Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

Giving him full access to your phone and location at all times could easily end up escalating into something more sinister depending on his mental health. Sounds like he is trying to make his anxiety better by controlling you.

I understand his feelings of anxiety are hard to navigate, but he’s wrongly placing responsibility on you.

Exposure therapy is one of the best ways of lessening anxiety triggers, not eliminating things that cause anxiety. Sounds like he has either told his therapist a fabricated reality or they’re not a good therapist, if they’re really advising him to insist new partners give him on demand phone access.

Also beware anyone who tells you their therapist agrees with something they’re telling you, as a way of backing it up!

Run

Even if he was cheating literally all he needs to do is put their name as something else in their phone and auto delete their messages genuinely that simple

Me and dh randomly go on eachothers phones to look stuff up sometimes but if the other person isn't comfortable with it we always give it back.

There's some personal things I might be doing I don't want him looking at (e.g googling a health issue or mumsnet bitching) and vice versa if he's on what's app with his mates sometimes he feels self conscious if I'm staring at his messages.

I think having personal boundaries in a relationship is important and if he doesn't trust you enough to respect that then it's not going to work out. It sounds controlling to me, imagine if he said I don't trust you in the bathroom by yourself you could be doing anything in there. 😂

Massive red flag - run for the hills. Been married 25 years and i have never looked at my husband's phone and he has never looked at mine. Your partner's "trust" issues are not your problem to fix. He is looking to blame you for his behaviour.

Sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is judging you by his standards. If he has no reason to ever suspect you might not cheating on him, yet is adamant that you are then it is most likely that he is cheating on you and trying to turn it around.

You've left.
Stay left.

He could become dangerous.

This is at best hideously unattractive behaviour and at worse controlling and abusive.

Leave.

Jesus.

The only reason I would agree to go to a counsellor to hear this, would be so that on the very very very slim chance that this “counsellor” is registered with a professional body, I could make a complaint about them.

Run for the hills.

My first husband had a longstanding prostitute habit, throughout our entire relationship it turned out. I have never looked through second husband’s phone, despite opportunity. Because if I had trust issues (and you’d understand if I did) they would be my issues. He doesn’t have trust issues by the a way… just a way to control you.

Please, you can do better than this. Keeping your dignity single is better than this.

If you don't trust each other (and freely allow privacy to each other too) - there isn't much of a relationship to preserve.

It is odd to be so insecure about someone you love... unless you are a cheat yourself. Can you trust this person?

A person so oddly obsessed with where you are and what is on your phone is hanging up the red bunting in armfuls.

My friend is in a controlling relationship and he gives her full access to his phone because he says that he’s doing it because he loves her and has nothing to hide.

He says that she must not love him as much or must have something to hide if she won’t do the same.

I think a lot of controlling men do things like this.

Fuck that.

Congratulations on getting rid.

Not unreasonable at all. In my book, this is control (he can call it what he likes). Phones are private. I would never look at DP's phone, ever.

I think you are very wise to end this relationship. You might want to check that he has not installed spyware on your phone or in your home.

I'd really like to know this too - as it sounds like he wants full access to your phone but you don't have access to his? Do you think he has a guilty conscious OP?

Anyway, regardless... This is a massive red flag and it's time to run for the hills.

He says ‘one small thing’ but it’s not small and it wouldn’t stop there.

Congratulations on getting rid.

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning and I wouldn’t change my mind as what he was asking wasn’t sitting right with me.
He responded with the fact I wouldn’t back down on this with ‘if you loved me you’d do this one small thing for me, it’s not a big deal’

It’s not a small thing. It’s a very big thing. It’s basically handing over all privacy save the thoughts in your head. And where does it stop? If he wants to know exactly where you are would he start demanding selfies so you can prove who you’re with? Air tags in your car and your handbag? Checking your bank statements? Fucking bonkers.

You’re gonna read about him in the news one day.

that is abuse! I can’t believe he genuinely believe that you need to see a councellor! He behaviour and demands are totally out of order! Get rid of him quick!

Absolutely not!
And anyone even hinting at seeing my phone or sharing my location would be gone and I’d not look back.

You did the right thing and you just need to stick to it.

No healthy relationship needs to look at each others phones, share their location or need to know where the other one is and who they’re talking to.

If it’s like this already, imagine what it would be like in 6 months time.

There's a solid reason his exPs are ex. He tried this shit with them and they dumped him ("she's crazy!")

If you were married I'd say be ok with sharing phone messages as you'd have nothing to hide. Unless you vent about your DH constantly to your friends!

My husband is my partner, not my keeper. He does not get to check my phone, or read my post, or check my location or any other batshit controlling nonsense.
This is not because there is anything that would be a problem, it's because its none of his business.

I'm still an individual with a right to privacy and I would not tolerate anything else. You trust each other or you don't.

So you let your bloke read online conversations between your and your friends?

If so I hope they understand that anything private they tell you is automatically for his eyes too.

In a new partnership, no. If you get married, yes. My husband and I have complete access to each other's phones and always have, and I was actually floored the first time I read on here about phone privacy between intimate, life long partners. What is the point? If you have something on your phone that your partner shouldn't see (and vice versa) then there is a big problem with your relationship.

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