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AIBU?

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Original poster

Limited access to DCs living with us, should I be worried when OH and I seperate?

42 replies

Wanstronian · 31/05/2024 00:13

My OH and I are separating and said that we would keep it friendly for the two DCs. This meant they could choose who to spend time with rather than on a rota. They will primarily staying with him due to work arrangements.
However while we are still all in the same house, OH makes plans to take them out (without me) all day Saturday and Sunday every weekend, the only time I have to see them as I work long hours.
I don’t think this is reasonable behaviour, nor does it give me confidence that when I do live apart from them I will actually see them.
I’m thinking I may need to formalise a rota given I feel excluded even now, although I don’t want to force the DCs.
AIBU? Has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
Chocaholicnightmare · 31/05/2024 01:54

In similar boat here. I would absolutely recommend a formal arrangement. Letting the children decide is too wishy washy. Children like structure and don't need the pressure of choosing. I would suggest 50/50, week on, week off (to save the faffing around in the week). On their week without you they could come for tea a couple of times.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/05/2024 01:46

Here’s a wacky idea… have you you spoken to you DC to see what they want?

Original poster
Wanstronian · 31/05/2024 00:26

SleepPrettyDarling · 31/05/2024 00:20

Have your teens already expressed a choice to mainly stay with him; it’s not clear what stage of the discussion you are at.

The children are entitled to time and space to have a relationship with you. And you are entitled to time with then. Would you propose mediation?

we are separating in two months. Have told them, but things not really progressing fast. I will be local. Mediation is being talked about but hopefully can agree between us. I just don’t want to force them to have to be with me if they’d rather not.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 31/05/2024 00:26

Formalise the rota, alternate weekends. It is cleaner for the kids with less emotional pressure.

Ponderingwindow · 31/05/2024 00:24

You need to have a rota. He needs to be able to make plans with the children without worrying about you. You need to be able to do the same.

you could start by alternating who is responsible for the children every other weekend. That doesn’t mean the children can’t ask the other parent for something as that would be stressful for them.

It means that is the parent that gets up early, plans and makes all meals, does all major child related chores, and gets to plan any activities. That parent is also responsible for anything like friend birthday parties that pop up on those days. Obviously the primary parent for the weekend can’t leave the children without making child care arrangements either via the other parent or a sitter.

the other parent is in the house and interacts with the children, but they are on light duty for the weekend.

EnglishBluebell · 31/05/2024 00:23

Also why on earth will he be getting primary custody? So he gets the child benefit payment?

Original poster
Wanstronian · 31/05/2024 00:23

Usually takes them away when they’re in a mood with me so have the day sat by myself. Always a good excuse though, they need this etc.
Good point about putting pressure on them if not formalised. I’ll be close by and worried they will only come and stay if they’ve had an argument and will go back the next day, making me feel kind of used.

OP posts:
EnglishBluebell · 31/05/2024 00:21

@Wanstronian Have you told him how you feel? That him having them sat & sun means you only ever get to be telling them to do their homework and to get out of bed etc, whilst he gets to be Disney dad?

Wistler · 31/05/2024 00:21

Did they go out with your OH every weekend before you decided on separation? This is a really important point because if it’s a recent thing it’s worrying.

SleepPrettyDarling · 31/05/2024 00:20

Have your teens already expressed a choice to mainly stay with him; it’s not clear what stage of the discussion you are at.

The children are entitled to time and space to have a relationship with you. And you are entitled to time with then. Would you propose mediation?

TimeForTeaAndG · 31/05/2024 00:19

Depending on their ages I would worry that allowing the DC to choose who to spend time with would cause them to worry that they are not spending enough time with one or other of you. Or they'd choose the one they feel least secure with to make sure that parent still loves them (from the DC's perspective).

Formal arrangement means noone has to choose.

I'd be worried that the way things are going your OH is gearing up to be the resident parent.

Treesaregreen1 · 31/05/2024 00:19

those ages are so important (I suppose all are), but teenagers can naturally drift away from parents and id be doing everything I could to ensure I was maximising my time with them.
I absolutely wouldn’t stand for no weekend time.

alcoholnightmare · 31/05/2024 00:18

Did he take them out every weekend before this?
Can't you join them on these days out whilst still in same house?

Mumoftwo1316 · 31/05/2024 00:17

Doesn't sound like he's "keeping it friendly" is he?

Original poster
Wanstronian · 31/05/2024 00:17

I don’t know, but I’m sure there will always be a reason why they are busy. 13 and 15

OP posts:
TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 31/05/2024 00:16

Yes, you absolutely should have a formal arrangement. And don't let the current situation become the norm in the meantime.

How old are the DC?

Treesaregreen1 · 31/05/2024 00:15

That sounds incredibly selfish, is he likely to follow through with that?

How old are the DC?