To wonder how mums of yore did it

Your DH's level of parenting would be absolutely fine, normal and expected of a mum in the 70s. Children and their needs were not the centre of the household and plans did not revolve around them. It is easier to parent if it is seen as completely normal and OK to leave your kids in the car while you have a drink in a pub - giving them a bag of crisps and a coke so they think it is a huge treat. My parents did this and this was absolutely mainstream, they'd go next door to a neighbour's house for a drink after we were asleep at night. At the weekend we would go out all day and just come back for food - older children were responsible for the younger ones. It was a different attitude to parenting which meant it took up a lot less time, effort and headspace for the parents.

I wouldn't say I emulated it with my kids, but I was aware of it - I didn't pack their schedules and it was fine for them to be bored at the weekend and have to find something to amuse themselves. But I was lucky my childrearing sneaked in under the wire before screens became ubiquitious.

How far back are we talking. Certainly in the 80s when my parents had me, one income could sustain a house. There wasn’t so much pressure on entertaining your dc all the time, eg we were out playing, left alone etc. We did extracurriculars growing up. I didn’t know any parents who went to gyms, often you see in here mums who exercise twice a day and work f/t. My parents solcialised with friends/did a hobby 1-2 times a week. There wasn’t the same pressure.

Many mothers in the past didn’t cope very well. Lots of neglect, alcoholism, relatives/neighbours having to step in and help out.
Also expectations were so much lower - loads of children never went near a dentist or an optician for example. Parents didn’t ferry their kids around to multiple after-school activities, sports, music lessons etc etc. Doing well at school and going to university wasn’t the expectation it is for many now and quitting school at 16 and getting an unskilled job was normal. Much, much less pressure for parents generally. All you were expected to do was provide shelter, food and clothes.

My has our twins solo all the time and manages a shedload of housework and decorating/DIY on top of working full time. He does school runs, gets up with them most mornings, makes their meals, plays endlessly with them, reads with them, baths up, put them to bed. For housework, I do the cooking and cleaning kitchen and bathrooms and he does laundry, dishes, bins, hoovering.

My late paternal GF was one of 10 apparently,he just had 2, late F and sister. He lived till 98, hard physical work, plumbing heating, even built his own bungalow,all himself. I saw recently on here posters think you're mentally and physically done in by the age of 60! I was an only child born 1950,my late DM didn't drive,we lived in a rural village,my GF didn't drive. The only people who had cars and phones were the Dr and midwife. I wanted 6 kids,had 4,2 miscarriages. My DM always worked, I had ballet lessons. I always worked,spaced my DKs as I could afford them. Maternity leave was 6 weeks after birth. I didn't have any family help. We never managed to buy property on one wage. In the early 80s, the mortgage rate went from 12 to 16% in the space of 18 months. I had 4 jobs. I did nursing training in 1972 . I didn't drive,lived outside a village, bicycle,seat for youngest. We started out in 3 rooms,then lived in a caravan... not a fancy park home. I mostly worked nights,so I was around for the kids,if they were sick never missed a sports day or assembly. Was 41 when I had my last (second marriage) a year later first grandchild was born,I have done childcare for 4 of my grandchildren, while working ft nights, when my DD was 9,my DF was terminally ill,he lived 40 miles away,i went and cared for him after a night shift while his wife (DM died 1988) went to look after her mother who was late 90s. We had a big garden,a lot of animals, including chicken. I planned like clockwork. I didn't go to bed after a night shift till my DD went to school, I never got sick,it was a family standing joke. Never caught coughs, colds,winter vomiting virus. And no, I didn't have a lot of help,DH 50s husband,stuff was womens work, same as my DF, he does pretty much everything I do now he's retired.

Mum didn’t drive and walked miles to take us and collect us from school. We walked everywhere or got the bus. Played out all the time, Tv was limited to after school for an hour.

Mothers often lived near their own mother and other relatives so there was always someone to take a child for an afternoon, or even to have a child live with grandparents.

As already said older siblings were expected to chip in. My nana was 19 when her brother was born (and yes it was her brother) and did a lot of the childcare as her own mother was worn out.

And not all mothers did cope, it was not uncommon for children to be tied to a table leg to keep them out of the way.

Go back to Victorian times and children were working from very young.

Mine was a 70s childhood. I did a few activities but walked myself to them once I was 9/10. I remembered Dad walking me to ballet when younger , and he took us swimming on Sunday mornings and taught us to swim - that was fitted in before church. Mum had a lie in on Sundays.

We played out on the street/local play park - no parents involved.

Mum worked part time for most of my childhood as did my MIL, but many of my friends’ mums were SAHMs. We had no family living nearby but usually had a week staying with DGPs in the summer without DPs.

Mum’s main hobby was knitting - mostly our jumpers. She also did church activities like choir, as did I.

Life was just much simpler then - but many of my friends, the vast majority, only had one sibling. There were very few large families. Four DC was almost unheard of. And my DPs born in the 40s were one of 2/3. It’s my DHPs’ generation born in the 1900s/1910s where there were 5 kids.

I have four DC aged 17, 14, 8 and 6. They are fairly spaced out in age. I don't work so have time to dedicate to them if they need help with exam revision. I study part time when they are in school. Only just started last year, so I waited until youngest was settled well into primary school before taking the leap.

I love it most of the time but do get occasional days it gets overwhelming. Not necessarily linked to quantity of DC but of life stresses in general IMO.

Sadly they died earlier. Speaking to my late grandparents they had little or no time for themselves, hobbies, personal achievements. They sacrificed everything. I remember finding out after one grandmother passed that she had one a place to university to study law.

