Partner wants full access to my phone whenever he has doubts?!

Will you have unfettered access to his phone?
People that accuse you of cheating are usually guilty of it.
Tell him to shut or take a hike

Don’t be a doormat and shot him the exit. Ffs have people really got standards this low that this is even being considered?

no. Just no.

He does not trust you, does not respect you and is trying to control you. Your non negotiable should be that you are trusted by your partner - time to ditch him before he wears you down and you lose all self respect.

Never hitch your horse to a wagon with a wonky wheel.
This blokes got a very wonky wheel.

Jealousy, controlling and abusive.

I think you may need to take steps to stop him becoming stalkerish.
He might drive past your house a lot to keep tabs on you, or keep turning up where you are, or contact your friends and family etc.

Clearly communicate to him if he does any of those things, you will seek court orders to stop him.. then block him on everything. And don't take any new friend requests on any platforms for a while.

I’ll bet the ex wasn’t first either. I think the only ‘trust issues from previous relationships’ are his.

But he would say that, wouldn't he! Which is why you'd compare notes.

Sounds like you’re well shot of him OP.
Soooo many red flags! Very controlling behaviour from him in my opinion.

I suspect many of this type of mam only care about women as a possession and probably don't even care about the cheating as much as the wanting to use the "worry" s a means of control.

Imagine what he'll be telling his next gf about you!

She’s probably perfectly lovely, just another victim of his abuse.

Haha what bullshit.

My spouse and I have transparency and access to our phones but that doesn't mean we constantly check messages to try to find out if we are cheating or tracking locations. That is pure abuse simple.

Because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean OP has to tolerate being treated like she is cheating as well, he needs to work on his insecurities.

A person so oddly obsessed with where you are and what is on your phone is hanging up the red bunting in armfuls.

Tell me you're an abusive controlling person without telling me you're an abusive controlling person 😂. Obsessed my ass, he is abusive and controlling stop trying to sugar coat it.

@Permanentlydazedandconfused welldone for cutting him off quickly not like many women here who will make excuses and turn a blind eye until they have wasted years of their lives with an abusive partner and don't recognize themselves anymore.

Nah
ContCoerBehavStatGuidV3-10-04-22_.pdf (publishing.service.gov.uk)

There's a difference between having access to each other's phone in a healthy relationship and being open and this situation. Here her partner is constantly suspicious of her not because she has done anything but because of his last
relationship and wants to constantly check her phone to make sure she isn't cheating. That is very unhealthy and wrong.

I have access to my partners phone but I don't constantly check it trying to see if my spouse is cheating or not, but if I need to do something on the phone ther a no problem or concern and vice versa. I'm not constantly stalking my spouses phone or messages trying to see if they cheated or not so no @Permanentlydazedandconfused should not tolerate this at all.

He needs to work on his insecurities or move on simple. This will only lead to more and more liberties being taken because he is scared that she may be cheating on him and she will end up being cut off from her friends and support system just to keep him from being suspicious and trying to keep him happy in the process she will lose herself to his insecurities and guess what, it will still not be enough.

He will want to know see every communication you have with your friends etc otherwise you just be cheating on him. What next start stalking all her emails and social media accounts and work emails just in case she is cheating with a colleague?

In summary yes I am all for being open and transparent in a relationship but not when it becomes abusive to satisfy someone's paranoia.

YANBU this is abusive behaviour. This is his issue not yours yet he thinks you are the one who needs to compromise to satisfy his paranoia. This us absolutely not acceptable. You don't need to offer justification for why you don't want him to look at your phone on command. Trust is a basic relationship need. Without it, it's doomed. I would get away from this guy as fast as you can x

Exactly this.

@SirAlfredSpatchcock Sorry, I fear we are diverting the thread.
I am sure a thread on MN about having a DP who would not share their phone password would have many sympathetic responses. Context matters, going on a date to find the man had thoroughly researched you online would be creepy, the other way round is is pretty much expected. Ideally, we would go beyond gender norms, but we are far from that.
I am so think as society changes, so has MN. Ten years ago, I was abusive as my marriage was rough and I was a man. I am in a much better marriage but often cast as a victim as women are now held to what I fear is an almos impossible standard here.

If somebody threatened to kill themselves - especially if you have it in writing in a text/WhatsApp - I would indeed inform the police of this.

If they are genuine, they can receive the professional help that they desperately need - and you've been a 'good' citizen; but if they're being manipulative, they can have that very awkward conversation with the police and maybe find themselves the recipient of some unwanted and intrusive attention as they try to explain themselves.

@Sweden99

What excuses have your partners given for checking?

Are they honest that they want to look for any signs that you've been cheating, just in case you have been (and are also too dim to delete messages and save your theoretical affair partner as 'Steve' in your contacts); or do they lie and pretend they need to use an app that they don't have, say that their phone's battery is dead or similar?

If the former, how do you think they would have reacted if you'd said "Actually, no; I have not been cheating at all, but my phone is private, just as yours is for you"?

If you see it as normal and standard, as a man, to have your phone checked regularly by a female partner, without her having any grounds for suspicion whatsoever, I daresay you too have been/are being a victim of abusive controlling behaviour, albeit much lower down the ladder at this present time than OP.

Threatening suicide is a well known tactic and extremely manipulative. Ignore it

If you have concerns for his welfare, inform the police

But I still don't see why you can say that it's not as serious if a woman does it than if a man does it.

You get paranoid, irrational, jealous women too, who will also try to control their partners.

Whatever individual opinions are on whether it can be justified or not, surely the two 'groups' would be split into 'those following up on other very concerning and suspicious behaviours' and 'those who are paranoid/controlling/gaslighting with no reason to suspect whatsoever'; not 'women who do it' and 'men who do it'?

Even if it IS justified to snoop when consolidating other suspicious actions and evidence, by the time the trust is gone and you're checking your spouse/partner's phone for proof, you probably don't have much of a relationship left anyway.

@Rosscameasdoody, I would say that as a man, I am used to having my phone checked. I have certainly not given reasonable grounds for suspicion. I do accept that women have more right to check and also that it is jus tmore normal.
But we agree with the situations are different.