I think mum threatened toddler, she doesn't, AIBU?

I think I agree with this.

Toddler's do go through a hitting phase.

I'd also ask why couldn't the Mum just have done what the OP did, scoop the toddler up and away from the baby.

"I heard her say 'do you need to see what that feels like?'"

That's the same as saying "If you don't stop I will do the same to you." That is not just clumsy wording.

Just wondering if the reason this is causing alarm is that this is not the first time that the Mum has said things along those lines. They have different parenting styles. Its often difficult to manage toddlers when there is a new baby in the house and its unhelpful when relatives come along and give out the message "Baby good. Toddler bad"

I had a relative who told my toddler who was happily pulling off his socks in the pushchair that if he did that nasty wasps would come and sting his feet. Tears ensued. Wasps were not going to sting his feet, but it was still a threat.

I think you will just have to manage this OP with tolerance for your Mum, plus a close eye on your toddler and the baby for a while. I think you were right to remove the toddler and talk to them about it without escalating it.

Exactly.

Oh but surely both you and your sister are scarred for life!!!! 🙄

Your mum sounds old school, I like old school. I remember a story of me nipping my mum. She nipped me back, I never did it again. I remember my sister hitting out and got a 3 strikes and you’re out warning. She kept hitting and copped a slapped hand. Sounds like you could do with a few pointers off your mum, she sounds like she knows what she’s doing.

Teaching a toddler a firm No is a necessary lesson. As long as there was no physical action on your Mums part, I think I'd let it go.

My greater fear is a seriously hurt baby after the toddler escalates to cracking the baby with some implement or other.

Quite.
OP is getting her arse handed to her on a plate so hopefully she will take note and inprove her parenting skills a bit (before she has two badly behaved children on her hands)

@HcbSS or 'kind hands darling' whilst the kid is beating the crap
Out of the baby

Hopefully the OP has by now got the message that her mother is a more effective parent than she is.

You saw it as a threat, which is all that counts. You don't need your mother's validation in order to believe this. She's supposed to respect your boundaries even if she doesn't agree.

No.Any responsible adult would see their duty lies in protecting a defenceless baby, rather than maintaining the ineffectual mum's boundaries.

I find it interesting that you only dropped what you were doing when your mother spoke to your Toddler not when the toddler started hitting the baby. You may need to look at your priorities.

Her Mum is protecting the BABY'S boundaries.

At two years old removing the child followed up with a brisk firm NO will serve better than any thinking exercise far beyond the capability of a two year old

Think the op has flounced as she got told she was wrong. Didn’t like it one bit.

We don’t always word things perfectly in heat of moment. Granny sees baby about to be hit by toddler (again) which is a danger like running in road.
Rather than picking mum up in her words not being spot on you need to look at why toddler was able to hit baby again.
A previous poster mentioned putting toddler in playpen. Other option is putting baby in a carrycot pram that toddler can’t reach in.
You are the parent. You need to be steps ahead. So stop toddler having access to the baby or if not possible be much more vigilant - why let toddler stroke baby unless you are right there and all attention on them when you know baby is likely to be hit.

It's a bit disingenuous to ask posters to only comment on your mother and not on the situation that caused your mother to say what she said.

Also, depending on how old your toddler is they won't have actually understood the language anyway so your toddler would have not felt any threat. Whereas your baby absolutely felt physically hurt.

The fact that you are trying to ignore the behaviour that caused your mother to react while trying to paint your mother as a villain means you are on a path to setting your daughter up to go through life behaving as she pleases while you blame these around her for not reacting "gently" enough to her.

Nip this in the bud or in a few years you might actually be wishing you took your mother's advice and were sterner. You are the boss in your house. Not a toddler. You are the one who needs to show that when you say "No" or "stop" that the child knows without any doubt that that means "No" or "Stop". Otherwise you're just wasting your time.

Agree with the pp who said you are viewing it from your toddlers side- them feeling frustrated at the crying baby etc.

You need to think about baby’s feelings, shock, pain etc. also you need to think about toddlers processing. Baby is irritating me, mummy is busy, I hit baby, mummy comes and gives me attention, baby is left, I win precious resources, ie mummy’s time. it worked, so it will happen again.

Wheras poor baby, who sounds like they were already crying is learning, if I am in pain, discomfort, hungry and I cry for help I will get hurt. Then I will be abandoned by my main care giver, whilst the person who hurt me is given attention. Only all of this will
be going on preverbally for them, and as a result will be very difficult to unpick later.

Go to baby, comfort baby, let toddler hear and see you soothing the focus or their rage acknowledging that it hurt. Then turn to your toddler and very firmly in face and voice say “no hitting”. Continue to smooth baby then spend some quality time with the both of them to repair the rift.

Maybe it is a threat. But maybe the toddler needs the threat of something stronger than "we're working on it" in order to stop her physically hurting a baby.

Oh I definitely agree that OP is focussing on the wrong thing, and there needs to be some much more proactive prevention and much firmer management of the behaviour.

But I think that, since what was said was so obviously (to me, at least) an example of a common form of threat, the message is more likely to get through if that's acknowledged, but set aside as probably unimportant. If I was OP, all the posts saying "of course it's not a threat, it's the same as saying how would you like it" would just make me feel like doubling down on why it's a threat, rather than engaging with the parts saying that other things are far more important.

Most posts on here saying it wasn’t a threat but could have been worded better!! Well she should apologise and acknowledge she could have worded it better. It was threat, whether your toddler understood that or not is not clear or relevant. I wouldn’t end the relationship with your mum over it personally but if it’s final straw then only you can decide that.

Do you ever see an occasion where you would shout at your toddler in order to stop her doing something dangerous?

If she was about to run out onto the road in front of a car?
If she was about to put her hand on a burning hob?

Sometimes it is necessary to raise your voice and give your child a fright. It is not going to scar them for life occasionally being scolded. You are doing her, and more importantly your baby, no favours by being wishy washy about this. Even your reaction to this incident was to move the baby out of the way not actually deal with the toddler directly.

You need to change your approach. No more "working on it". Just deal with it.

The issue with your mother is a side distraction. Deal with the real issue.

Maybe it is a threat. But maybe the toddler needs the threat of something stronger than "we're working on it" in order to stop her physically hurting a baby.

@Originalusername89 you knew your toddler was hitting your baby and didn't immediately stop what you were doing to go to her. You waited until your mother said something to then stop what you were doing and have a go at your mother.

You are really focussing on the wrong thing here. You are so blinkered by your strained relationship with your mother that you can't recognise the real problem. People might say you are both wrong. In this situation you are the one who is more wrong.

The baby should not be placed in a position where their sibling can hit them again - there is no excuse for them to be hit knowing the toddler is a hitter! that would be pretty poor parenting!

You were able to drop what you were doing when you didn't like what your mother was doing but not when your toddler was hitting your baby. I think your priorities are wrong.

Another bloody 'gentle parent' 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ God help you OP when your 'gently parented' child starts school...they're in for a world of hurt!

Ps if your immobile baby ends up with bruises you could find yourself under scrutiny and saying your toddler did it in a casual way won't be the best response.