To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

It should be that the shame and lack of dignity is directed to the non resident parent that won't pay or fiddles it so they pay a pittance towards their child that is being looked after by the main carer.

There is no shame in demanding funds from the man you made a child with, he should be ashamed that he has been caught lacking so poorly you've had to ask ( not beg ask ) He should be shamed by everyone around him, the fact he is not tells you about who runs our society still.

She's not getting that though. He only covers half of the childcare costs in total.

Agree with this post ^ Sorry OP

More fool you. You're putting your pride above your child's money.

£7 a week is an embarrassment I agree, but save it and you can hand your future 18yo £6.5K to get them started in life.

So he's contributing half nursery fees, nothing towards housing, clothing, feeding or transport for the child, nor is he providing any caring responsibilities for his child. Of course he's a pig. Sorry OP. Mums are s-heros imo, your DC will realise this one day. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry now- you should and we should be angry with the society that enables this.

Well he totally over reacted. I would have responded to him 'a simple no would have been fine'

I really think it depends on how much money he has and whether he can afford it. Yes his response was shitty but maybe he's stressed about money?
If he's actually comfortably off then of course, that's a different matter.
I'm no expert but I thought the CM payments were based on what the dad can afford? So if he's already paying more than the CM calculated maybe he can't afford more.
Even if you think you know his financial situation it's possible he has money pressures you don't know about.
Just to add, we taught our kids to swim to save money. If it's not jointly affordable then there's always that option.

His legal obligation and his moral obligation are very different. I think morally and physically he so ve doing much more.

Exactly this. The mum is expected to spend every last penny of her money on the children. God forbid that she spend £25 of her wages getting her nails done. Of course it’s the ex partner who assumes he’s paying for that, completely forgetting that what he pays goes nowhere near meeting 50% of the child’s expenses, because a calculator tells him that he’s a wonderful and responsible parent for paying his £7 a week. The men who do this are utterly shit.

I'm not speaking for the op I would go through cm if he earned a decent amount so it's not about not taking money for me it's about not begging my ex for money as ops ex is a HE no reason she can't go through cms if it's more. And people have questioned why I no longer ask my ex for money so I've answered.

@Henry888

Mumofteenandtween
So you pay:-

To house ds
To feed ds
To clothe ds
Every other thing that ds needs or wants at all times
Half the childcare

He pays:-
Half the childcare

@Mumofteenandtween

yep. And he’s said that he pays that to enable ME to work

Have you pointed the above out to him? Clearly and simply?

Isn’t it a bloody good job that the OP is not also consulting the calculator based on her own salary and informing her child a week or so into the month that she’d used up that month’s obliged payment on new school shoes, but that she’s prepared to continue throwing her the odd crust of bread and letting her watch CBeebies as ‘a gesture of goodwill’?

This is an interesting take and one my sil shares. She also speaks ill of women who dare take money from a man. She would take it if offered though or she could go through CMS. She has no more dignity than a woman who receives thousands from her children's father. She says stuff about keeping her dignity because it's less embarrassing than admitting that he doesn't want to give her anything and is a shit dad (not saying this is why you do).
The OP is absolutely in the right to ask for this money. He does NOTHING else. Good on her for trying to hold him to some sort of standard.
Let's not tell her she should be grateful for the money he does provide because its plenty eh?

Can you afford to pay for the lessons and do you want to (or would you rather pay for something else)?. If you can't pay or it's not a high priority for you don't do the lessons

Having said that swimming is a vital life skill so worth prioritising over other things just for age around age 4 to 7 until they can swim confidently- unless school had a year or two of weekly lessons.

Edit Have just seen DC is a toddler so I would wait until age 4 or 5 when they mostly learn to swim.

Most recent data shows that:
Average earnings by age and gender

• Men earn more than women for full-time work in every age range


• The gender pay gap was 7.7% in April 2023* (down slightly from 8.3% in April 2022)


• There remains a large difference in the gender pay gap between employees aged between 30 and 59


• Compared with lower-paid employees, higher earners experience a much larger difference in hourly pay between the sexes.

The minimum expected is shit. And we all know it. And a "gesture of goodwill"? Quite frankly, you'd think that a man would want his children to live a comfortable and happy life. But too often, if the woman dares to go to the pub, have her hair done or go on a holiday the attitude is, "well, why should i pay for her to do these things". The irony of the man saying this while on his 6th pint in the pub on a mates golfing holiday to spain is never, of course, noticed.

Ah ok I misunderstood your original post. In that case then yes yours points valid.

Oh I totally get that! What a shit situation though, it's insane that he's only expected to pay £7 a week. The system is so messed up.

he is enabling me to go to work by paying half.

And you are enabling your Ex to go to work by paying the other half.
What he says is very sexist. Hopefully his actions by paying half will keep on being better than that.

It shouldn't be the case that the man is the significantly higher earner these days. I would say it probably was historically but not for the younger women these days

As hard as it is his legal obligation is CMS only and not even the half the nursery so to some extent its great he agreed to pay that half too. So whilst you can but ask he is legally entitled to say no because his half share is deemed to be covered in the maintenance when the reality is we knkw it often doesn't cover their half of expenses.

It's not about gratitude it's about what is an obligation and what is extra. The CMS calculator will tell you the minimum expected, anything on top is a gesture of goodwill.

Yes the fact that there's nothing I could do about it because through the cms he is only made to pay £7 a week. I'm not going to beg him for money if that's what you are suggesting? I will hold my head high and not let him think I would beg him for money I have more dignity than that as if I would ever beg him for money he wouldn't get the satisfaction of thinking I needed his money.

Itseems that a load of men just really aren't that arsed about their own kids - certainly not if it eats into their own money/standard of living. I found it hard to get my head round, but increasingly I just don't think men care about their kids the same way women do. (This may draw some fire but let's face it the number of posts on MN about shit dads and dads dodging childcare, not to mention the fact that I've first hand experience of it myself, does strongly support my case here).

Sadly, I see lots and lots of threads in which the view is if he pays CMS, then that's it, she should be grateful. Particlarly frustrating considering how often theman is the significantly higher earner.