To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

Oh and he also very kindly does loads of cleaning about once a month when he visits, as he knows I'm rubbish at it and exhausted after work! :)

I can't read so many comments suggesting a mother just be grateful for an underwhelming, piddling bit of child support without offering an example of what a good dad looks like, in my ex.

My ex has a severe mental health condition, so on paper/according to prejudice and stereotypes might look like a poor choice of mate. He is my ex because I did find it difficult to be his carer as well as a new mother and we argued a lot.

Now we're separated and co-parenting we get on much better.

He's not expected to pay maintenance because he's on disability benefits. He gives me £15 a week towards expenses nevertheless. He also pays, when and what he can, towards clothes, toys, school stuff, music lessons, sports/activities, haircuts, you name it. He's unable to travel, so I take DC on holidays and day trips...ex gives DC spending money for these and sometimes (if I need it) pays towards train fares, plus towards accommodation for holidays.

He looks after DC one evening a week when I'm working late and, depending on his health, two out of three weekends.

We have to be flexible, because his illness fluctuates, but we work round each other's situations to do what's best for DC.

If one of us is short of money the other pays extra (e.g. when ex's p.i.p. application got mixed up, I paid for things while helping him find an advocate etc.).

I think this is what we should be expecting as a basic, given standard from all exes (obviously depending on what they can afford).

It's ridiculous that so many men who don't have the difficulties and disadvantages my ex has in life refuse to care for their children. They should be ashamed of themselves.

"Well that's very good of you to pay to allow me to work so that I can pay for everything for our child."

I have 4 children it's not for 1 child so it's more like £1,75 a week I'm happy not to claim that it's a packet of crisps a week!

I'm happy to be a fool and not claim £7 a week and for your information he didn't have to pay it as he was in debts so they couldn't take the money off him so I closed the claim.

why comment if you can't be arsed to read the whole thread?

a lot of posters are assuming that this prince among men is paying child maintenance every month PLUS an extra £800 towards the nursery fees.

but from what the OP's told us, he's actually only contributing around 40% of the cost of the nursery (i.e. around £650/month) and nothing else.
at all....
and it sounds like he doesn't actually take any responsibility for anything else to do with raising this toddler - if the child's too ill to go to nursery, i bet it's his mum who has to take time off work to look after them.

if you use the CMS calculator, how much does it say he should be paying, as a minimum? it would be wise to think about how/when to ask for this, as he is sounding like the sort of man whose contribution mght suddenly drop to zero when the child starts school (no nursery fees any more, you see)

Just read your update that he’s increased maintenance to cover more of the nursery fees.

Whilst I still think you’re in a better position than most (not that that’s right as women seem to get the short end of the stick with maintenance and childcare costs), I think he should offer to contribute towards the swimming lessons

Does his maintenance money not cover swimming lessons etc though? Especially if he’s paying towards nursery fees on top of maintenance?

It sounds like you’re in a pretty fortunate position if that is the case.

So yes u30 seems to be where it isn't which is progress. And going forward should even itself out more.

I agree with you.

I have found out that my STBEH is refusing to give the children we have at university any money over the summer and then from next term will be giving one child nothing and the other, less. He lives with mummy so doesn't even buy his own food. He's done a lot that makes me despise him but I can't believe how he's treating the kids.

The child is both yours. He needs to pay half of everything it costs to bring up the child. Maybe ask him for 125k now as apparently it costs 1/2 million up to aged 18. Maybe a few quid for a vital life skill suddenly won't seem so bad.

These are the type of men who tell potential new gfs what great dads they are.

He doesn’t even have his own child overnight and only pays for half of his nursery fees and he’s implying you’re a money grabber!

So he’d rather his child didn’t have swimming lessons just because you don’t want to pay all of it by yourself.

Im not surprised he’s an ex.

Don’t tell him about the swimming lessons (I would pay for them just don’t tell him) and stop having so much contact with him.

If he wants to be involved then he can see his child more and if he wants him to learn to swim then he’ll have to take him himself.

Swimming lessons are one of the most important things for a child to learn and not cheap.

He shouldn't begrudge paying and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

@Busbusbusbusbus

That £7 a week that won’t buy you anything, adds up to £364 a year or £6552 over 18 years. Imagine giving that as a lump sum to your child when s/he turns 18?

I think you’re absolutely crackers to not be pursuing him for it. Also, if his wages go up, you could receive a higher payment.

When I split up with my cheating ex (no kids thankfully), I made him sign over the house to me as I could afford to pay the mortgage by myself. We weren’t married and there’s no way I’d ever let a man get the better of me.

What's his earnings? £800 for one child is a lot....(I know you shouldn't compare but I get £350 and that's for 3 with monthly childcare bills that top £2k plus as I have twins)

Whether we think it's right or not the CMS has a calculator which suggests what should be paid....he's paying more....so adding toddler swimming classes on top is going to elicit a response from him

Their DC lives with OP. Not the ex.

Why does he live with you?

Yes, and it might be less than he’s paying now.

It's amazing how, when you scratch the surface of many 'modern' men, you find that they think childcare and homemaking are women's work and are all that women are good for really.

^

This with bells on

Am I getting this right? Your ex pays close to half the £1600, so around £800, which go to pay nursery fees. All of it. He does not contribute to care for his child overnight. So all taking to nursery, collecting, feeding falls on you. You say he does not contribute to your DSC other expenses, like clothes, stationary, shoes ( what about toys?)
Well, if what I understood is the right thing, I cannot fanthom why some people are saying that you already take quite a lot and not to ask for more. He should be paying for half of everything. Also, bonding with DC, but maybe it is better if he does not IYKWIM. That is, if he can afford it. But definitively, you are right to ask and he should be mature enough to either pay for his child lessons (half) or let you know politely he cannot. But he is an idiot!

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

Really? A father should be happy and willing to pay for his child's swimming lessons which are a life saver and brings much joy.

Hes paying £800 pcm for 1 child, is that correct?

Sorry have just read he doesn’t pay. Does dc live with you? Surely he needs to lay a percentage from his salary for child maintenance? You need more than half the cost of swimming lessons.

When I was a single parent, I paid for the children’s activities from child maintenance and my own money. I didn’t ask for more-isn’t that what child maintenance is for?

Do you receive child benefit or UC ?