To wonder how mums of yore did it

What does parent properly mean?

In the very old days close parenting only really happened until 3. After that point many children were working even if informally. Eg Dad’s job was to collect water from 3 and he used to walk 5 miles multiple times a day to do it. By that age my aunts were cooking.

in the 80s I was cooking 1 meal a day for 10 people by 5, providing childcare above and beyond my capabilities. Women with lots of children do rely on elder children a lot for support.

How do women do it? Men could never.

Oh they can!
I dumped around 70% of child and house related workload on DH so when he is not pulling his weight he does 50%.

I hear you!
I have one child. I'm 6 years in and I'm still frazzled 🤣 I've always worked and currently I'm full time.
BUT...I do most of the childcare/admin/house stuff as partner is a bit lazy/shit.

I think to not feel frazzled you need to have a husband who pulls their weight.
I also think having 'easy' kids helps.
DD has never been easy 😬
My mum had 2 under 2 and when we talk about it she always says she's a different type to me who was happy to stay at home with me and my brother. We were happy to do crafts and potter about in the garden or whatever. My dad went to work. That was more the done thing in the 80s/early 90s. It was also a safer world, there was no social media, screens, tiktok etc. We also did as we were told. No meant no and we knew it.
It certainly seems harder raising kids now. I think most people would agree.

My mother's generation left school and went to work at 14.

Previous generations had less expectations. There was no need for a dual income household and hence expectation to go back to work. Generally people lived closer to their family and had more support, grandparents were younger.
societal expectations of juggling it all were non existent.
Im not down with men at all…but I think there’s a lot more self pressure on a woman to handle it all. I’ve only got one child, and like you, sometimes bamboozled, but can see from zero to one is the biggest change.
The biggest influence is probably going to be your partner, are they equal, supportive, let you take the lead?

i don’t know how women with huge families did it in years gone by, even if they were stay at home.

I Will definitely be passing on the message to my DC to only have as many as you can cope with on your own.

H and I had 3, very much wanted. We very unexpectedly separated and I found myself as a lone parent, working full time. It is beyond tiresome.

They didn’t have out of home exercise routines and hobbies, little Dilan and Jacob didn’t do tennis scouts basketball and football and need driving there, or have birthday parties every other weekend, but also mums didn’t get to sit and watch tv in the evening; they cleaned and sewed. They worked hard all the time, and didn’t get much in the way of me time. Hobbies were sewing and mending. Mums didn’t spend hours playing with their toddlers.
the kids did chores regularly, dressed themselves and the younger ones. Less toys is less tidying, and they played outside a lot. Dinner was one of 5-10 meals with limited variety and no one spent hours dreaming up new meals. The 6yo sets the table, the 8yo washes the dishes , the 10 does the rest of the clean up while mum baths the little ones.

Main thing: lower pre-freudian expectations of mothers. Ever since Freud came on the scene, mums have to be faultless otherwise we've traumatised our kids. Before that, it was ok to tell them off harshly, let them play outside by themselves, drop them off with random carers etc. Now, it's all about early years learning, sterilising, emotional attachment, 1-1 time with each kid, healthy diet etc.

I mean, no doubt it's all necessary. And I do all those gentle parent type things. But it is absolutely exhausting and I'm crushed by the impossible expectations