Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

This was my first thought. He was probably similar in past relationships and I’m sure will tell his next girlfriend that you were cheating because in his mind if you weren’t you would have complied rather than breaking up with him.

You're definitely not overreacting. Also, any time a partner says "if you loved me you'd..." they're manipulating you. It's the most guilt trippy way to phrase any request.

I'm glad to hear you've ended things with this walking red flag.

I don’t know how he would feel about me on his phone, I’ve never had the urge to look.

Obviously, if he loves you, he wouldn't have any objections to you doing so, as it's just a small thing...

I am also doubting whether he was actually cheated on before, apparently by all of his exes.

That reminds me of the old joke about the woman whose first six husbands all tragically died from eating poisoned mushrooms. Her seventh also sadly died - from a sharp blow to the head... because he refused to eat the mushrooms that she cooked for him.

These are all his problems not yours

I know it’s easier said than done but it’s done and over
this is no way to live

I told him that my decision to end the relationship was final this morning

Great decision, OP. A wise escape for you, and maybe a heads-up for him for the future that this is what happens when he treats women this way.

On top of all the entirely justified comments above, your friends/family/colleagues who may be emailing or messaging you about sensitive issues in their own lives would be rightly outraged to discover that their messages were being read by your boyfriend.

If you have work email or messaging related to work on your phone, it could be a serious disciplinary issue if you were allowing your partner unfettered access to that information.

If you want to cheat on him, you will find a way to do so, whether he is inspecting your phone or not. So where does it end? Should he follow you around at all times? Check your bank account? Forbid you from talking to certain people

He is the one with a problem. He is the one who needs to change their behaviour.

The only behaviour you need to change is that you need to leave this relationship and not look back.

Op, you should be running for your fucking life.

So not only does he get to check your phone whenever he wants to, because of his 'trust issues', YOU are the one who needs counselling for realising that this is not normal?!

Incidentally, does he allow you to check his phone whenever you wonder if he might have been up to anything, should you wish to?

I can see some parallels here with the other current thread where OP convinced her (solvent, responsible, loves his daughter) fiance to let her see his bank statements, just in case he might have a gambling problem. I know she said that 'we' shared 'our' bank statements, because transparency is important to 'us', but she never clarified whether they both decided this together or if one of them was much keener and managed to persuade the other.

Well, he seems like a decent guy...

Come on now, you can't be so desperate that you really think this is ok? Raise your standards. Take a break from men and build up your self-esteem.

Massive red flag. What will he demand next? Je needs to see a counsellor about HIS issues. A counsellor will tell him that checking your phone is unacceptable. You are entitled to your privacy. This sounds like a control issue.
leave now while you can and so not go back. It is all down hill from here.

This is very much a him problem and I'm concerned you are even questioning it

Relationships are built on trust, this is not a good relationship. Where will the control stop? Is he giving you access to his socials and phone and location too? Run and don't look back

Trust issues? In other words he is a massively controlling arsehole. Run a mile, OP. Nothing about what he's demanding is reasonable in any way whatsoever. Out of interest, how would he feel about you wanting access to his phone and location at all times?

If you were going to cheat and you knew he was regularly checking your phone, you'd get a second phone for cheating purposes. It won't take him long to work that out - so then what will he ask you for? Will he be searching your underwear drawer and under the seats in your car for your other phone? Or will he just skip straight to you not being allowed out without him?

If he's been cheated on in the past enough that he thinks you're going to do it too, HE needs to go to a counsellor and find some coping strategies. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, feeding his anxiety with constant reassurance is not going to do him any favours - it's a bit like someone with health anxiety going to the GP every time they sneeze, it doesn't help and it's not right to expect the world to adjust itself around him.

He should get counselling given how insecure he clearly is

Forget sorting out your problems, why on earth are you considering re-entering into this?! It is controlling behaviour and you deserve better than a life with someone like that.

You could go to a counselor so that he can learn that a counselor will absolutely not tell you to hand over your phone whenever he wants it, but better yet, just stick to your first instinct that’s he’s being unreasonable and controlling.

Nope nope nope.

When you're involved with a man who's convinced you're cheating, there's nothing you can do to convince them otherwise. They'll never believe you're being faithful, they'll only believe they haven't found their proof yet.

Looking through a partner's phone or tracking their location is no substitute for genuine trust. It is simply not healthy to be doing these things in a relationship and no counsellor would back him up on that.

I'd be dubious that any of his exes cheated on him btw. Men like this always justify it by claiming all their exes cheated, and when he moves on to the next victim woman he'll claim you cheated on him too.

This is controlling, he will push you to do this, and it still won't be enough, he will need more. I'll bet my life he would say "you know I'm checking your phone so probably delete things so I need your passwords to everything".

You're much better cutting your losses and walking away. This will only get worse.

He really thinks a therapist would tell him it's OK, he's bonkers. Say goodbye and never look back.

Some interesting answers, considering that it's considered OK for a woman to 'accidentally' check her partner's phone!

No way!
Me and my husband share location via find my iPhone (it can be handy if he needs to pick me up from somewhere or I need an idea if he's on his way home etc) but hanging my phone over? Nah. It's his issue not yours.

Please don't return to him. This has disaster written all over it. He's controlling and won't change. No counsellor worth their salt would go along with this.

YANBU, he is. As he has issues with trust and jealousy, the way to deal with them is for him to take responsibility by getting counselling or other help. The answer is NOT for you to enable him, particularly to your own detriment. He needs to accept he has a problem, then deal with it, not put it on you.