Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

I thought this too. If the instagram message is anything to go by he clearly has form for this.

I pointed this out upthread in response to a poster who said there were double standards on MN. I also don’t see this as an equivalent situation. Most posts I’ve seen from women checking their partners’ phones are in response to suspicions raised by other behaviour, whereas OP hasn’t done anything wrong, and there’s no ‘trail of evidence’ to follow. It’s simply that his behaviour has driven her to leave, and now he’s making it a condition of getting back together that he be allowed to check through her phone whenever he likes. It’s so not the same thing. Red flags everywhere.

Absolutely. But a police visit might well put a stop to such nonsense.

The fact he’s ‘threatened’ suicide if you don’t do what he wants tells you all you need to know about this man.

@SpringerFall, @SirAlfredSpatchcock,
Thank you for your very reasonsable and reasoned replies.
My concern was that comparing a woman checking her man's phone as directly equivalent to what OP is discussing rather diminishes how much of a red flag it was. Which, has to a certain extent been vindicated.
I think most would agree that women often have good reason to check preemptively. I chatted about this with male friends and most of them are fairly used to it. What OP experienced is far more concerning.

This is controlling behaviour especially this early on. Odds are this so called therapist will be one of his mates making out his totally normal. Run for the hills before this turns into full on abuse when he sees a message he doesn't like, such as you went for coffee with friends and one of them was male or that you hung out with a friend he doesn't like. Get out now this is not healthy and never will be.

He should be seeing a therapist to work on moving past his trust issues not to justify treating you like a criminal and giving you no privacy. Tell me, did he offer to hand over his phone whenever you would like to check it? I bet he didn't which likely means his using this as a way to make it look like his insecure and your the problem when it will likely be him cheating using his so called insecurity to cover it up.

OK.... been there, done that.
My ex-husband, that took me 20 years to leave, started this round about the 10 year mark into our marriage as 'that's what husbands do to keep their wives safe'
I ended up completely controlled, confused and not knowing my arse from breakfast.
For context, I'm a company director and run wellbeing programmes to help women who've left situations like this and I stress this... I COULDN'T SEE IT FOR ME.
Please please please follow all of the advice on here. These wonderful posters are correct.... its not normal or right or love.
I implore you, don't go back. I can promise you, it won't get any better, but it WILL get worse.
Much love and strength xxx

My wife doesnt have a smartphones and looks at the Lidl app on mine

She could look at everything else I suppose if she wanted too, and my email is permanently logged in, she could also look at all the forums I am on if she didnt die of boredom first but the bottom line is that there is nothing to see.

Apart from an interest in Trains, Land Rights & Modern Monetary Theory AKA Boring Shit as she calls it

Perhaps contact the ex and compare notes.

Well done OP, stay strong. Making this break will give you strength to draw on in the future too.

Well done OP. If you said yes to this it would only get worse - lots of red flags from threats to harm and dislike of you wearing leggings. No one is entitled to invade your privacy, no one is entitled to tell you what to wear.

I'm so glad you've left him. He sounds dangerous!
Well done OP! You're finally free

Indeed it isn't.

Suggesting that it is is also very condescending and infantilising towards women - as though they are naturally far inferior to the wise, calm, mentally-stable men and so simply can't be expected to know or act any better.

I would start from this assumption as well.

It's the oldest trick in the book to angrily and furiously accuse somebody of trying to do to you what you ARE in fact already actively doing to them: pure DARVO.

You see this mindset on FreeCycle and Facebook Marketplace all the time: the kind of person with the permanently chewed-up face who assumes that you must be trying to rip them off and/or lying in order to offload useless junk on to them - because that is exactly what they would try to do to you.

It is not normal, one adult checking another's phone is ridiculous and controlling, no matter how anyone tries to justify or excuse it

Nope, it's just the same, regardless of the sex of the person demanding/expecting it.

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to feel secure - but it is the assumption that you cannot feel secure unless you control somebody else and that, if they object to being controlled, that makes it somehow their fault for your feelings of insecurity.

Of course, you have the absolute right to choose not to get with or stay with somebody with whom you do not feel secure, but you do not have the right to demand security from anybody at all costs, exclusively on your terms - doing so makes you their master and them your possession.

If you don't trust somebody for any reason, that is plenty enough justification for you not being in a relationship with them. What you cannot do is decide that you unequivocally deserve to be in a relationship with them, therefore they are required to do everything you require of them in order to prove themselves worthy of your trust.

Deciding that they don't want to put up with your paranoia any more and so ending the relationship is categorically NOT proof that they were cheating on you. This flawed mindset is going from a bizarre assumption that you were perfect, so they MUST therefore have fallen short in some way.

And now I see from your update that he was also in contact with his ex - for what whatever reason. He has form for discrediting former partners and labeling them as "crazy". Yeah, no reason not to think he is actually the cheat due to his hypersensitivity and it is would turn out to be projection.

He had nightmare written all over him. Stay strong OP!

Sorry OP my guess is he is the one cheating and has a guilty conscience! My ex did this and he was having an affair that was making him paranoid.

He's a weird, potentially dangerous individual.

He does not have a high opinion of you, thinks you are a cheat, seemingly without any justification. Do not allow someone who has this way of thinking - they have the potential to abuse you and do all kinds of things with access to your phone. Honestly, speaking from experience, do not allow this kind of person anywhere near you, your family, children, employment etc. super dangerous.

@Permanentlydazedandconfused Thank goodness you got out of there. Nuts!

He won't kill himself! He will have learned early in life that that is an effective weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if his mum or dad said the same.

I'm glad you ended it OP. Don't go back no matter how much he grovels. The suicide threat is your warning of who he really is.

So he wants you to live like a prisoner on parole?

Get away from him as fast as you can.

I'd like to know who the fuck the 2% are that think you're being unreasonable.