I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

Not the best turn of phrase, and there is a threat in there. How harmful it is, is based on your child's experience of physical punishment and if granny is scary .,Possibly it doesn't matter in the scheme of things if you know that actually she wouldn't hit him and he wasn't scared he would be. But you need to stop his hitting of the baby PDQ. Move on from the comment which as an empty threat is ineffectual anyway.

Toddler needs to be firmly told no and heavily supervised near baby in the meantime.

Clumsy wording maybe, but gran did nothing wrong.

How old is your toddler?

I worry that you seem more concerned about your toddler "feeling threatened" and don't seem to be horrified that your completely defenceless newborn baby is regularly hit by a much bigger, scarier person for them.

How can you write that this happens regularly ("the toddler has form for it") without a hint of shame, and then on the next breath rant against your DM protecting your newborn baby? Is a supposed "threat" worse than a baby actually being assaulted? The baby must feel terrified!

Gentle parenting and a wolly "don't do that darling" isn't going to help when your toddler really whacks and hurts the baby.

Your mums response to my mind was spot on.

And it sounds like you can't turn your back, your toddler knew you couldn't stop them in that moment, so needs pretty firm boundaries.

I haven’t voted because you are BOTH being unreasonable.

I think it did sound like a threat, but doesn’t matter as I don’t think a 2 year old would understand that tbh. Language is a bit too complex there.

Consequences need to be simple, firm and whenever possible, immediate.

eg if you hit baby sibling, no tv, no treats, this toy goes away or whatever is appropriate for your child. And a very firm NO.

The issue here is that neither of you are dealing with it properly. I know you said you don’t want advice on it, but it is linked to your original question.

This thread is weird. "Do you need to see what that feels like" is clearly a threat like "Do you need a smacked bottom" is a threat. Everything else people are saying might be (probably is) true: that the OP should've prevented the hitting or stopped it sooner, that it was clumsy wording and unintentional, that the toddler won't have understood it as a threat, that it's unimportant compared to the hitting, that OP unnecessarily alienated her DM when she was helping, that OP isn't protecting her helpless baby enough, or all of the other stuff. But it's so obviously an indirect threat, if you just judge it by the standards of normal conversational English you've heard all your life. It doesn't undermine any of the other points to accept that, intentional or not, that phrasing implies a threat to show the toddler what it feels like to be hit.

Yea . Turning a blind eye there .

Well if it doesn’t matter what other people think then why did she come on here asking? She obviously does care what they think and she has found out by the majority she is overreacting and needs to focus on her toddler hitting the baby more !

If your toddler is developmentally unable to understand not to hit a baby then she's not going to understand what your mum meant by that comment. That takes understanding the context behind the basic meaning.

I think the Op's p.s.- ' PS. not looking for advice on the hitting please '
is quite telling on the whole incident.

I think the bigger issue is to stop the toddler to hit the baby. You are also not able to see from the point of view of baby who is completely dependant and strapped in the buggy, can't run, can't hit back, so baby is more vulnerable than toddler.

I don't think your mum is wrong here. She didn't threaten the toddler.

Well whatever your method is to stop your toddler hitting the baby isn’t working is it?

You seriously need to do something about it before the baby is badly harmed. Stop being so wet.

I’m with your mum

A 2yr old wouldn't see that as a threat.
Your mum was observing/stating that toddler has been told its wrong, but doesn't understand why it's wrong because has no concept of being hit.

I do think you are making excuses for and overcompensating for your toddler which is not helping the hitting....and it needs to stop.
From experience, with biting, sometimes the only thing that stops it is the child finding out what it feels like...from another child

I’m with your mum on this. Your precious toddler needs to learn not to hit a baby, how would you feel if a bigger child got your toddler and the mum had the same attitude as you. Stop making excuses for your toddler not being very nice.

Why are you allowing your baby to be hit by your toddler? That's abject neglect. By the time it's happened twice despite your reaction (& punishment) to the first time, I'd be keeping the toddler away from the baby long term/never allowing her to be a closer distance to the baby than you are. You put steps in place to PREVENT this happening. What if next time it's harder and leaves a bruise? What if your toddler decides to stick her finger in the baby's soft spot on their head?

OPs mother stops toddler hitting baby after OP doesn't seem to have found an effective way of stopping it.
Then we get this? Wow. Some people are bonkers!

Can't put it better than this.

YABU. If she’d said “hit baby again and I’ll whack you” then yes she has threatened. Asking the toddler whether she needs to understand how it feels is not a threat, it’s a “how would you like it?” thing.

Someone needs to stand up for the poor baby. Toddler must be told in no uncertain terms that hitting the baby is not ok. This shouldn’t be a work in progress, it should be sorted quickly. If that requires shocking toddler with a shout, then so be it.

So, what did you do with your daughter after you removed her to stop her hitting the baby? Or did you switch your attention solely to your mother and let your daughter away with hitting the baby?

Hitting a baby should never ever become something that a toddler "has form for". What if she picks up something and decides to hit the baby with it because she's tired, or overwhelmed?

You have a difficult relationship with your mother. Don't let that distract from the fact that you are not dealing with your toddler directly enough.

Whether or not you want to view it as a threat - she didn't hit your toddler - however your toddler is repeatedly hitting your baby. You say "you're working on it" - meanwhile, that poor baby is being repeatedly traumatised, and that traumatic wiring will affect it throughout the rest of its life.

This grandmother will continue to emotionally abuse other people.

So, you're also cool with a baby being physically abused?

How long does the baby have to endure being hit while you work on the toddler's behaviour?

Absolutely this.

@Howbizarre22 it depends how ingrained it is and if the adults behaviour is part of a bigger problem. The bigger problem exists the way the OP has described her mother. This grandmother will continue to emotionally abuse other people.