Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

My teenage DD is autistic and would be so upset if people laughed at her for essentially being autistic.

They weren't being kind, but I do see that they were trying to keep it to themselves. Still think they require a think about why they were laughing at him.

It sounds like you’re very sensitive to this.

I could understand you getting upset if they were being cruel but it doesn’t seem like they were. This sounds like you were the one who was embarrassed by his behaviour (or embarrassed for him?) and trying to get him to stick to social norms.

Sometimes personality traits or habits are linked to being ND. Noticing them or even teasing about them - as long as everyone finds it funny - isn’t necessarily mean. It’s part of accepting them for who they are.

If folks act weird, others are allowed to find it funny. It was rude of them to show it, but they didn't intend others to see that.

Anyone has the right to feel offended in the face of rudeness, but would let it drop and not be embarrassed, because being embarrassed suggests you find him weird too.

But they didn't start laughing right away, as OP says she only noticed it when she turned around and saw them doing it

Yes, as was bolting. So right away

But they didn't start laughing right away, as OP says she only noticed it when she turned around and saw them doing it.

Is it the worst crime in the world? Of course not, but it's not kind to laugh about people like that.

Oh bloody hell, I've done the very thing I hate - not read the OP properly! Apologies.

Do you know how your DP would react if he had seen them laughing? Some people would find it a helpful social cue, especially if obviously gentle and not malicious, and other people would absolutely hate it. If he'd be sensitive to it, worth having a word to your family to say you know he has his quirks but please try not to laugh. If it's just your own sensitivity to it, try to take it in the spirit it was meant. I've sometimes not been able to stop myself laughing at something someone's done and it's upset them; I've also been on the receiving end and the important thing is being able to explain your intentions/understand theirs.

They are not brothers,,,🤯

It is OP's brother and his wife.

The fact that they waited until OP and her partner had gone ahead tells me it was exactly that

They didnt wait, she said he bolted and she was trying to tell him to chill and she didnt get to finish that sentence before he had gone. Therefore, the laughter was completely spontaneous and they didnt wait to do it

They are brothers. They will have spent their whole lives laughing at each other.

I see both points of view. That would hurt me too though. As others have said (my husband has ASD too) I feel protective of DH when people take things the wrong way or mock things that he has done or said - which luckily hasn't happened many times in our long relationship! So I do relate to this. My siblings are understanding that his way of thinking is different and they wouldn't mock it (openly anyway!).

@Myblindsaredown how was it not deliberate?

The fact that they waited until OP and her partner had gone ahead tells me it was exactly that.

Do you not have injokes etc with your partner? Myself and my partner are always conveying our thoughts about other people via looks/eye rolls/smirks.

Racing out of a car leaving everyone else behind that has joined you on the activity could also be perceived as rude. I would in no way do that.

Sounds like they found it funny rather than rude. But honestly a grown man leaving behind his group to run across a car park - I'd laugh too. Not in a malicious way, just in a WTF?!

It was understandably unpleasant for you, but if you don't think it was meant to hurt you or your partner, you'll have to accept that sometimes these things happen. People unintentionally rub us the wrong way all the time: It's part of interacting with others, including family and friends. Your partner behaving oddly will probably strike others as funny from time to time, and even if he's autistic, that won't make some of his behaviour any less amusing.

It would be unkind of them to mock him, but they weren't being mean-spirited. You don't have to like it, but it's just part of life. I'd try to let it go, though it's easier said than done when something bothers you and you can't stop going over it in your mind.

I'm not particularly picking on you, but seeing as you're the last comment that I've read along these lines of it being okay to laugh at people for being different, I thought I'd quote you

Why can't the neurotypical people be more accepting of others? Why can't they expand their bandwidth to understand the neurodivergent people behave differently but that it's not odd and it doesn't have to be done differently. I don't understand why neurotypical people can't be more accepting instead of laughing at everything

You say, it isn't unkind, but it is unkind. It is really nasty to laugh at someone whether behind their back or to their face. It is mean and it shows a lack of empathy and understanding

I shouldn't be surprised because there is so much ableism on mumsnet but it always saddens me because I manage to avoid people like this in real life and so it's always a bit of a shock to see how unpleasant the majority of people really are when they're hiding behind anonymity

Op I would have a word with your siblings and point out that it is really mean and unkind to laugh at someone for being who they are. If you haven't already I would be open about the fact that you think your DP is autistic but honestly they shouldn't need to be told that in order to be nice to somebody and not be arseholes.

I agree with all of this. It was a momentary action on his part that they found amusing. They werent deliberately being mean, unkind or judgemental. Sometimes I have found things people said or did funny, and vice versa people have found things I have said funny. It wasn't mean spirited or unkind. I find it hard to believe that you have never found something bemusing OP.

He wasn't being annoying though was he? And there is no need for him to stop doing things like running ahead because others might find it odd. It was a really harmless move by the OPs dp, she was embarrassed but that's her issue, the OPs brother and sil laughed, that's their issue, meanwhile the OPs dp was off living his best life 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, I am autistic. I know that some people have laughed because of me at times but that's OK. I'm sure it's happened a lot of times I've been completely oblivious to as well.

I have a few autistic friends and we laugh at ourselves and each other too because we can sometimes see oddness in other people that we don't recognise in ourselves unless it's pointed out to us.

My children sometimes point out to me when I do something particularly 'autistic'. Neither of them is diagnosed autistic. One has a diagnosis of a different ND and they both have traits. None of it is unkind or unpleasant.

If his behaviour was weird and annoying then it's unrealistic to expect people not to notice and react to that. If there is a pattern of him being weird and annoying then yes they probably expected some weird behaviour and that's why they started laughing. Yes it's unkind but it's also human nature. If you and DP both think he's autistic then you should be able to have conversations about socially inappropriate behaviour and develop a strategy by which you can signal to him when he's being odd and he can stop.

If in two years you’ve all spent time together basically every 6-8 weeks including some full daytrips / weekends out, I think that’s pretty good going tbh. Your brother and SIL clearly like your DP even if they aren’t ever going to be best buddies - if they found him tiresome and his behaviour a source of constant irritation then they’d just make their excuses not to spend time with you. Which puts context on their laughter as not being unkind, just finding the situation funny.

….but you don’t know what they were laughing at? Perhaps they were laughing at you for trying to nanny his behaviour?

You seem to be clinging to the person who agrees with you. From what you’ve written your boyfriend was to far away to be brought into the humour, so I’m not sure why you’re agreeing.

clearly you’re very hurt they laughed about his behaviour and you’re embarassed by how he behaved, which is amplifying the whole thing in your head.

you seem to also want to blame your brother as the ice has never fully broken, when it looks like your brother has accepted your partner, just they will unlikely never be best friends,

look. You love your boyfriend, your family clearly are accepting of him. He sometimes behaves in ways that would be considered socially odd. And yes sometimes people will find it funny, sometimes uncomfortable. You need to accept this, as long as they are not deliberately unkind.and they weren’t,

I am ND and would have been fine with a “The beach isn’t go anywhere !” type joke so that I could modify my behaviour.

Would you have preferred them to say something out loud or pretend not to notice that your partner ran off?
I would have tried not to laugh if somebody that I wasn’t close to did this but if it was a family member then there would be gentle ribbing because that’s our sort of dynamic. Considering that your dp wasn’t in earshot, I’m surprised that your brother didn’t make some sort of comment to you but I’m guessing that you’re not very close to him ? If my brother had annoyed me, I would have said so but different families have different dynamics.