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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wouldn't be friends with ... AIBU to judge her for this?

112 replies

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:08

Last night I went out to someone's leaving drinks at work, afterwards me and two my colleagues went to meet with one of their girlfriends who had been out too.
We were all quite drunk, I have met this girl a number of times and I quite liked her. We have a brunch just the two of us for Sunday.

I don't remember exactly how it came up but she mentioned that she's only really friends with people who went to private school. She explained that she finds some (not all) people who went to state schools like to discredit her success (she's 6 years younger than me, making 15k more than me in the same job more or less so she's doing well!). That she's appreciates she is privileged but that can only take you so far and she's also worked really hard. So generally she finds others who went to private school aren't so keen to bring her down a peg or two and value her success.
I think I jokingly drunkenly responded that she and her boyfriend are my only friends who went to private school (I went to a grammar school). She was clearly drunk so I wasn't taking her too seriously.
The conversation continued and we talked about groups of people that we don't really have any friends from or wouldn't be friends with (all white innocent stuff like people who post there every move on social media).
Then she said very much unprovoked "oh I'm not really friends with fat people" now this took me back. I asked her to explain and she said that she doesn't mean someone who's just a little overweight but someone who is obese. She said she just assumes they are quite lazy and wouldn't enjoy most of her hobbies and that she knows it mean but she does judge. Now I don't get this one, and really when I look on her instagram all her friends are size 6-8 stunning girls. She's a 6 but lives an almost unsustainably active life.

At the time I just brushed it off and changed the topic but now I'm thinking about it - it's awfully mean. I told my closest friend and she said that while she doesn't agree with it, she understands but thinks it's one of those thoughts that should be kept quiet.

Now I'm not sure what next, she's the first new friend I've had in years, we have a good laugh and I was actually really looking forward to a girly brunch. My others friends all have kids now (I have a 19 month old and it's nice to have a non mum friend who doesn't want to speak about kids all the time).
She's intelligent, well spoken etc. so makes for a good sober conversation (clearly her drunk chat leaves a lot to be desired).

So I guess my AIBU to judge the opinions she disclosed drunk and to be considering cancelling brunch/ending the short lived friendship off the back of it?
Or do we all have our less nice side and this is just hers?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 31/05/2024 16:27

She sounds quite thick.

fliptopbin · 31/05/2024 16:26

Isn't it wonderful when you think you have made a new friend and then you suddenly realise that they are a raging snob,/racist/homophobe.
Sadly it has happened to most people at some point, and it is so disappointing.

GoldenHorse · 31/05/2024 16:09

I think that once you feel the need to start a public thread to bash the negatives of someone that they clearly aren’t a friend so that should give you the answer you are looking for.

GoldenHorse · 31/05/2024 16:08

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:34

I've had a baby and I'm still a size 6/8 - not impossible!

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But you are 29, aren’t you?

StaunchMomma · 31/05/2024 16:03

I can't stand judgemental people and she sounds like one on multiple levels.

It would be a hard no from me.

DodoTired · 31/05/2024 15:18

DownWithThisKindOfThing · 31/05/2024 11:19

She’d hate me, a state comp educated fatty with a good degree and job.

she sounds vile. How old is she that where someone went to school even comes up in conversations? 12? I can’t remember the last time someone introduced themselves to me, or me to them, outlining my education status.

she sounds not only judgmental but ignorant and ill informed with her comments on privilege also.

Sorry to say but school never comes because you went to state school … privately educated talk a lot about that (as in, which school exactly, do you
know so and so, etc), especially the ones who went to most prestigious boarding schools, and they sniff each other out by accent and mannerisms…without needing to ask “did you go to private school”. I used to hang out with this crowd and school is more important than uni

I am a self made from another country so found it all quite bizarre. But it is what it is

Allshallbewell2021 · 31/05/2024 15:11

I think this woman is saying things that no one should say out loud and my assumption about someone who voices theses kinds of things is that they're not very bright.

Sorry but the comments you've quoted are proper Dumpkopf territory. Go to brunch to be polite but then run for the hills. I don't personally make time for people like this

Nosleepforthismum · 31/05/2024 15:05

Ahh she just sounds young and dumb. Don’t write her off over a drunken rant. She’ll look back in a few years and cringe don’t worry.

Flapearedknave · 31/05/2024 15:01

I couldn't be friends with somebody like that.

You want to make excuses for her.

