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Original poster

DP bought us a house without telling me

307 replies

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 04/06/2024 17:53

Well done - of course you'll be fragile at present. Hope you have a good support network.

That is your secure home and he was trying to force you out of it into a precarious situation.

PickAChew · 04/06/2024 17:48

Only just seen your thread but you've done the right thing.

Original poster
Sevensummers · 04/06/2024 17:34

Thanks so much for all of these comments. I am speechless by the support honestly. I’m sorry I haven’t responded, it’s been a rough few days. I have told him that I won’t be moving in with him and have asked him to leave. We’ve had a few long chats about this as he wasn’t willing to just accept me saying no. But I won’t be changing my mind. He’s gone today and I’m feeling very fragile and heartbroken, but I think I will be able to manage and it’s the right thing to do

OP posts:
chillybroccoli · 04/06/2024 16:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Talkinrubbishagain · 04/06/2024 12:26

You can’t risk everything for a lifestyle that won’t last. I’ve been in a similar situation,made the wrong decision and ended up homeless…and I didn’t have children. It was awful.
Trust is essential for a relationship to survive,let alone be happy in it.
Have you room to take in a paying guest?
if he loves you, maybe he would still help you out ….as you helped him all those years ago.

T1Dmama · 04/06/2024 01:37

Collaborate · 31/05/2024 17:41

There are so many threads on this site where women are encouraged to buy a property in their own name unless their partner is paying half. Not a dissenting voice.

When the boot is on the other foot then he's a bastard and you must leave him.

Apparently he's a sponger (according to some) who used you to save, though you've not said whether he paid half the rent and half the bills or not. HE also bought you a car, so he's far from stingy.

From where I am you are right to question where you would be if the relationship ends, and you have lost the security of your HA place, but please don't listen to the more hysterical posters telling you he's a twat and you should leave him.

OP has very clearly said he only paid for food… he didn’t pay rent or bills!!
so he’s allowed her to struggle while
hes saved a huge amount!

T1Dmama · 04/06/2024 01:28

I would just tell him outright that you’re not giving up your security of having a HA house to move into a hoise
that isn’t even yours….
His promise to put you on the deeds is
BS… a promise that will never happen!

As for benefits, fill out the benefits calculator on line and also remember if you’re single your council tax will go down by 25% and if you’re low income you’ll get a further reduction!

Sakuem · 03/06/2024 17:32

If he really wanted to buy you a house to surprise you, he could have surprised you by telling you that he had saved up enough money for a house and then asked you to choose the house together, and then sign the house deeds together.
If you gave up your HA house, I've heard that it's difficult to get housed again if you willingly gave up your tenancy.
Hoping that it all works out for you and your children.
xx

Goodtogossip · 03/06/2024 11:48

Please don't give up your home to move in with him. It's a massive red flag that he's done this behind your back & not added you to the paperwork. If he's serious about it being for you both then say you'll only consider moving in when he adds you to the ownership documents so you have an equal share. If he won't then you have your answer about carrying on the relationship.

DiduAye · 03/06/2024 10:28

Massive red flags Don't give up your home and security of tenure and end this relationship.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 02/06/2024 15:06

Tahlullah · 02/06/2024 07:33

I’m just wondering if he genuinely thought he was doing something amazing for you. You mention you had a conversation 5 years ago about commitment, house etc. Is it possible that he took that on board and wanted to surprise you, just was out thinking that you’d want to be part of the process of looking for and choosing a house?

If the above were to be true, that would also explain why he hasn’t yet put you on the deeds. Assuming he has got a mortgage, he would not have been able to do it as a surprise if in joint names.

He bought you a car outright which makes me think he could be a ‘grand gestures’ type of bloke.

Now don’t get me wrong, he should absolutely add you to the deeds BEFORE you gave up your house, but have you explained why that’s important and had a proper conversation? Or are you just posting a single response to a one off question?

We on here don’t know enough of the back story to judge if he’s really trustworthy or not, but most seem to have assumed he’s done this all for himself, but I do think there is a possibility he genuinely did want to do something amazing for you.

If he did, he would be in a rush to put her on the deeds. If the OP comes back really soon with a thread update to say he has done so then I would be truly happy for her. It would be the perfect ending (though still a bit weird he didn't tell her before). But she definitely shouldn't make decisions putting her own security at risk based on that possibility.

CheeseyOnionPie · 02/06/2024 14:12

He will never add you onto those deeds. If he’s saying he will, but only once you move in, that’s a delay tactic. I think the fact that he has done this at all is the end of the relationship. Stay in your secure HA home and let him move on into his own place on his own like he obviously had planned to.

Amx · 02/06/2024 13:54

Nope. Not buying it. He's a twat.

Jack80 · 02/06/2024 12:42

If he lives in his house and you stay over then you will be or could be entitled to Universal Credit dependent on wages. Don't give up your house until you trust him.

SnozPoz · 02/06/2024 12:00

Ask him to rent it out and remain with you in the HA house until your youngest has moved out / gone to uni (decide what is appropriate) and before you move in with him get married (because then you automatically own half by law)/or get put on as co-owner of his house. I can just about understand him thinking it would be a nice surprise for you because you see this stuff on social media all the time... and maaaybe he thought if you're on the deeds you'd lose your rights to an HA house... but both are a stretch of the imagination. As others have said, you need to remain responsible towards your three kids, who remain your priority. If he's serious about you he'll see the error of his ways... if he's not then you haven't lost your home.

