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Original poster

Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

260 replies

Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 11:38

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

OP posts:
Sasqwatch · 31/05/2024 12:38

Lazyladydaisy · 31/05/2024 11:41

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? This will only get worse. Soon you'll have given up everything about yourself to make him feel better.
Run and do not look back!

This

Run and don’t look back OP.
He wants to control you, so basically you’re always ‘guilty’ until
he can ‘prove’ otherwise by Policing you and keeping you under surveillance.

He should be the one seeing a counsellor for his MH problems.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2024 12:38

I'm with the "run for the hills and don't look back" group. This person is not the person for you.

Have you tried to turn it around on him - if he thinks you need counselling for this, say that you think he needs counselling for his trust issues. If he says that he needs access to your phone, you will need the same level access to his phone. If he says that if you loved him, you'd be doing this for him. How about if he loved you, he wouldn't need to ask these things of you because he'd trust you. You are not going to be the woman who pays for the 'sins' of someone that came before you.

Nottodaty · 31/05/2024 12:34

Walk away .

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 31/05/2024 12:32

Run.

Outnumbered83 · 31/05/2024 12:31

Ffs of course you’re not being unreasonable! He is a walking, talking massive red flag. This type of behaviour is often precursor to more worrying, often violent behaviour.

RandomButtons · 31/05/2024 12:29

Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 12:00

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning and I wouldn’t change my mind as what he was asking wasn’t sitting right with me.
He responded with the fact I wouldn’t back down on this with ‘if you loved me you’d do this one small thing for me, it’s not a big deal’
My phone was always around and I never had a problem with him picking it up, putting on Spotify, googling something.
I don’t know how he would feel about me on his phone, I’ve never had the urge to look.
I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

I just wanted some reassurance that this wasn’t normal behaviour and i wasn’t overreacting to his requests

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. His behaviour is not normal and is incredibly controlling and gaslighting.

Enjoy the first day of the rest of your life without this deadweight around your neck.

Ciderlout · 31/05/2024 12:28

Let him be your ex OP. He’s controlling and clearly has issues he’s projecting on to you. You need trust and if your word isn’t enough then there’s no point

BMW6 · 31/05/2024 12:25

I very much doubt that all his previous GF cheated on him, and even if they did there is nothing that would reassure him that you aren't when he has this level of paranoia.

I think it's an excuse to control you and if you stay with him you'll be subjected to endless interrogation and fucking MISERY.

You may love him - but please, PLEASE love yourself more.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 31/05/2024 12:25

Not a chance.

SirAlfredSpatchcock · 31/05/2024 12:19

SonicTheHodgeheg · 31/05/2024 12:14

“If you loved me, you’d..” is the sort of controlling logic that young children try to manipulate situations to their advantage. It’s a massive red flag.

Why am I not shocked that he’s not offering his location and open access to his messages? 🤔 I would not be surprised if he’s projecting his behaviour onto you.

Presumably, he doesn't need to offer his phone, because he knows that he isn't cheating... and, ironically, if she really loved him, she'd trust him enough not to ask...

AppleStrudel23 · 31/05/2024 12:18

Permanentlydazedandconfused · 31/05/2024 11:38

So my partner (or ex) has some trust issues from past relationships.
The past 2 months have been arguement after arguement due to him being convinced that I was cheating on him, not in the slightest bit true! he started regularly checking my phone - messages, social media, emails, photos etc. It all came to a head a last week and I left as I don’t want to be constantly under suspicion.
We’ve been speaking about trying to sort out our problems - one of his non negotiables is that he has full transparency with my phone, so whenever he is feeling insecure I should give it to him so he can look through it and reassure himself…he also suggested that he would take me to a counselor who would tell me that this is what I should be letting him do.
This is crossing the line for me, I like to keep some things to myself and don’t want to hand over my phone to be searched like I’ve done something wrong. Am I being unreasonable for saying no and not agreeing to compromise?

I would be aware that he might be cheating. Usually people project it when they start messing around.

Ask to his phone and see how reacts and then you'll know!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItHaveAGin · 31/05/2024 12:16

Given what you've said about all his exes, I imagine that you'll be the latest in a long line of 'cheating exes', his proof being that you hid your phone from him all the time.

alittlehopeisadangerousthing · 31/05/2024 12:15

Absolutely do not let him do this. He will scrutinise and twist every message to suit his paranoia and desire to control you

KreedKafer · 31/05/2024 12:15

He's a controlling, abusive prick. Absolutely do not continue this relationship.

It's not just about the phone. It's about him wanting to control you and remove every scrap of privacy in your life.

It is not normal or OK to accuse a partner of cheating all the time. He's basically saying 'I think you're a horrible person and it's up to you to prove you aren't'. I don't give a shit whether his last girlfriend cheated on him - that's not your problem and it's not an excuse for him to be an emotionally abusive cunt.

FWIW, my DP's ex also cheated on him. Two of my exes cheated on me. But we have never, ever accused one another of cheating and we don't look at each other's phones. Ever.

Happyddays · 31/05/2024 12:15

He is controlling and abusive.
I would also say potentially dangerous.
He is gaslighting you that this is normal.
Be glad you have the cop on to see this.
Your life will only get worse if you stay.
If you were to get pregnant I have no doubt that he would up his control of you, possibly physically abuse you.
Contact Women's aid for a chat.
He is a bad man.
Stay the hell away from him.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 31/05/2024 12:14

“If you loved me, you’d..” is the sort of controlling logic that young children try to manipulate situations to their advantage. It’s a massive red flag.

Why am I not shocked that he’s not offering his location and open access to his messages? 🤔 I would not be surprised if he’s projecting his behaviour onto you.

TonTonMacoute · 31/05/2024 12:13

Just keep walking and don't look back!

Penguinmouse · 31/05/2024 12:12

Just seen you’ve ended the relationship. Good for you - furthermore, language like “if you loved me you’d do this” is textbook abusive and controlling language. Keep yourself safe but you have made a brave and right decision.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 31/05/2024 12:12

Run, he will always be insecure and his grip will tighten as time goes on!

WaltzingWaters · 31/05/2024 12:11

Jeez no, that’s no way to live.

ellyfb · 31/05/2024 12:11

Absolutely not! This is so controlling

pasturesgreen · 31/05/2024 12:11

To put it plainly, ex partner can go fuck himself!

Penguinmouse · 31/05/2024 12:11

No no no no nope. Get out of this relationship today and stop sharing your location with him.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 31/05/2024 12:10

People like your partner shouldn’t be in a relationship. He needs to work on himself or remain single so his paranoia isn’t fed because realistically there’s nothing that you can do to prove that you’re innocent of his fears.

Naran · 31/05/2024 12:09

Run away fast.

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