DP bought us a house without telling me

EXACTLY!! You let a man who lived in a van moved in with your kids, then paid his way for TEN years and now look at where he has left you. Come on, stop making bad decisions.

Yes, I was going to say this too. If you live together his income as well as yours is taken into account when your son/daughter goes to university and they will only get the minimal amount of loan. You will be expected to top them up (or they will have to get a job).

Please leave the toad. He's disgusting and has tried to play you, Please don't give up the security of your home and move in with him, even if he does put you on the deeds.

There are so many threads on this site where women are encouraged to buy a property in their own name unless their partner is paying half. Not a dissenting voice.

That's because it would be right for her and give her security. If he was posting asking for advice people would say the same to him.

The person who owns the house is the only one who has a right to live there if you are not married. It would be foolish to give up a secure HA house in a nice area if you don't have to. The sex of the poster makes no difference.

That is brilliant, and so true!

In fairness, you could say it for a single mum looking for somewhere to live as well.

So, basically we have a bloke living in a van who then seizes an opportunity to live in a house and reluctantly pay a lot less - via shopping and a car - than it would be to rent somewhere himself. This means he can save for a deposit on house.

He knows this will come out when he actually buys said house, so forces a ' surprise reveal' , and a living arrangement that no sane person would agree to.

Nobody buys a surprise house for someone. It's his house, and he's offered you a ridiculous living arrangement that he knows you can't accept. The ' You have to move in first' confirms he has no intention of having you as co-owner.

After all this time, you should have gone out to view properties together to ensure the house and area feels as right as possible for both of you, so you know you'll both be happy there.

Do not give up your current home. He needs to prove he's been honest. If he wants you there with him and wants a life with you, then he can commit and give you some security, whether that's in terms of marriage or putting your name on the deeds to prove it was meant to be a joint home. If he's not up to that, then the least he can do it let you chose decoration/furnishings prior to moving in.

I had similar happen to me, gave up my lovely 3 bed council house for him. As soon as he had me in there I was pregnant and being abused before I could even blink, then naturally I had to flee and ended up in a rental after a few months. Now I’m stuck paying £900 in rent every month in a mouldy damp house.

Point I’m making is don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. And don’t give up your HA home for him, trust me I learned that the hard way.

Can you do some universal credit calcs? You’ll get something for your 13yo. And potentially yourself if you’re on a low income, just apply for everything.

i would not be giving up a social property to live in someone elses house, either he rents it out and lives with you OR he lives in it alone. You are independent and obviously very smart, its a big ask of him to ask you to uproot and get rid of everything you own just to live in his house. and no doubt contribute to his property and lifestyle

There are so many threads on this site where women are encouraged to buy a property in their own name unless their partner is paying half. Not a dissenting voice.

When the boot is on the other foot then he's a bastard and you must leave him.

Apparently he's a sponger (according to some) who used you to save, though you've not said whether he paid half the rent and half the bills or not. HE also bought you a car, so he's far from stingy.

From where I am you are right to question where you would be if the relationship ends, and you have lost the security of your HA place, but please don't listen to the more hysterical posters telling you he's a twat and you should leave him.

You say he bought you a car - but is it registered in your name or his name?

Because those are 2 very different things.

I'm so glad you aren't giving up yours and your children's home and security, as heartbreaking it is must be right now, if you moved in with him you would be screwed.

A friend of mine split up from her ex who'd cheated on her, listed all of the reasons she couldn't take him back, one of which was the possibility of losing her HA home if she moved in with them and they broke up again.

Several weeks later she'd taken him back and they were already talking about buying a place 🙈 It seems incredibly risky and I worry what might happen if she gives up her place to move in with him. Not sure if she'd get on the deeds or is aware of that side of things, she barely speaks to me now so I hope she's careful and it all works out.

OP, well done on getting yourself out of this situation, he is not to be trusted.

Sounds like you found yourself a cocklodger OP.

Chalk it up to experience, and move on with your head held high.

But please don't be so eager to move another partner in.

Why can't you afford to live in your house?

No decent man would move in with a mother and her 3 children who he's just met, you should've known he was a selfish grabber.

Wow. So if he earns a decent wage and managed to save £1K a month over 10 years - by living rent free - he would have saved up £120K. I’d bet my bottom dollar it is more than twice that.

Please do not give up your house! Even if his intentions were above board he went ahead and bought a house that only fit HIS vision. Your opinion, needs, taste and input did not count the tiniest bit.

Is the car registered in your name?

I would play along and visit the new house and then declare “actually, I don’t feel it and I’m not going live here’

Although you say he's bought a house, which to me that would imply bought outright, is that the case? If not and he's got a substantial mortgage there is no security there at all even if you were on the deeds, if he left or stopped paying the mortgage you're homeless.

@UpUpUpU If she wants to continue the relationship, they can see each other while living in their respective homes. No need for her to leave her/her children’s home.

What a horrible man. Buying a house is a long process, he’s lied to you every day. Every time you said “what did you do today?” for months he’s lied every time he didn’t tell you about talking to solicitors, viewing houses, getting a mortgage. Sounds like he’s contributed far less than he should have over ten years too.

I know it’s awful and huge to think about dumping him after ten years, but I can’t see another way forward.

Don’t give up your home. If he says he’ll put your name on the Deeds then tell him to do that with you and him with a solicitor.

Saving you from the upset of being outbid?! What a knight in shining armour (!). He’s not saved / protected you from any sort of hassle or worry. Everything has been underhand and motivated by his own self interest. He’s invested his money, made himself secure, excluded you from the paperwork, chosen the property and location without involving you and yet claims it’s for both of you, on the basis that he’ll allow you to move into it but not be part of owning it. He’s made you vulnerable in the process because you absolutely cannot not risk being made homeless if your relationship ever has problems. It’s appalling.

Let me get this straight. This man who earns a decent whack has cock-lodged with you for years, watching you scrimp to cover the bills, while he's secretly saved up for deposit for a house that he's refusing to put into your name until you to give up the security of your housing association property?

OP, you are well rid. What an absolute A-hole he is. Once he's gone, see what benefits you're entitled to in the short term. If he was only paying for groceries, you might not be as bad off as you think.

Please don’t give up your house, if living on your own with your DC is financially impossible is there the option to exchange to a cheaper home?
He has been extremely sneaky and using living with you to save up so he can buy a property. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

I’d be wanting a marriage and to be in the deeds before I considered giving up my HA tenancy.
Have you mentioned any of this to him @Sevensummers?