Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

I agree with you op I would have loved 50/50 it would have been my ideal contact! Why shouldn't my ex have our kids 50% of the time they are his kids too, I got someone on MN say to me "so you only want to see your kids 50% of the time" 🙄 I didn't create them alone why should I parent them alone. But sadly you can't "force" an unwilling father to have their children if they don't want to. My ex has never even had our kids overnight no court can force this.

As a mother who has ‘forced’ the father to look after their child plenty of times. Yes sometimes even dropped him off on the doorstep and said I’d be back xyz. I did this as my son always compares himself to his peers and asks for his dad I also didn’t want the dad to have an excuse ‘she doesn’t let me see him’ ‘she doesn’t let me see him, why should I pay for his upkeep’ . Narcissistic men like this always find some way to spread lies to try and fit their narrative. Friends and family have gotten tired of even dealing with this ‘father’ and you also get tired off the other partner being verbally abusive, too lazy to bring the child back to your house and wanting them to be collected and even telling your own mother ‘I don’t know why she brings him here tbh’
you can block them go no contact and somehow they will let months pass then either contact you to see their child or ask one of their flying monkeys and you get guilt tripped into saying NO all over again. It’s tiring and not good for anyone’s mental health. I think that’s a few reasons

My son went to his dad's every other weekend which worked well. We shared the school holidays too. 50% would have been much too complicated for us.

I urge them to contact Fathers for Justice. The family legal system is good for doing nothing but lining its own pockets. These guys are very forceful in their approach, but, they are doing the right thing to have it recognised that, where both parents are brilliant engaged individuals, fathers are an important part of their children’s lives and development. They were very straight down the line with my DH when he called for advice in the early stages of things (SS was 1.5 years old) it bolstered his confidence and supported him to make his ex see sense in working together for the greater good and, whilst nothing will ever be perfect, they have a workable communicative relationship now around SS12, although he’s getting to an age now where it’s going to be somewhat irrelevant moving forward and he can move forward confident that both his parents love and care for him and will always be there and support him.

Are you bored and mucking about on your mum's laptop/phone?
My grand-daughter has greater critical thinking and social awareness...but would, I suspect, have exactly the same righteously irate tone because she is 12.

The problem with forcing disinterested and disengaged men to have their children 50-50 is the low quality parenting that would result. I would rather have my children 100% of the time, always, but even more so if the alternative was them being shoved in front of screens or left to fend for themselves with an inadequate father who didn’t want them there in the first place.

I wish I could force my Ex... He has for one night a week but works out 7 waking hours. I would love him to have more but he won't

You're not being unreasonable but views get distorted during break ups.

1. It's usually mum who is dumped. She's the reliable family-focussed one. Dad has become this feckless, irresposible one who is thinking of his dick before any considerations of children.

2. The break up of the family and stability and routines. And dad is usually keen for the kids to know and love the new person he's met. (Men are generally shite at trying to look at things through a child's eyes).

3. The sense of betrayal to both wife and children. Once trust is lost, it's lost.

4. The financial imbalance. Dad is usually the higher income earner, because mum is the primary children care taker. And he can afford to take kids out on treats without responsibility or boundaries.

So mums are generally more invested in their children.

But I completely agree with you.

Hint. I know a woman who is a very close friend. She was pursued through the courts three times by ex-partner, not huband. Everytime a court contact agreement was made that provided for up until the age of 18, he started a new court case.

The general approach of the courts is, what mum wants, what dad wants, find an agreement in the middle.

It becomes less funny the third time around. When twice an agreement has been made until the age of 18.

This time (I kid you not) she gave him everything he asked for. Every other weekend year round - not just in term time. Holiday time increased - and in effect 50% parenting.

He lasted less than a year with a 4 year old child, then he took off and vanished from contact altogether. But then he was a control freak more than a doting dad.

So I agree with you.

Not just from the fact it benefits mum, but also from the fact it seriously impinges on newly liberated husband having to take 50% responsibilty for childcare - especially at weekends.

But someone is always worrying about the kids and what they're coping with seeing dad kissing and cuddling someone else - and it's usually mum.

