Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

I love my children dearly and would be devastated if someone had them 50% of the time. My education is in child psychology and child development so I also have standards of care based on my education. I doubt someone who doesn't want their kids and is unwilling to fight for their kids would meet anything but the very bare minimum of care. Children can feel how much you love and care about their needs. Emotional neglect by someone meeting the minimum requirements of keeping them fed and housed, would have lasting impacts. Emotional neglect isn't something you can prove enough to criminalize. In fact neglect and many forms of abuse are very difficult to prove (I worked in the child protection system). Children take a lot of patience and someone being forced to care for them will be short tempered, again causing lasting damage to the child.

You also need to think about some kids don’t want to go as well - my own siblings being an example. At the end of the day it’s about what the kid needs rather than the parent. My son struggles (he has ASD and while he starts school in September, he has GDD and is not at all near that age) at his Dad’s and is a different child here - but he does have him one night a week and every other weekend. However those nights are filled with me getting texts of complaints that he can’t cope with him, that he’s ’misbehaving,’ he won’t sleep, etc. Many fathers are like that, regardless of how their children are, they just can’t parent.

I’m not saying you’re wrong at all, they should have to do it - but for some kids 50/50 isn’t what’s best for them, but it’s also not at level of abuse or neglect either.

Because kids are people too and have needs and preferences. Some people don’t mind moving back and forth between two homes each week. But for others it’s very unsettling. And because most parents can’t afford to provide a home each with a bedroom for their children. It’s enough of a struggle as a couple. And because if you view being with your children as a pleasure rather than a chore, you don’t want to force someone else to look after them.

Well I would never have forced my oldest to see ex who actually ended up with a court order no contact anyhow when he was 2 months old because the violence and abuse was so bad. 14 years later we are happy with our new life etc

Thing is @DontCheetoTheCheetah it’s not in a child’s best interests to be cared for by someone who doesn’t want them there - you can’t force someone to neglect a child before you then could prosecute them under your proposed system… ok you’d prosecute these absent neglectful dads but you’d have children traumatised in the process.. far better to overhaul the CMS and make it illegal to not pay for your kids. Maintenance should be paid out by the state to resident parents and then claimed back from the other parent like tax with real consequences if it’s not paid.

Only on MN can someone saying how unfair it is that men get away with being deadbeat parents, be a reason to be piled on by women saying they’re stupid and all of the other insults posters have thrown at you.

Don't be disingenuous. No one is disputing that it's unfair.

Posters are, quite rightly, reacting to OP's assumption that women can just "force" men to be decent fathers becsuse it implies that women are somehow responsible for mens shit behaviour. Her subsequent, equally daft, suggestion that if they don't step up and have the kids 50/50 they can just be thrown in jail has not helped. It's naive, simplistic and not thought through properly.

If OP had posted "AIBU to think it's unfair that men get away with being deadbeat parents" then the response would have been very different, but she didn't. Instead she chose to focus on women's failure to magically 'make' them be good Fathers which is very different.

You can do this. What it would look like in practice is leaving them at school and school notifying social services when they arnt collected. They may get hold of the other parent, if not they may be put in temp accommodation overnight. Probably wondering WTF they did wrong and why their parents dont love them and mentally traumatised for life. So... id hope youd see why most mothers wouldnt do that to their children to force the other parent to parent.

I see your pov. And ideally I'd want my time as 24/7 parenting is HARD.

Equally, I wouldn't want my child in an envrionment where he/she/they weren't wanted and knew they weren't. I can't imagine how that would make them feel.

As hard as it would be, I'd want them to know they were loved and if that was the case, I'd take as much financially from the other partner to allow me flexibility to be there for my children. (I say partner because this scenario equally could be the other way around and it could be a father who is the main carer and the mother who doesn't want contact).

My ex once told me that he would see DD more, but I wont drive an hour to his house to get her to his. Bearing in mind he paid no money towards for her.

That shows just how much my ex is committed to his daughter.

Would you force your kids to spend 50% of their time with someone who didn't want them about?

