Best way to intervene when you see a parent not being very nice to their child

i don’t think it’s below the belt, no.

if someone I knew was behaving this way - and you’re saying the whole family is joining in - I would report it and let the professionals decide.

@amijustbeingsuspicious (edited. It's such a difficult subject for me that I overreacted and over explaind myself to someone who went below the belt)

This is probably how all the family members of the infants murdered in lockdown felt. They all knew and saw what was happening and no one said anything.

this is one of the saddest threads I’ve seen on here.

But it’s not going to achieve anything. She probably knows she is speaking harshly to them, and you saying something to her might clear your conscience, but doubtful she will change her behaviour on the back of what you say. If she was screaming at them or hitting them, fair enough, but you can’t really have a go at someone you consider to be speaking harshly to their children.

@BurbageBrook this is the thing. She said it but her husband is just as guilty by tolerating it. He's enabling her.

I used to see my father as the nice guy, but will never forget the moment I understood he basically fed me to the wolves by watching it all. I have been repulsed by him since that moment.

The cycle is repeating itself. No SS will remove a child because someone reports a couple of incidents of emotional abuse and the parents won't change miraculously. Obv it's not just these two incidents, it's day in day out with subtle but damaging emotional abuse and probably a lot of incidents I haven't witnessed.

@Abitboring I guess it might be different if you're not in the UK. I think it's really nice you are trying to support your niece how you can, anyway..such a shame your SIL is such a piece of shit.

Just harsly speaking not good, but just that, I would not bother as I don't know what the kid did or not - in other circumstance I may call the police

I was once in B&M. A little boy of about 5 was walking in front of his 'daddy' who looked like he was ready to beat 10 shades of shit out of anyone who looked at him. The little boy asked his 'daddy' if they could look at the toys, his dad told him he could go and have a look all he wanted but, and I quote, 'you're getting fuck all you thick cunt'. Now, I had three choices, I could either 1) find the heaviest item in the shop and whack this hateful nasty spineless wanker round the head - unwise as he might take it out on the little boy at home. 2) Tell him verbally exactly what I thought of him and what his words would do to this beautiful little boy - this could result in the same outcome as option one and he was too stupid to even take on board what I said. 3) Leave well alone being I was with my own baby in a pram. I went with a different option, while the little boy was looking at the toys that he wasn't going to get and his dad was off looking at something he probably would get, I bobbed down and told that little boy that he wasn't thick, he should never believe he is despite what he might be told, that he was special and I told him I loved his George Pig tshirt (that didn't fit him and hadn't seen a washing machine in its existence) and that I wish I had one just like it. I was rewarded with the shyest but loveliest smile and then I walked away.

I wish we could take these children away immediately but we can't and we have to be careful that we don't put them in more potential danger than they might already be in.

@BurbageBrook it's okay. I can live with that. What would you think would have happened? It's not in the UK also. I have my own childhood experience with this and hope I am doing the right thing for my niece.

@amijustbeingsuspicious it is. It still pains me. I thought about it for a very long time and it messed with me, but a child wouldn't have been removed for something that was said for which there is no evidence. It's in another country too. They would most likely have cut me off and the emotional abuse continued without the chance for my niece to have a normal person in her life.

Took me many years to become a healthy person after an abusive childhood. I often wondered why nobody stood up to my mother, why nobody ever spoke out, but I understood it wouldn't have changed my life for the better. I also wondered why no aunt or uncle took an interest in me. Why nobody cared. So I have decided to model being a safe person for my niece where her feelings are valid, she's loved unconditionally and doesn't get threatened or shamed. I believe it benefits her more.

I hear you. I was slapped in the face, bitten, had my hair pulled and was pushed and shoved in public if my mother felt it necessary. You can imagine what it was like at home. I wish someone had intervened on my behalf.

@AAbitboring honestly you should have reported... I'm quite horrified that you didn't.

Yup it's the same as if you challenge a man who is being awful to his gf in public, she will get beaten for that embarrassment to him later

Are you and people discussing parents shouting at children for reasons such as safety being serious?!

read the fucking thread. There is legitimate and clear abuse on here eg kicking children and threatening to kill them.

