BPD - does it excuse bad behaviour?

I think there's still a bit of a misconception with Bipolar conditions, even in well-meaning and well-intentioned people, that people with Bipolar diagnoses are either "well", or "ill", when the reality is there can be a whole spectrum of mental states in between.

I've been misdiagnosed with Bipolar II in the past, I work in a mental-health related field, and at the point where I was misdiagnosed I was in contact with even more people with a similar diagnosis than I normally would have been. It's rare to meet two people with a Bipolar diagnosis who experience their symptoms in exactly the same way. I've never been psychotic in my life, yet I still ended up with a Bipolar diagnosis because I experienced almost life-long wild mood swings, everything from almost catatonic depression through to totally disinhibited behaviour and chronic insomnia.

I know when I'm not well my behaviour towards other people is not the same as when I am well and stable. I'm prickly and difficult, I can be acerbic, and I'll sometimes make a point of provoking a fight or an argument for no reason whatsoever. There is no excuse for it, but it is entirely down to my own abnormal mental state. I'm not like that at all when I'm genuinely well. I'm affable, easy-going, and tend to give people more leeway and consideration than they really deserve, but if I'm less than 100% that can change pretty quickly. I doesn't mean I am "ill", I'm possibly just in a slightly depressed state and feeling a bit ill at ease with the world, so that's reflected in how I interact.

It's common on here to mistake "excuse" with "explain", so while I would never suggest it's perfectly acceptable for your friend to behave they way they do, I think it's entirely reasonable to suggest that the Bipolar illness is possibly a factor in explaining their sometimes behaviour, especially if it's not typical for them and doesn't reflect the way they act all of the time.

I'm currently trying to do my best parenting DC1 who is Very nearly 18 and already has a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. Apparently EUPD can't be diagnosed until they an adult but everyone thinks that's it. My child is already on maximum doses of Concerta and Aripiprazole which really helps but DC still has voices in their head. We're doing the transition from CAMHS to adult mental health and tbh it's a bit shit. Equally 12 years of CAMHS didn't help.Any advice anyone has I'd love to hear it. Thank you

Are you sure the don’t have BPD? Just because my sister has a BPD diagnosis and it’s extremely untruthful with it. Telling me she had a completely different condition is definitely something she’d do!

I think this probably varies hugely depending on underlying personality and how sever the condition is at any stage.

My best friend has bipolar disorder. Only very rarely has her behaviour been outrageous and was immediately followed by being sectioned. I've never known her behave badly outside of those occasions and she was so unwell I'd never hold her responsible for her actions. She genuinely had no control at those moments and was in full psychosis.

I've met several people with borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder. I think because it's a surprisingly common diagnosis it's easy to dismiss as less significant. However, it can have a huge impact on someone's life and their relationship with others. I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist but IME it's very often linked to childhood trauma. It's almost like the sufferer reverts to a childlike state when placed in an emotionally challenging situation. We wouldn't expect a child to cope in the same way as an adult so in some ways I don't fall out with being more tolerant to some extent. However, even quite young children know right from wrong so it's not a get out of jail free card. From my limited knowledge it's something that trauma-informed treatment can help with and part of that involves encouraging the person to be empowered to take more control of their life, part of which involves some responsibility.

My grandmother has BPD, she is a lovely woman but she also made mine and my DM’s life absolute hell sometimes. It is so difficult to navigate, if someone else behaved as she has I would cut them off completely, but I try to be as sympathetic as possible and still keep strong boundaries with what I will not tolerate. So I do think it is a reason/explanation for the bad behaviour, but I don’t think people should be expected to put up with it to a certain level.

As I understand it mania is close to or overlaps with psychosis, that being the case she might not always be properly in control of herself?
However it doesn't sound like the classical kind of bipolar disorder so I couldn't really say 🤷🏼‍♀️

No it doesn't it explains their behaviour, but becomes very tedious and you go around and around in circles not for me, life's to short it consumes too much.

It sounds more like borderline than bipolar from the pattern you have described. (Obviously, not diagnosing third hand from the internet!!) bipolar disorder is what used to be called manic depression; it's associated with swings between euphoric highs (mania) and crushing, intense lows and paranoia (depression). Whereas borderline personality disorder is more about a pattern of social interaction which can be very push-pull, the BPD sufferer will experience very intense feelings towards people making them want to spend a lot of time with them, but also obsessing over an anxiety about them leaving and then that can sometimes lead to behaviours where they push people away in order to sort of be in control of the one thing that they fear.

You don't have to accept any treatment which you find upsetting or offensive. You are totally within your rights to cut off any relationship at any time.

That said, It is fairly normal after someone has been diagnosed with a MH condition or disorder for behaviours associated with it to become temporarily worse - this is because most adults who have some kind of diagnosable condition tend to mask or rely heavily on unhealthy coping strategies which may lead to a kind of breaking point which is often what leads them to seek diagnosis in the first place. Then after diagnosis, once you understand why your coping strategies are causing you to struggle so much, there is a process of unlearning those coping strategies in order to create space to learn more healthy and sustainable management techniques, whether that includes medication or behavioural aspects. This can be quite a difficult transition period, and it seems to be worse the longer the person has struggled on with their unhelpful coping strategies, so if you do like the person then it can be helpful to be understanding and patient during this stage.

OTOH, I think it's quite different someone saying "Please bear with me as I'm going through something at the moment, I know I can be quite harsh and I don't mean it" to saying "this is happening because of my mental health condition so if you object to it, you're a bad friend".

You think a serious mental illness should not be excused or tolerated? One of my family is bi polar, she is the governess of her town and is normally an absolutely wonderful person. When going through a manic episode she was convinced her husband was trying to kill her and she stuck a 20 inch kitchen knife through his back. Mil and bil are both bi polar. Mil runs 2 businesses and bil is extremely talented in his field, though he has burnt most bridges with his reputation at this point. Bil at his worst was having vivid hallucinations that people were after him and he was being chased in the street. He only got help after he was seen through his apartment window trying to hang himself and ended up getting sectioned. Mil (who is erratic but one of the most generous person I’ve ever met) got temporarily banned from her own apartment block, as during an episode a neighbour knocked on her door to ask about parking spaces and she smashed a glass in his face. We’re still not sure why. And you think having bi polar is not an excuse for being rude??

No it really doesn't. I watched one friend be slowly eroded by this attitude until she finally escaped but it left its mark on their youngest daughter who is really struggling mentally.

A female friend has bp and another friend is married to a man with bp and neither use their diagnosis like this nor are rude or abusive.

There is a level of unreasonableness. You can't really argue with someone who's really upset with BPD. You have to just kind of agree with them and give them space to calm down and be rational.

From my discussions with people with bpad, sometimes when someone is becoming elevated they can get irritable because it can feel a bit like everyone else is just taking a long time to get things and it’s frustrating. It can increase irritability, a lovely lady I know starts swearing when she’s getting elevated.

If they keep referring to it as BPD maybe they do have Borderline and you've confused it with bipolar?

I'm quite blunt so I'll tell her off in the moment, which can lead to arguments yes... But she eventually cools off and apologises.

She's one of my oldest and best friends, on balance I love her enough to put up with her occasionally being a dick, because 99% of the time she's not, and she's always contrite after she's settled down.

Yes this

Ah ok!

My bipolar friend has her ups and downs, and yes when she's experiencing a manic episode she can say unintentionally hurtful things. I tell her off for it, she apologises (eventually). She's not completely lost her faculties or ability to be decent, her filters are just on low. It's not her fault but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be pulled up on it.