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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should father pay towards children when both parents on benefits

62 replies

SevenAteNineAgain · 31/05/2024 14:19

I'm sure this will attract some 'you shouldn't have had children if you couldn't afford it's posts - I was working right up until I had my last child and realised that I had to leave my abusive relationship and was left caring for 4dc alone. If I hadn't been with a man who refused to wear condoms and regularly forced sex on me I wouldn't have had so many dc. But here we are.

So I have 4dc, 2 of whom are disabled and as they have got older their needs have become more complex such that I am unable to work because of their care needs.

I am extremely fortunate to own my house due to a family inheritance years ago, and after escaping I moved to a cheaper area so I could buy outright with equity from previous flat. Since I cannot work I get carers allowance, and other child related benefits. My two disabled dc get DLA which mainly pays for stuff they need due to disability. We don't have luxuries but we are currently ok.

Ex doesn't work due to mental health issues and gets PIP and other benefits. He stopped paying child maintenance a long time ago, saying he couldn't afford to pay it as well as paying costs for when he sees dc.

Every time he sees the dc he complains about how much it costs him, asks me to contribute, and says that I get money for the dc from the government and he doesn't, so I should be giving him money when he sees them.

Only 1 actually goes to stay with him ever, only for short periods during holidays. Others he sees for the odd day out here and there. Finding stuff that the dc actually want and can manage to do can be expensive since they don't want to just go and hang out with him at his house, so this is why he always complains that it's too expensive and asks me for money towards these activities.

For eg this holiday he took them to an activity and food which cost him £300 for the 4 of them (1 dc wouldn't go at all) and he has been ranting to me since that I have so much more money than him and it isn't fair etc.

I feel like they mostly don't stay with him, he doesn't pay maintenance, I pay all of their costs apart from activities when they see him - it is reasonable to expect him to pay for what he does when he does see them. AIBU? Does the benefits thing mean IABU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SevenAteNineAgain · 31/05/2024 16:19

He says that because I'm on benefits I'm not really paying for the children, the government is, and so I should give him some of that money for when he sees the children.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 31/05/2024 16:18

I think all parents should have to pay for their dc whatever their financial situation, and then go without themselves if that's the situation.

Original poster
SevenAteNineAgain · 31/05/2024 16:15

Are you allowing someone that raped you to spend time with your children? As that’s what he did when he 'forced sex' on you. He should be in prison, not on benefits.

I know - but it's court ordered so no choice. Police did not find there was evidence to make a case and closed investigation as is so often the case when rape happens in a domestic setting. I've made my peace with it because I have had no choice about it.

OP posts:
Coldsore · 31/05/2024 14:57

Ffs

MuggleMe · 31/05/2024 14:45

Not only should he be paying when he has them, he should be paying maintenance. If he can't afford it he should think of something else. The additional benefits you received are to balance the additional cost burden of the disabilities when you have them 98% of the time.

Groovee · 31/05/2024 14:44

I knew someone whose ex manipulated her into offering him money whenever he had the children until a group of her friends encouraged her to say no. He soon realised that she wouldn't give him anything towards it.

Theunamedcat · 31/05/2024 14:41

Yes legally he should be paying you a pathetic £30 ish a month

No you don't pay him anything

Mountainleon · 31/05/2024 14:41

Well he needs to get a job if he wants to spend 300 on one day!
Depending on didabilities there are nt properties, parks, soft play, woods, wwt wetlands which would be less than that for membership, swimming, cinema. We've never been anywhere in uk for 300...

We rarely buy food at places as even for 4 of us thats over 40£ take sandwiches even supermarket ones.

Weve spent 140 this half term on 3 days out. Plus 24£ for 3 meals at one place as had arrived so no food in rental.

However if the childrens disability costs you more such that you get dla its likely his activity choice is less and maybe more expensive.

Danikm151 · 31/05/2024 14:36

Benefits are for the basics in life. If he thinks you’re rolling in money he’s deluded. Does he not realise that bills, clothes and groceries need to be covered?

He chooses to spend that much money. You shouldn’t have to contribute financially for his choice.

Outnumbered83 · 31/05/2024 14:32

SevenAteNineAgain · 31/05/2024 14:19

I'm sure this will attract some 'you shouldn't have had children if you couldn't afford it's posts - I was working right up until I had my last child and realised that I had to leave my abusive relationship and was left caring for 4dc alone. If I hadn't been with a man who refused to wear condoms and regularly forced sex on me I wouldn't have had so many dc. But here we are.

So I have 4dc, 2 of whom are disabled and as they have got older their needs have become more complex such that I am unable to work because of their care needs.

I am extremely fortunate to own my house due to a family inheritance years ago, and after escaping I moved to a cheaper area so I could buy outright with equity from previous flat. Since I cannot work I get carers allowance, and other child related benefits. My two disabled dc get DLA which mainly pays for stuff they need due to disability. We don't have luxuries but we are currently ok.

Ex doesn't work due to mental health issues and gets PIP and other benefits. He stopped paying child maintenance a long time ago, saying he couldn't afford to pay it as well as paying costs for when he sees dc.

Every time he sees the dc he complains about how much it costs him, asks me to contribute, and says that I get money for the dc from the government and he doesn't, so I should be giving him money when he sees them.

Only 1 actually goes to stay with him ever, only for short periods during holidays. Others he sees for the odd day out here and there. Finding stuff that the dc actually want and can manage to do can be expensive since they don't want to just go and hang out with him at his house, so this is why he always complains that it's too expensive and asks me for money towards these activities.

For eg this holiday he took them to an activity and food which cost him £300 for the 4 of them (1 dc wouldn't go at all) and he has been ranting to me since that I have so much more money than him and it isn't fair etc.

I feel like they mostly don't stay with him, he doesn't pay maintenance, I pay all of their costs apart from activities when they see him - it is reasonable to expect him to pay for what he does when he does see them. AIBU? Does the benefits thing mean IABU?

Are you allowing someone that raped you to spend time with your children? As that’s what he did when he 'forced sex' on you. He should be in prison, not on benefits.

grumpygrape · 31/05/2024 14:28

CTak · 31/05/2024 14:24

YANBU. The money you receive is to contribute to their basic needs: food, water, shelter, heat. Not for your ex to blow on days out, and frankly there's nothing stopping him from doing cheap days out.
If he doesn't house, clothe and feed the kids, he's not entitled to the money you receive to do so.

This.

CTak · 31/05/2024 14:24

YANBU. The money you receive is to contribute to their basic needs: food, water, shelter, heat. Not for your ex to blow on days out, and frankly there's nothing stopping him from doing cheap days out.
If he doesn't house, clothe and feed the kids, he's not entitled to the money you receive to do so.

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