BigAnne · 02/06/2024 11:59

Sevensummers · 31/05/2024 14:49

I have been with DP for 10 years. He didn’t have a place at the time but he had a van which he was living out of. I was a single mother of 3 when I met him and lived in a Johnnie Johnson house (housing association). DP moved in with me pretty much instantly. I always wanted to own my own home but being single with 3 kids didn’t leave me much room money wise and never seemed possible.

It was something that we spoke about from time to time but after 10 years together I realised he was never going to commit to buying a house with me and just left it. Long story short, I found out he has bought a house. I was so angry because I thought he bought it for himself as a plan to get away from me and has just been using me for a place to live until he has somewhere of his own. I felt so hurt that we had spoken about buying a house and he has just got one for himself. I confronted him about it and he said it’s for us both to live in and he didn’t want to tell me because he wanted to save me the stress of looking for a house and putting in offers and getting outbid and being disappointed, and all of the stress that comes with the buying process.

I don’t believe him because it’s only his name on all of the documents. This would not be our house it would be his. He wants me to come but then I would just be living in his house. I would have to give up the housing that I have now which is a three bedroom in a nice area and move into his house. I am very very hurt and feel so betrayed that he has done this behind my back. The thing is, I can’t afford to live on my own anymore. My two youngest still live with me so I would Aldo be uprooting them from their home, to his. His income pays for a lot of bills so if I tell him I’m not moving in, I honestly don’t know how I’ll afford to live. But I don’t feel like I can give up all that I have to move in with him when he’s been so sneaky and dishonest. I am really feeling heartbroken

What a horrible man. Please don't give up your house.

Losetowin · 02/06/2024 11:41

Its a tough one as you've been together 10 years , not like 2 or 3, I wouldn't move in until my name on the deeds

No, please ignore advice like this - don’t move in at all. Basic common sense is to keep your own secure tenancy instead of relying on this man you’re not even married to.

Do NOT move into his house. My sister was in this exact position, she moved in and 10 years later the relationship ended and she had nothing and nowhere to go. Her partner never put her on the deeds even though he promised to too.

Exactly, this will most likely be the rather predictable outcome. I live in a HA flat and no way would I move in with my partner until we’re getting married/buying somewhere together. If anything, in the future he can move into mine initially and rent his flat out.

Tessiebear2023 · 02/06/2024 11:25

Pukkapalm · 02/06/2024 09:03

Please please please do not give up your home. He wants his house for himself. Even if you moved in with him, it will never feel like your home. Ditch the lying bd. Could you rent out a room, even for a few months? I do this but I’m not sure of the rules for HA.

Yes, HAs do allow lodgers, check the tenancy agreement. I would recommend foreign students, there are organisations that help with placements, so if it doesn't work out there is a recourse. In some cases it doesn't even affect your single adult discount for council tax, check this with the local authority.

Exactlab · 02/06/2024 10:54

No. He bought himself a house. You have zero claim on this house and you would be stupid if you gave up your council house..

Bernardo1 · 02/06/2024 10:11

The only way this could be resolved, is if he rented His house out.
Then he could contribute 50/50 on yr living expenses.

You absolutely should not become co owner of His house, unless, perhaps there is a very substantial deposit, enough to give you a cash sum if you broke up. Even then I don't think it a good idea.

As I feel the relationship is clearly broken, and you should plan for life without him.

AmIEnough · 02/06/2024 09:32

Don’t do this! Stay in your home. I wouldn’t trust him at all! He’s been incredibly deceitful and you would leave yourself in a very vulnerable situation.

Pukkapalm · 02/06/2024 09:03

Please please please do not give up your home. He wants his house for himself. Even if you moved in with him, it will never feel like your home. Ditch the lying bd. Could you rent out a room, even for a few months? I do this but I’m not sure of the rules for HA.

SarahJane96 · 02/06/2024 08:41

Do not give up your home! If he really meant it he would have involved you, something is up.

Rottweilermummy · 02/06/2024 08:01

Its a tough one as you've been together 10 years , not like 2 or 3, I wouldn't move in until my name on the deeds, I guess as he was "surprising you" he wouldn't have got it in your name to start with as he would need your signature , have you seen the house? And is it near where you live already? What relationship does he have with your children? Hope all works out,

Tahlullah · 02/06/2024 07:33

I’m just wondering if he genuinely thought he was doing something amazing for you. You mention you had a conversation 5 years ago about commitment, house etc. Is it possible that he took that on board and wanted to surprise you, just was out thinking that you’d want to be part of the process of looking for and choosing a house?

If the above were to be true, that would also explain why he hasn’t yet put you on the deeds. Assuming he has got a mortgage, he would not have been able to do it as a surprise if in joint names.

He bought you a car outright which makes me think he could be a ‘grand gestures’ type of bloke.

Now don’t get me wrong, he should absolutely add you to the deeds BEFORE you gave up your house, but have you explained why that’s important and had a proper conversation? Or are you just posting a single response to a one off question?

We on here don’t know enough of the back story to judge if he’s really trustworthy or not, but most seem to have assumed he’s done this all for himself, but I do think there is a possibility he genuinely did want to do something amazing for you.