Caught brother and sil laughing at my dp behind back

Yep, this. Typical of MN - blasting posters on one disability thread, for using descriptive factual phrases like ‘confined to a wheelchair’ to describe someone, but having no problem with someone laughing at odd behaviour behind someone’s back. OP says they have discussed trying to get a diagnosis for her DP so there’s obviously a possibility of autism or similar. They may not have meant to cause offence but they clearly weren’t discreet or OP wouldn’t have seen it. That in itself is unacceptable. I know OP says it wasn’t obnoxious but given the circumstances and the possibility that it is down to a condition, I don’t see how it can be anything else. Juvenile and rude.

Not quite.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

The OP has not said her partner has autism.
So you haven't read the thread properly ie. you've made a mistake or a misinformed judgement.
Which is exactly what the ILs did - they laughed at something they thought was funny and then felt embarrassed when they were seen, because it's not kind to laugh at someone else's expense.

The brother and SIL have no idea that he might be autistic. So their behaviour is nothing like mocking someone with Downs or someone in a wheelchair

Maybe have a think about how they sentence comes across 😬

You're massively overthinking this @IRole .

Your partner did something unintentionally funny, which made them laugh. They tried not to laugh because they didn't want to embarrass your partner, but got stuck in a giggle loop.

No-one meant to hurt anyone, it was just human nature. Try your best to forget about it, because you're the only one making it a big thing.

The brother and SIL have no idea that he might be autistic. So their behaviour is nothing like mocking someone with Downs or someone in a wheelchair

They just saw him make a dash for the activity, and OP trying to catch up with him and thought it was funny.

Why would you laugh at a downs syndrome child or someone with a wheelchair? The behaviour of your DP was funny. He hasn’t got a diagnosed condition that everyone knows about. He’s an adult and adults learn to moderate their behaviour by the reactions of those around them. That’s why I stopped walking round the street naked.

Yet another ableist thread and people being told that the OP should be OK with their behaviour because it was 'funny'.

Would it be OK for them to laugh at a child with Down's syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? of course not.

Yet, in this thread it seems OK to laugh at someone who has autism and is behaving in a way which is completely natural to them...

I am so tired at this type of attitude.

OP, I would have a talk with your family member and make it clear that yes your partner has a specific condition that means he behaves in certain ways.

But that you love that person just as he is and that you won't tolerate anyone making fun of him because that is disrespectful and hurtful to him and to you.

Nip that in the bud and distance yourself if they continue to mock him.

Hi OP, I can see why you'd feel a bit hurt - I've a child with ASD and can imagine this happening. Have you mentioned anything to your brother and SIL about your dp possibly being autistic?

I think I'd have a word and enlist their help a bit - you can say you saw them trying not to laugh and tell them part of it can be perseveration, getting very focussed on plans and activities and sometimes not picking up on social communication cues or NT ways of doing things. It might make it easier for your brother and your dp to get along a little better, as your brother might understand where your dp is coming from.

And for your dp, you could help things along a little by anticipating these sort of situations in future - as in, with that recent incident, you might have had a chat beforehand about when you arrive, you won't be going directly into the activity but will probably need to chat first.

Sniggering behind someone’s back is rude and juvenile. Try not to feel hurt, they’re the ones at fault. I hope your DP didn’t notice (sorry if I missed that, skim read!)

My adult son does this. Races ahead and tries to herd us like cattle. Taking the absolute piss and laughing about it is the only way to get him to see what he’s doing and bring him back to the mainstream group dynamic. Having one person’s odd character dominating a group activity is not good.

they are very immature and lacking in empathy/kindness.

But he doesn't have a diagnosis. OP and her partner have only spoken about it. So her brother and SIL aren't to know.

And can people not find something that is funny, a bit funny. Behaviours can still be funny in a certain context even if the person themselves don't mean them to be.

I'm just picturing something out of a carry on film. Dp running, you running behind him trying to keep up. I'd probably laugh too.

I'm quite 'quirky'. I have ADHD, starting to think lately that there's more at play though.

Some of my friends think my quirks are hilarious and as another poster said 'endearing'. The fact they might be funny actually made me feel so much more accepted and comfortable.

I'm sure sometimes they've laughed if I wasn't able to hear it, what are they supposed to do? Call me over so that I am aware they're laughing at something I've done or said 🤔

I don't think it's harsh to say that laughing at someone is unkind behaviour.

That doesn't make them bad or nasty as people.

I think I I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?

For exactly all the reasons given in this thread.
It's not kind to laugh AT people, especially if they have a condition which makes them behave in unconventional/irregular/unpredictable/"silly" ways.

The thing is, people do funny things. They fall in hedges, they drop ice creams, they fart, they make spoonerisms which sound rude, they sing badly.

An onlooker may not know whether that person has a condition which means they are clumsy or lack self-awareness, or have a speech delay etc.

When they realise they are laughing at something they shouldn't they feel embarrassed and/or ashamed.

Your ILs either needed to not find what your DP did as funny or they needed to suppress their laughter or they needed to apologise to you and your DP for laughing at him.
I don't know what the right answer is.

If OPs do was very overweight and they saw him walking ahead and laughed would that be ok? Would he need a diagnosis of “fat” for it to be unkind? It’s horrible to laugh at people and this is his family.

Honestly OP I think it stung because it was horrid of them to laugh at him. Just say to them “you really upset me laughing at dp “ It will give them a chance to apologise and the heads up that they are hurting your feelings. Then just ignore it and hopefully they will be more polite going forward.

Oh cmon OP. You’ve just said that there isn’t the level of comfort/closeness between them to take the piss out of him and yet in a previous reply you said

“I think I would find it less hurtful if they had just be open in their bemusement. Why feel the need to hide it?”

you’ve explained exactly why they tried to hide it. had they openly laughed/were bemused you would 100% be on here complaining because they’re not close enough to be bemused to his face.

@fieldsofbutterflies I don't think they were actively intending to be unkind any more than OP's partner was, so I think you're judging them too harshly.

@RitaFires I never said they were bad people, I said their behaviour was unkind.

So what actually happened Op?

He bolted & you're jogging behind him telling him to "take in the moment & chill"?

If that's what happened I would probably have laughed at that situation.

@fieldsofbutterflies I think you're holding the brother and SIL to too high a standard. It's not possible to always behave perfectly. They were in a surprising situation where OP's partner and OP sped off ahead of them so there wasn't really an opportunity to all speak about it right away. OP admits she doesn't think it was mean spirited, they might have felt embarrassed about addressing it once they caught up, that doesn't make them bad people.

@something2say how do you know OP’s brother and SIL have perfect lives?

In fact, thinking about it, I know people have glanced at each other sometimes when I've been speaking on a subject I go on and on about. Not everyone is for everyone, and if they are usually welcoming and fun with him, it's not a big issue, if they do it deliberately or frequently, that is more unpleasant and needs directly addressing.

You cannot control what others think though about you in public, I give public lectures sometimes and I know a few people will think I'm a bit much or a twat but that can't be helped, people do think things about other people and their behaviour.