Page 4 | DP bought us a house without telling me

pineapplesundae · 01/06/2024 18:35

How bout getting married?

Notamum12345577 · 01/06/2024 18:34

Just as an aside, if he puts you on the deeds, and you then split up, you could still lose your HA place as you would own a house. And you cannot live in a HA while owning another property. If they found out they would probably start proceedings to evict

Ilovecleaning · 01/06/2024 18:26

Bloody WEIRD behaviour from a partner. Simply not normal.
Do NOT give up your HA home.

windinthehills · 01/06/2024 18:17

Please don't move unless your name is on the deeds and you have a deed of trust saying what your share of the house is. That's if you trust him enough to move in anyway.
I learned the hard way that I should have done this years ago - when I left my ex I had to fight for my share of our house because we didn't do a deed of trust and I had paid for 75% of the house. It was my word against his when it came to it and it cost a fortune in legal fees to fight my side which I had to pay for.

MustWeDoThis · 01/06/2024 18:15

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

Tell him you're not moving in until your name is on the deeds, and if they aren't- Tell him you won't be signing over your tenancy until your name is on the deeds.

That's when you will fine out his true colours. It sounds like he's also dubious of you because he feels as though you could do him over if you don't move in and your name is on the deeds.

You both have trust issues. Not trusting one another is a sign it is also over, but I also think there is room for more communication.

You both need to sit down and discuss the topic of trust and why you are tip-toeing around one another, why you don't trust one another, and is it really worth throwing away 10 years because of pride? He could be honest and wanted to surprise you - He even bought you a car and you have been financially reliant on him, along with your children. Has he ever been selfish with money?

While what he did was a little bit silly, he still bought you and your children a house.

Thank him for doing this, but Tell him your name needs to be on th3 deeds because you're distressed and anxious.

KazziD · 01/06/2024 18:11

Obviously, he couldn’t put you on the papers if you wasn’t aware, perhaps now you are the house could be in both your names, ask him to do that now. If he isn’t willing to then maybe it’s time to move on. Like others have said you can get help with UC etc… A relationship needs to be built on trust and after 10 years he should trust you enough to add your name and maybe get married if he is serious. Personally, I think it although stressful buying a house it is a special event to choose one together, but maybe he did want to surprise you. Do not give up your current home until your name is also on the deeds. Best wishes…

ThistleTits · 01/06/2024 18:08

OCaledonia · 31/05/2024 15:02

If you go back to being a single person you will be entitled to all sorts of benefits, check on the govt website or "entitled to" I would caution against giving up your HA home .

Definitely this ^. Do not give up your home. You know that it's over between you. He won't put you on the deeds. There will also be an excuse as to why he can't. You have and will continue to subsidise his house.

Exdonkeylover · 01/06/2024 17:55

Chersfrozenface · 31/05/2024 14:58

He expects you to move from a house where you, and your children while they live with you, have security of tenure as long as you want (and you pay the rent) to a house where you can be thrown out and be made homeless on his whim.

Ask him how that is respectful and considerate.

This. Bang on.

If the relationship fails, it's around 1-2 years to get rehoused at best. Look after yourself and kids first. Stay put

helpplease01 · 01/06/2024 17:54

Take in a lodger to help cover his lost contribution .
Tell him to move into his house without you.
Honestly…. When people show you who they really are.. Don’t ignore it. I’m afraid you have been used, for 10 years!!!

Do not jump out of the fat and into the fire!!
Look as this as a new chapter in your life.
Dump the sneaky worm of a man. He’s not going to chase you. You know what to do.
You can, and must do it.
Good luck and be strong!

Nanaof1 · 01/06/2024 17:05

AutumnFroglets · 01/06/2024 15:40

Try reading all of the OPs posts before commenting (on this thread and the other) . It will stop you looking like a twat. She pays all the bills. She pays for her children. She is not the gold digger here.

His pays for food shopping and he pays for my car (insurance) for me as well.

Show quote history

You are expecting WAY too much from that poster. They enjoy making up stories, being nasty-azzed and telling "fibs". It's like watching "The Real World; Incel Version".

AutumnFroglets · 01/06/2024 15:40

OneLimeShark · 01/06/2024 13:48

You admitted he paid the bills and you wouldn't have got by without him so he didn't use you at all - you both benefitted from the arrangement.

And it seems like he is the one that would end up paying for mortgage so why would he give half of it away? After all he is not the father, or even stepfather, to your three kids yet they would be entitled to inherit it and maybe he wants to leave it for his own kids when he has them?

You both contributed thus far and he isn't abandoning you but, to me, it seems like you want a freebie - you can't even pay your bills without him so will you pay the mortgage but you want half of HIS home?

Classic entitlement and gold digging. I don't blame him one bit. You are a walking red flag and HE should dump YOU.

Try reading all of the OPs posts before commenting (on this thread and the other) . It will stop you looking like a twat. She pays all the bills. She pays for her children. She is not the gold digger here.

His pays for food shopping and he pays for my car (insurance) for me as well.

OneLimeShark · 01/06/2024 13:48

You admitted he paid the bills and you wouldn't have got by without him so he didn't use you at all - you both benefitted from the arrangement.

And it seems like he is the one that would end up paying for mortgage so why would he give half of it away? After all he is not the father, or even stepfather, to your three kids yet they would be entitled to inherit it and maybe he wants to leave it for his own kids when he has them?