I don't understand why you started the thread tbh.

RedBulb · 31/05/2024 15:01

im sure if we all dig deep enough we have opinions that would be unsavoury to others, I wouldn’t be too bothered about this to be honest.

Sounds like she lacks a bit of life experience and hopefully if she is a decent person, her opinions will evolve and change over the years.

As a PP said, judge people by how they treat others.

Myridiculousstomach · 31/05/2024 14:45

Nope. She sounds like an arsehole.

Mostlycarbon · 31/05/2024 14:41

I mean, she sounds like a bitch. I don't know how else you can spin it, really.

daisychain01 · 31/05/2024 13:40

I think a lot of people here must be angelic as it seems they’ve never said something judgemental while drunk!

you're tarring an awful lot of people with a big wide brush there! Big assumption that people get drunk. And big assumption that they insult their friends when they have a drink. Neither of which you have any visibility of, and it isn't normal behaviour to do either of those things.

Reliana · 31/05/2024 13:37

Also for everyone saying I wouldn’t be friends with someone like that - I’d imagine they are the same people that these people wouldn’t be friends with anyway!

daisychain01 · 31/05/2024 13:37

I don't think I could trust a friend's sense of judgement after that. Not sure if there's any coming back from it.

Drunken rant? Or someone whose inhibitions are low because of drink so tell you what's really on their mind...

Your frenemy's views are really naive and let's hope in years to come she looks back with embarrassment and cringes at what she said.

I'd leave her to it, her and her private school education. Tedious.

Flapearedknave · 31/05/2024 13:36

I couldn't be friends with somebody like that.

You want to make excuses for her.

I don't understand why you started the thread tbh.

Reliana · 31/05/2024 13:35

I don’t think this is worth ending a friendship over.
In my experience of extremely attractive people (my sister for example modelled a lot in her late teens and is stunning) they are also friends with extremely attractive people. I don’t think it’s intentional it just seems to happen. My sister is also super fit so her closest friend is too, when they spending time together they are working out - that’s wouldn’t work with someone who isn’t fit.
I think a lot of people here must be angelic as it seems they’ve never said something judgemental while drunk!
If she is otherwise nice I say be her friend.

the80sweregreat · 31/05/2024 13:32

I do think people judge others a lot more than we give them credit for. They just don't say anything out loud.
Just start a ' unpopular opinions ' thread on here and it's usually deleted as people's views are anything from ' I don't like beards ' ( for example ) to all kinds of other judgements about lifestyle or looks.
I know a few people who look at us ' overweight people ' and definitely silently judge me, but they wouldn't say it to my face.
It's a tricky one.

Janedoe82 · 31/05/2024 13:29

Allfur · 31/05/2024 13:12

So if a 23 year old made racist comments when drunk, we just right it off as the folly of youth?

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It is not quite the same thing. Shallowness isn't a crime, being racist is.

FruitFlyPie · 31/05/2024 13:24

I wouldn't end the friendship over this if it were me. The older I get, the more I realise that people aren't perfect. As long as someone isn't actively cruel to others, you can't police every thought. I also think friendships are mainly about the fun you have together, and not necessarily that person representing all your own values.

nutbrownhare15 · 31/05/2024 13:22

I could maybe forgive the first thing but not the second. I wouldn't want to be friends with her because she's a horrible judgemental person and I'd always be wondering if she was judging me, my school, my weight, anything else really behind my back.

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 13:19

But meet her again and see if the friendship spark is still there. In the cold light of eggs benedict she might not seem so cool. Or then again she might!

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 13:18

I’m sitting here thinking about what would stop me from wanting to be friends with someone. None of them are things relating to appearance. If someone is entertaining company and makes me laugh I don’t really care whether that’s delivered by a size 6 blonde or a size 20 redhead. Just seems…irrelevant.

Her fear of state school educated people i.e. the majority of the population does indicate insecurity.

LongIslander · 31/05/2024 13:15

LivelyHare · 31/05/2024 13:08

So she has an opinion on fat people, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Who cares either way?!

The question is more why you feel you can’t be friends with someone whose opinion differ from yours. Do you seriously just want vanilla all the time?

So it's 'vanilla' not to get drunk and express your dislike of fat people?

Universalsnail · 31/05/2024 13:15

I wouldn't be friends with her tbh. She sounds like a terrible person 😅 at best she's a snob who is secretly judging everything you do. Sounds exhausting.