Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

I honestly don't know but this thread has made me pause and think about it. I guess because I understand telling a whiny child to shut up, whilst not OK, does happen when a normally loving parent is feeling completely overwhelmed. I don't think I've explained myself very well either as I am in fact gobby and outspoken and in the example given by the OP I would've turned around in the queue and started a conversation, I wouldn't have left it and my hope would be that it then wouldn't have escalated to the smacking on the plane (which would've seen me straight over letting the parent know that's not ok) in this instance if the parent was happy to act like that in public then I dread to think what those poor children endure behind closed doors.

However I'd hope most parents having the chance to chat to another parent for a couple of minutes who sympathetically says I remember that age is tough for being whiny and squabbling and I would engage the children so in this instance are you excited for the flight? Have you flown before? This would give both parent and children breathing space/distraction and hopefully deescalate the situation. If I went straight in with you're a terrible parent speaking to your children that way etc i don't think that would be helpful to anyone.

Saying something means nothing.
If a patent is verbally abusive, then report them! Can't believe people witness this at hotels,on airplanes etc and do not involve the staff - there is almost always a designated safeguarding lead.
It's what I did after witnessing a mother screaming and swearing intimidatingly at her 9 yr old at the pool. I said to the man, she may be just really stressed or something but it was awful and I felt concerned about the child. He asked me to describe them and reassured me he'd be around for awhile to check on them. I don't know what happened but I do not regret reporting.

All these people saying "Mind your own business. Don't get involved. It's probably just a stressed mum". Seriously?
Firstly, most of us can tell the difference between a stressed mum who's at the end of their tether, snapping at their child and a parent that's just downright abusive. Many of us have witnessed a child being abused in public - I still remember seeing a mum grab her boy of about 5 years old, slam him on the floor of a supermarket and repeatedly kick him calling him a "fucking cunt" over and over again.
I'm sorry but I don't care how stressed she was, how "naughty" he was - that is child abuse plain and simple.
Sometimes you can't be sure, I know but often it's pretty bloody obvious.
I keep thinking of all these children who've been abused and murdered by their parents (Baby P, Arthur Labinjo-Hughes, Star Hobson and thousands of others) and all the people on here, all these mothers saying "Look away, mind your own business". It blows my mind. You think that child abuse doesn't happen?! Or that we should turn away when we see it?

Why is your bar for verbal abuse of children lower than for adults? Should be the other way around imo. There is never an excuse for it. A trigger and a context maybe but they're things the adult needs to be aware of and control. There's never an excuse.

I think that judgement has to be based on your conscience and instinct though and thats primal and strong when it comes to kids if we don't allow ourselves to be conditioned into turning it off and looking the other way. Most of us can instinctively tell when something isn't right in the interaction between a child and adult (it can just be a look, it can be something that's not said or done rather than something that is).

It's better to risk offending a parent or wasting ss/police time than to do nothing and let the abuse of a child continue.

As a victim of abuse/coercive control I agree, however I believe if you start off judgemental you won't get as far than if you don't. However it depends on the circumstances, physical child or adult - straight in with judgement. Towards an adult verbal or physical - straight in with judgement. Towards a child verbal such as shut up or similar - none judgemental whilst I try and assess if the parent is just overwhelmed. Towards a child verbal such as threats of violence - not necessarily judgemental but certainly not as kind. I am the type of person to intervene without thinking first and usually trust my gut reaction on how I go about it but I stand by what I say in that I don't think always going straight in judgemental is always the correct approach

I believe that we are all responsible for looking out for children. If it's OK for people to scream at their kids, it's also ok for another person to come up and challenge them on it. Kids' welfare has to be everyone's business, and like some of the posters mentioned, at the minimum it shows the kid that other adults do not find this OK. I also don't subscribe to this 'mum is overwhelmed, kids can be vile' vibe. Yes you can get overwhelmed and yes they can be, but it's STILL not ok to verbally or physically abuse. Just because they're small and vulnerable does not give them fewer rights than if it it was done to an adult! And everyone has the right to call that out, also in public. I hope we can move more towards a society where there is more support in general and people are looking out for each other and in particular, vulnerable people.

I think the PP has given food for thought with her own experience though. As @WiddlinDiddlin says, drawing attention to the mother might well mean more abuse at home. So perhaps just reporting is the best way.

@Zeroperspective you are absolutely wrong..being judgemental in abusive situations is the RIGHT thing to do. It's never OK. Some people used to act like this about men abusing women (behind closed doors etc... don't interfere in domestics) but we've moved on. Sadly children are still seen as second class citizens so some people in society think we shouldn't judge how they are treated. Well, we should.

Disappointed to see the number of posters saying they’d “have to say something” or they’d “feel so guilty” if they didn’t do anything. It’s not about you!! It’s about getting the best possible outcome for the child/ren in question.

You need some sensible, situation-specific judgment to do that.
Knowing the difference between “not being very nice”, “speaking (imo) a bit harshly” vs actual harm (whether emotional or physical or otherwise).
Not over-generalisations and all-or-nothing thinking (choosing not to intervene is not the same as condoning child abuse!)
Not silly meaningless comparisons like “oh so if you saw a man shouting at a woman, you’d check the man was OK would you”.

