You can’t just be put on the deeds if he has a mortgage. You would need to be on the mortgage. I would not give up a 3 bed housing association home in a nice area as they are like gold dust and you’d unlikely get that again. Sounds suspicious what he has done anyway. You can still stay together if you love him but definitely don’t move in with him.

Please learn from this. You chose not to have your ideal scenario and let him move in months sooner. I'm not having a go, just saying use this for next time.

Has he been contributing to the rent and expense of your current HA home, or just pocketing his savings to pay for the property he has bought in his name?

It's not the same as those other scenarios though – OP didn't even know that paying half towards a property was even an option. If you RTFT properly, which you obviously haven't, you'll see OP confirmed that he didn't pay half of the bills – he only paid for groceries. So, if he hadn't been cock-lodging and only paying towards the food bill for 10 YEARS, she might have had some spare cash to put towards savings. It makes it very much bastard behaviour to watch a mother of three struggle to cover ALL the utilities and the rent month in, month out, for an entire decade while secretly squirrelling away tens of thousands, if not more. Buying a car for a few grand while she's covered everything else bar food does not make him generous, it makes him a stingy A-hole who has got away with the bare minimum. Now he's trying to blackmail OP into giving up the security of her HA property by saying he'll only put her name on the deeds if she moves in. How on earth can she trust him to do that?

Frankly, his behaviour is indefensible.

I’d be telling him to move out right now and I wouldn’t be listening to any of his bullshite.