My ex can’t look after himself never mind look after the kids and when he does bother his arse to come see them he’s in for 10 minutes tops and spends the time talking to me when I have zero interest in what he’s got to tell me, yeah defo not leaving my kids with him and if I did I’d probably have to pay him lol

Some fathers, like my DH, would love nothing more than to have his child 50/50… but, sometimes, you have to consider what’s best for the child. In our case a settled base for schooling during the week right here and now is what has been agreed for his benefit.

That being said we are all acutely aware there are some men (and/or some women) who want nothing to do with their child at all and it’s not like you could drop them on a doorstep and just leave them there 🤷🏻‍♀️ and there are some parents it’s simply not safe for children to be around.

Like everything in life, situations differ from family to family.

What are you even on about OP?

if the dad doesn't want the kids I can't see how forcing them would be good for the kids and tbh if I split up with my DH I'd want the child as much as possibke

My son-in-law’s mother did exactly that. Not because their father didn’t want them but because she didn’t. He had remarried and was working out of town. She took them to his new home, rang the bell and walked away. The youngest was 2.

It's not only dad's not wanting to look after their children..there are lots of fathers out there looking after their children whilst the mother has taken off and left her child/children.. so it's a two way street..not all dad's deserve to be slated ..as not all mothers do either..I know first hand..!!

I'm confused as to why you've quoted me as it doesn't make sense with regard to what I said?

But yes I agree as I was a lone parent for many years. Lots of men claim to want 50/50 but sadly it's just a load of hot air to keep up the pretence.

So would you liked to be forced to spend 50% of your time with your deadbeat dad who doesn’t want to see you?

Well, I mean I do actually have a key for my ex’s house for emergencies. But I’m not planning to let myself in and leave the kids whilst he’s off working at the other end of the country!! His work patterns selfishly don’t make for child appropriate timings for us. He works weekends. Has 3 kids (2 are mine one is a more recent ex’s) at 2 schools in 2 counties so would not manage to get them all to school in the week when he’s at home. That would also mean ferrying them to and from activities as well. When there little they did more 50:50 but he lived closer and with the other child and mother. He basically works weekends. They are also now old enough to make choices and have defined some random offers of going to his now as they have friends and routines at mine and not there.

Also most mothers are prepared to do anything for their kids. Change their jobs. Give up their jobs. Change their working patterns. Men don’t seem that way inclined. Kids are further down their pecking order.

No point in flogging a dead horse.

I tried. We got divorced at the end 😂

Personally it’s no longer safe for my daughter to be with her father so my life is easier/less stressful if she’s with me all the time rather than me worrying the whole time that she’s in his care …. You don’t have children so probably don’t “get” it but my daughter being safe is my only priority.

Well said

I wish my XH would disappear off the face of the earth, he has the DC 3 nights every 2 weeks, not well spent time, and honestly I'd rather have them 100% of the time.

I thought I would like a lot of time to myself before I had kids. Now with kids I quite like them, I wouldn’t want their dad to have them 50% of the time 😂 not that he would anyway lol but I’m actually secretly pleased about that 😊

In my experience most men’s priority after separation and divorce is establishing a new relationship. If the kids are a barrier to that goal or the new partner isn’t up for the step mum role, then it’s simply easier to let the kids fade out of their lives. And, of course, there’s still the option of playing the hard done by family guy whose ex obstructed access. It’s basically a win win.

You'd know if you ever had kids, trust me. I neved wanted them, but then the hormones take over.....Anyhow, on a more serious note, consider the situation of a friend of mine whose ex is a controlling narcissist. Not surprisingly she doesn't want the kids anywhere near this abuser

This might be true but I’d question why. Very few women would choose to raise kids single-handedly if they have the option of a reliable stable co parent. Managing work, kids and all domestic stuff alone is fecking hard.

My mother would never have allowed my father to have us 50/50. She did everything in her power to stop us from seeing him and didn't care about our feelings at all.

It's damaged us as adults and neither myself or my sister speak to her and we don't really have a close relationship with our father because we were deprived of the chance to form one.