Sorry this is horrendous you should have reported long ago and you should report now.

This. Definitely Best advice in the moment.

My wife was smacked by her mum in public. Somebody decided to say something to her mother, so her mum gave the woman a mouthful and gave my wife another smack as a Fuck You to the busybody.

🤷‍♀️

The shop workers intervened but I'm sure she just continued the abuse at home.

Keep your nose out. You don't know the full story, the woman could have been at the end of her tether. A few more parents admonishing their children for poor behaviour would make the world a much better place

OP, you have received all the responses. You would try to help, but ultimately one stranger speaking up wouldn't improve the children's lives.

My SIL threatened my niece as a 4 year old with 'i break you both legs' or 'ill throw you off the balcony'. I tried to speak to my brother about it, her husband, but got shut down. I felt so sorry for her and still do. I even considered involving social services as I was just heartbroken that she'd experience such abuse, but there is no evidence and SS likely have more obvious cases to deal with.

She's still being abused emotionally, in my opinion by the entire family. I really have to try hard to ignore any incidents I witness. Instead I try to be a listening ear and comfort her and validate her experience whenever she gets so upset by the things said to her.

It's very hard but I hope something will stick for her. I hope she'll later have memories that not all people are like that and she's allowed to be herself etc. I had no role model like that and it took me a long time to see what a good way to be treated looks like.

With strangers I have to gloss over it. I have accepted that I cannot help those children. Instead of telling off the parents I just look at the kids and wish I could do something nice for them.

I'm with you. I once saw the opposite and the kid (3-4) tore off and the parent didn't yell. I think the dad was afraid to in front of us. He barely ran as he kid approached the street! Just called as if it were dinner time. I'd have taken off yelling and tackled him if it were mine. Better that than a car fgs!

This is horrendous - did you report this?!

No one is saying we should ignore child abuse. What we are saying is, if all you're going to do is verbally pass judgement, don't bother! Because chances are the kid will suffer for it.

If you have evidence to provide to the relevant authorities, absolutely do that. But berating the parent isn't helping. I didn't need adults pointing out I was being abused. I wasn't stupid. I had friends who had "normal" parents so I saw how life should have been. I needed actual help. Someone embarrassing my parent in front of me, for which I'd get the blame, wasn't help.

All some of us are saying is, if you can't do anything practical then keep your guilty feelings to yourself because you'll just do more harm than good. Don't let a child suffer more just to make you feel better.

Don't get me wrong, if you can make a report to someone, if there is video evidence, cctv, a car reg number etc... and you're worried, do so, please.

But saying something directly to the parent is rarely going to be useful and highly likely to make matters worse.

In my case, CCTV wasn't a thing, twas the good ole 80's, anyone reporting my Mum in the middle of Asda would have likely achieved nothing, even if the police had been interested (highly unlikely unless she was actively murdering one of us) as there would have been no proof at all.

We feel guilty when we don't say something because we don't like to think we condone whatever that other person is doing, and by not saying something it seems like we do, like we're complicit in it. But if you're just saying something to make yourself feel better that 'I did something, because I am a good person'... and that act actually makes matters worse for the child?.. Mmm.

SO yeah... don't say something. Do something. Report it if you can.

I’ve got tears bubbling to the surface just thinking about this. At Disneyworld I saw a big woman smacking a tiny girl, and screaming and swearing at her, looked about 3-4. There were lots of adults in the group and a couple of small girls. I was alone with my own children and went to find a ‘cast member’ and asked them to radio for support or something, because a woman was screaming at and hitting her small child. They were like right ok… what? I just kept repeating myself and was getting very stressed and upset. The staff were just like what are you on about? Spanking is perfectly normal and legal in the state of Florida. It’s discipline.

On balance, with an understanding of abusers and knowing me saying something will make it worse for the child, and having to think of a load of huge aggressive adults around my own small kids and me being entirely alone with them. I left it. It plagues me to this day and not sure what I should have done differently to get a good outcome. People who hit their children and scream obscenities at them are fucking broken and need serious help. Who in their right mind can justify it I have no idea.