By the way OP you could report to SS if you know the seat number on the flight.

And I actually think it's crappy advice to ask the mum if she's okay if she seems like she's abusive. Abusive parents love to feel like the victim and like they've got an excuse (tough day, stress etc) to be abusive.

Im
sorry @WiddlinDiddlin x

If I see someone abusing their child, and that includes emotional abuse, I will say something. I feel too guilty not to. People need to know that it isn't acceptable. Same if I see someone mistreating an animal.

On a day out recently I heard a mum, who was at the top of a bank in the woods with her 2 daughters having a huge go at them, something like “who’s idea was it to come up this fucking bank” (it wasn’t very high up so not sure what the issue was). Her language to them was horrible, but she then shouted to a man who I assume was the father, standing at the bottom to give the girl a smack when she got back down. This sent the girl into hysterics.
I kind of quiet.y muttered please don’t hit her, but I think he heard me and immediately told her he wasn’t going to. I’ve thought about her a lot. I get feeling at your wits end and losing it, but the language and actions seemed familiar to her. Made me quite sad.

This happened to me nearly 2 years ago and didn't say anything and I regret it and often think about the situation and I so wished I had said something 😕.
The parents were horrible to their daughter who was about 4 years old. It happened in the hotel pool early morning. It went on and on. Then same evening we were all on same flight home (12 hours) the couple sat behind us. 4 year old and baby fell asleep almost immediately then 10 hours later woke up which was fine. Then the parents started again at the 4 year old It was horrible. I was sat with my children x2 girls late teens they were horrified my husband and other teenager were on row opposite. People could hear just gave odd glance behind.
What I think about is the way they were talking to their daughter in front of people (which was horrendous) and what they are like with her behind closed doors .....that upsets me more than anything.

So my answer to you is "yes I would say something "

I’m just going off your story!

@Katiemonkey15 I completely agree! His wife had died and he was not a fit parent before she died and he's not a fit parent now!

My conversation with the social worker went like this

'Hi I'd like to report my neighbour, I can hear him screaming at his kid through the wall in my house and the houses are Victorian with a really really thick wall between, I can hear his kid screaming back and it's awful'

'Right and how old is the kid? Because it's not a crime to shout at a teenager'

'He's 5'

'5?! I thought you were going to say 15!!'

I don't care if this is outing, however he took his child on holiday before social services had a chance to talk to him and the travel rep at the hotel in turkey called 2 social service departments in the uk to report his parenting and the travel company refused to let him leave the gate with his child when they came to travel home. On arrival in the uk he was arrested and his child was removed (off to name change )

@CountFucula
I was coming in to say this too. Depending on the age of the child I might tell them it’s not ok to be treated like that and hope they confide in a teacher or other trusted adult.

Gosh @WiddlinDiddlin I'm so sorry for what you went through.

Anyone who sees a child getting hit in a supermarket should report it. There will be cctv. I'm shocked and so sad people didn't more to help you.

I think this depends on context. What sounds harsh will vary, and to be honest if the child was doing something dangerous then I can see why the parent might shout/be stern when correcting them. For example, if the child was about to jump over a barrier at the airport and try running into the airfield, that's quite dangerous and I would expect the parent to pull the child up on that. Obviously not talking about hitting, but in this case "speaking harshly" would make sense.

For just being normal kids and getting spoken to like the devils spawn? Not so much, although I don't think I would intervene as it doesn't necessarily show neglect and could escalate the situation.

My mother was a 'public displays of violence' type... so I was that kid that folk thought 'should I say something'...

If a parent is abusive in their handling/care of their child, you saying something isn't going to improve things unless:

1/You can report something tangible to the police or SS. A location, a car reg, an address.
2/They are actually about to kill the child and you can stop them.

For most people in most instances, neither of the above are true and I can tell you, as the child of that parent, when someone approaches your Mum, mid 'pants down bum smacks' in Asda and says 'is that really necessary'... its TEN x worse when you get home. It's all 'you showed me up in public', smacked arse, smacked face and bed with no dinner, at best.

There were days she'd appear fine in public, but we'd have mucked about (nothing truly awful, we didn't dare! It could be the wrong look or tone of voice)... she'd not say a word. But as soon as we got in the car she'd change, like someone flipping a switch, because we'd drawn attention to ourselves and thus her, but she'd felt she couldn't do anything in public lest someone say something. So then she'd be vile all the way home, ramping it up until we got in the door. Then the first one to open their mouth (usually me) would get a backhander across the face, no matter what it was we were saying!

Abusive parents either do not know how to not be abusive - in which case you saying something does nothing to stop them.

Or, they do not WANT to stop being abusive... in which case you saying something does nothing to stop them.

So if you know where they live or their car reg or you've got video evidence you can hand in... report it (please do, there were SO many people who knew something and could have made a meaningful report and didn't and at 44 I am still angry that they didn't!)... but otherwise, don't.

Exactly.

Absolutely ridiculous now parents can't even tell of their children too much in public.

I'm just curious @BoxFoxSocks did you ask any of the children at any point if they were OK or just the mum?