Even my 9 year old is laughing at your thread. My kids go Sundays 12 til 7 and Mondays 3 til 7. Kids don't wanna go the 9 year old is a sod she kicks off but does go he won't even have youngest Sunday night so I can take eldest orthodontics Monday morning

That’s not what the OP said though, is it? She/he asked why the mothers don’t force the fathers to have the children 50/50. That’s the stupid part.

Amen to that. 70/30 suits me as it means I know the kids are being looked after well (rather than lazily) the majority of the time, and frankly, I’d miss them desperately if they were away from me more than that.

Some parents see the children they chose to have as a pleasure rather than a “life burden” OP… I suspect that the ones who view them as a “life burden” are mostly the lazy dads who actively avoid 50/50 care.

I don't think it is.

Given that our prisons are already so full serious offenderw are being let out early, the Police service is stretched to breaking point and serious criminal cases are taking years to get to court there is no way a law like this would actually be enforced. Can you imagine the additional man-power and resource that would be needed to police something like this?

Then there is the issue of whether it is actually in a child's best interest to spend equal time with a parent who has to be compelled by the law to engage with them, which is highly debatable. Having worked with children who have been severely traumatised by lengthy court proceedings between warring parents to determine custody, being in the middle of a protracted legal battle isn't something I would wish on the huge numbers of children who would be impacted by OP's proposal.

It's a simplistic, child-like response to a morally and legally complex issue. A bit like when my 6 year old said that people who litter should be given one more chance and if they do it again they should go to jail. I don't disagree with his sentiment but the idea itself is not grounded in reality.

The trouble is that trying to force an uninterested parent to take responsibility inevitably ends up with the kids suffering. I know, because I tried to make my exH step up. Ultimately, he doesn't care if the DC are unsafe/upset/go without, as long as he gets to do as he wants. I do care, and therefore will never win in a battle of wills with the DC in the middle. I tried it once, the DC suffered, so I didn't try it again. I am a responsible parent. He is not.

Society doesn't make it easy either. I was thoroughly judged by staff at the children's school, even though exH was the one who had failed to fulfil his responsibilities as a parent. He was the "poor man who couldn't be expected to cope", while I had let my children down Society expects non-resident fathers to be useless, so no surprise that they often are. There's no social pressure for them to be decent parents.

ok...wonder how it work on a practical level for huge numbers of dads...imagine working at NMW, nrp dad of 2, currently lives in houseshare, not entitled to any assistance, pays CM, can't afford to rent a 2/3 bed. Will he get on housing bands for social housing, would he get top up benefits for when DC are with him.None are available for NRP at present.

Sorry you’re getting such bitchy replies on this thread.

Only on MN can someone saying how unfair it is that men get away with being deadbeat parents, be a reason to be piled on by women saying they’re stupid and all of the other insults posters have thrown at you.

I've heard it all now.

I agree with you but imagine if it was made a crime, you would get dads who don't want their kids being forced to spend time with them and the kids would be traumatized.

The laws protect the children's rights to spend time with their parents but it can't force people who don't want to parent to do it. All it can do is force them to pay maintenance.

Have you met men? 😆

Sadly a lot of men tell this lie…..

Not an old chestnut. I was in court with him when he fought for his children and she fought for him to have one day a week. He was representing himself, she had an expensive barrister.

its just not believable @Username947531 The legal standpoint is 50/50 unless there are extenuating circumstances such as (older) children not wanting to or some form of neglect. What was the court’s reason for granting him one day a week?

An expensive barrister doesn’t have much to do with it in this instance

Not an old chestnut. I was in court with him when he fought for his children and she fought for him to have one day a week. He was representing himself, she had an expensive barrister.

How? My DS's excuse for a father abandoned us and only saw him once (at my home). He never paid CM either. If the government couldn't or wouldn't make him pay CM what chance did I have forcing him to even see his son let alone have him 50% percent of the time?

It's all so easy when you are not in the position isn't it?

I wouldn't want my husband to have 50/50 if we divorced (which I wish we could) but he would want it. Yeah, I don't want to be away from my kids. EOW sounds like plenty time without them to me.