But her mother felt it would create a selfish mother.😔. It explains how excited she was to always engage with our studies and travels.

My youngest is ten I would advise your DH he isn't meeting the threshold of parenting and his game needs to step up quickly.

More kids but less of everything else. No work for mums, no running around dropping kids off or taking them to activities, smaller homes so not as much to clean, family all living close by to help out. I think with very large families the older kids ended up doing a lot of the caring for younger siblings ans helping around the house.

One big difference is children weren’t supervised at least not by our standards. Even as recently the 1950s children were often sent out to play and told not to come back till tea time. Young children too, they were put under the care of the older children.

My mum, widowed young, sent 2 out of four of us to boarding school, worked full time.

I think the idea they 'didn't work outside the home ' is a bit skewed.

Maybe not necessarily outside of it but I'm from a fishing community. Women were up at 4am redding the lines and then later they were gutting the fish.

Hard, physical work on top of the kids.

There was more community sense in bringing them up but if we think they 'just' had to run the home we'd be in for a rude awakening.

As for lower expectations. Yes with the kids but they were out scrubbing the front step. Can't say I've ever done mine. Although perhaps that's because I don't work on it in the way they did!

I do wonder if complete focus on children is actually good for them. It adds a huge pressure to live up to expectations that perhaps weren't so in focus a few decades ago. I do wonder why we put everything into our children until the point they have their own when they are then supposed to dedicate themselves entirely to those children.

Even in the 80s and early 90s it was accepted that 'career women's would bung dinner in the microwave. Now everyone is expected to make home cooked meals and whip up a cake to Bake Off standards for the school coffee morning.

I had just the two and was a sahm for 7 years. I also had a very supportive DH. That’s how I did it. Wanted 3 but realised I wouldn’t be the parent I wanted to be with any more. They are now young adults and the mental load is different but it doesn’t go away. Parenting is for life!
I was one of 3 and born in 1971. We played out for hours with neighbours, didn’t do ‘clubs’ but had a very happy childhood. Mum was also a sahm.

I see a lot of larger families farming out childcare of their younger DC to the older DC in the family. Seem very unfair on a 10, 11 or 12 year old to have to do this rather than just be children themselves.

DH has several siblings. MIL said a few things like, "they don't need interaction, they've got toys," or "I'll give them a bath or take them for a walk but I don't do playing"
I found that pretty strange at first but when I thought about it I guess household chores took longer, shopping without a car etc and kids were close in age so maybe they just entertained each other.
She also thought it was OK to leave baby in a cot at home while you popped out for 10-15 minutes.
And lots of family (2 sets of GPs and aunts/uncles all lived in the same town, so a bigger support network)

1980 was safer? It was the height of the troubles and the news was full of bombings across the UK.

This. I was born in 1965. I have a brother 13 months younger than me and another brother a year younger than him. We didn't have a TV. We used to listen to ' Listen with mother' on the radio. Mum read to us a lot but didn't play with us. There were always 3 of us so we played together. Mum didn't work outside the house until I was 13. Her job had to fit entirely around her domestic duties. She passed her driving test when I was 14. We didn't go swimming, go to weekend activities, 'make memories '. In the summer holidays Mum used to pack a picnic. We would walk up onto the Downs, play up there, go around the wood, eat the picnic, make dens, walk home.We stayed with our grandparents in Derbyshire and went to Wales for a week in August. We entertained ourselves. We made things and built things. It wasn't expected thst parents would be involved . My father focused entirely on his career. My mum had 3 under 3. No fridge so she shopped every day. Grandad bought her a washing machine ( twin tub with mangle). We were all in terry towelling nappies at the same time at one point. She didn't have time to play but the expectation was that we would be clean-ish and warm ish ( 1 coal fire downstairs) and fed ( no faffing about with different options). When we were 7 , 6 and 5 we walked ourselves to school. Mum had a tartan trolley and did the food shopping in the afternoon so she could walk to school and collect us at hometime . She made her own clothes and lots of ours. Her life was us and the home. She wasn't a corporate wonder with a team of 10. She didn't go to the gym,have fake nails and big eyebrows and no body hair from the eyebrows down( all of which require hours away from home). She didn't meet friends for coffee. We didn't do sleepovers.Nobody did. She was mum ( and a lot of the time she was bored out of her brain ).

Attitudes to screen time have also changed. The TV was the marvel that could bring your children views of the world, a wonderful educational tool. Now it's a brain destroying addiction that will create violent and inattentive monsters.

Lower standards. Valium (in the 60's onwards). No extra curricular activities.

I was an 80s child and in my primary years was just allowed out to roam about whenever I wasn't in school. They'd just assume I'd be back for tea.

In comparison I spend my evenings running my DC to various clubs and doing an endless bedtime routine with my youngest.

My parents also never played with me and I feel a huge pressure to play (board games, frisby or whatever) with my DC.

My granny was the eldest of 7 girls born in 1919. When baby number 6 was born it turned out to be baby number 6&7. Family lore is that age 14 she sat on the stairs and cried as she was so worried about how to feed them.

I think we have so much leisure time now we can’t imagine how hard people worked. I’m from farming stock and my Dad age 74 still works a 60 hour week. His Dad would have done nothing but work all day every day. Expectations were different.

Children were wilder and had a lot more freedom but there was a lot less road traffic so it wasn’t so dangerous. I live in the same area now as I grew up and the cars and traffic significantly limit how and where children can play so there needs to be a lot more adult supervision than there used to.

there was less contraceptive
there was no thought that the man would not be around