You both contributed thus far and he isn't abandoning you but, to me, it seems like you want a freebie - you can't even pay your bills without him so will you pay the mortgage but you want half of HIS home?

Classic entitlement and gold digging. I don't blame him one bit. You are a walking red flag and HE should dump YOU.

NoraBattysCurlers · 01/06/2024 13:05

Losetowin · 01/06/2024 01:59

yeah tbh as bad as the situation is with him squirrelling his money away all
these years - I can think of far worse scenarios that occur after moving a man in with young children in the house

Show quote history

Indeed.

His motivation to move in with OP straight away was to have free accommodation so that he could leech off OP for over a decade in order to squirrel away money to buy his own home. It is probably one of the less reprehensivle reasons to move in straight-away.

There are far worse scenarios where a new man is moved in quickly with young children. His plan could have been to use his money for alcohol and drugs. There was also the danger that he had deviant motivations towards her children.

The OP and her children got off lightly.

Dweetfidilove · 01/06/2024 10:32

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:45

Perhaps a second, third job and not waiting for a guy to pump his money would solve this problem.

Perhaps reading to comprehend would solve your problem.

rwalker · 01/06/2024 10:31

keep your house don’t give that up
but from his point of view he has no security you could kick him out today
if you bought a house together would you be in a position to contribute to the deposit and pay 1/2 the mortgage and maintenance or would he be paying for the lot a basically giving you 1/2 of it by putting you on the deeds

I don’t think there’s any winners in this situation and just a question of doing what’s best for you

Dweetfidilove · 01/06/2024 10:29

liveforsummer · 01/06/2024 06:19

Even if he did put you on the deeds (doesn't sound likely) you'd still be in a similar position when you decided to leave - and it's likely you will. Your eyes have been opened now so you will start noticing other things. If you decided to leave you'd still need to be the one that moved out and would have lost your secure home. You might get a bit of money back eventually but what about the mean time. You don't just get handed a half share on the day you move out. Could take a significant time and legal fees. I have a Monday to Friday job and do something totally unrelated (bar work) on the weekend which helps me a lot as a single parent. You will get benefited as a single person and at least for youngest dc. There are lots of ways to cut back.

Agree. This man is not a safe bet at all 🚩

Tunefultwix · 01/06/2024 10:16

kitchenhelprequired · 01/06/2024 06:41

If your 17 year old is planning on going to uni are you aware that for student loan purposes both yours and DP's incomes are taken into account for student loan purposes? It sounds like your DC would get full maintenance loan on your income alone but there would be an expectation of a possibly significant top up if based on yours & DP's. Is DP going to help with that? It's wrong on so many levels but it is the system. Just thought it worth mentioning as it could be another area you are financially disadvantaged in the near future by staying with a DP who seems to have massively taken advantage over a long period of time. Stay in your secure housing and see what you're entitled to claim.

I was wondering about this. It could be that the OP would be better off financially if he moves out, even if she wishes to continue the relationship.

AutumnFroglets · 01/06/2024 10:14

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:42

Has she been depended on him financially for the past 10 years? Because if so, then he has contributed fairly to the household expenses.

Try reading all the OPs posts before posting shite. It's very easy to filter, just click on "Ops posts: See all" link in first post.

yespleasetococoa · 01/06/2024 10:12

Horrible horrible man to abuse your generosity and save up for his own house and buy it behind your back. Buying a house takes effort and energy as well as funds. You deserve so much more.

EnglishBluebell · 01/06/2024 09:50

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 17:32

When I said he pretty much moved in straight away, I don’t mean day 1. I was exaggerating but to me it was soon. In my ideal scenario I would’ve waited until about a year for him to move in but it was actually 2 months. He didn’t meet my kids until 2 months in. During that time he would stay over multiple times a week either after the kids were in bed or when they were at their dads. It was summer holidays so they spent half the time at their dads as that was the arrangement. His reason for not having a place to live at the time was because he works away a lot and didn’t want to spend his money on rent etc when he spends a lot of time away in hotels etc.

But this post isn’t about that. I do wish I’d left it longer but I can’t change something I did 10 years ago now. I’m just asking about my current situation here

You not only introduced him to your children after just two months but also MOVED HIM IN?????? WTAF

EnglishBluebell · 01/06/2024 09:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

My thoughts exactly. I nearly dropped my phone when I read this in the OP

CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2024 09:47

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:45

Perhaps a second, third job and not waiting for a guy to pump his money would solve this problem.

To quote a previous poster:

"Are you writing these posts that are full of untruths and bullshite for attention or is it a total lack of reading comprehension skills.

OP has been paying 90% of the bills for the 10 years they have been together. The cock-lodger has never, ever paid his fair share, which is why HE could save money for a house."

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:45

Perhaps a second, third job and not waiting for a guy to pump his money would solve this problem.

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:42

Has she been depended on him financially for the past 10 years? Because if so, then he has contributed fairly to the household expenses.

zum123 · 01/06/2024 09:26

Did he helped you to raise your kids? Do you feel like during those 10 years did he contributed enough to your house expenses? If yes, he was not using you. He just wanted to secure himself. If he will put your name on his house deeds, your kids will inherit a proportion. Maybe he doesnt want that. I wouldnt want my son to raise three kids that are no his and spend his entire life paying for a house for them.