To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

@PurpleBugz I'm so sorry you find yourself in that position. That makes me so angry on your behalf. You deserve all the support, yet aren't getting any. we as a society don't care about women at all. We're so so far from being equal with men it's hard to believe.

I'm sending you lots of love, I hope that's not too weird for you. ❤️

@Takenoprisoner
"Men who don't have their dc overnights should be prosecuted for neglect, as should absent fathers. But that will never happen because society sees childrearing as a women's work."

I have a disabled child with no school place and needs so high no childcare will take him. I've had no choice but to give up work. Desperate for help I asked my son's social worker if he could put some pressure on ex to give me a break- I wasn't even asking for long term just a break because I was drowning. Social worker said they couldn't really as dad works and it would be inconvenient for him. Ex works part time he would even have to take parental leave to give me a break, although as a parent he could have taken leave i happen to know his company pay full pay for a certain amount. Also ex can't be expected to visit any potential schools as he works but he gets equal say to me on which school to choose should we ever find a school that could meet need. Ive literally lost everything to care for this child. The inequality in expectations between the sexes is just staggering

Child support in UK is extremely low compared to other countries and doesn't take into account individual cost of raising a child.
The whole system was built on assumption that a mother would go on benefits and priority should be given to the father being able to move on.

Is it through CMS?

Is it correct?

Oh he's absolutely in the wrong but I was answering the poster.

He's clearly a twat.

There can be another side to this! My DH has 3 children with his ex. He pays a reasonable amount of maintenance, half the mortgage on their family home, rent for us, plus half to all the extras his ex asks him for.
He wants to have the children 50% of the time but his ex won’t let him and keeps it at 5-6 nights a fortnight unless she has plans and then she is happy for him to have them extra. He takes them on holiday every year and tries his best to be a good dad.
Under CMS he would need to pay his ex approx 1.2k a month, is 2.4k per month really needed for 3 children? The CMS calculator is purely based on what the non resident parent earns not what a child needs so yes often the amount can be woefully low, but equally can be a ridiculous amount that covers a lot more than 50% child costs. The whole system needs over hauling to be fairer to all. Dads deserve to move on with their lives too.

That's fair enough. I'm sure your children will appreciate everything you do to support them even though they have one useless parent. X

Personally, I would pay for the swim class without asking for half.

And you just allowed that? Unbelievable

Add in all the physical, practical and emotional hard work of parenting, the mental load, all the gruntwork, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, stressing, worrying, arranging of appointments, taking time off for sicknesses/appointments, the toll on your own physical and mental health, the being on call 24/7, the impact on your career prospects, and social life.....

When you don't have an involved coparent, ie, one not doing an equal share of parenting, their maintenance is never going to be anything other than a drop in the ocean. Someone needs to cost how much single parents actual do do, and bill the non resident parent accordingly.

Men who don't have their dc overnights should be prosecuted for neglect, as should absent fathers. But that will never happen because society sees childrearing as a women's work.

We’ll what a twat!

Rubbish

I am not-so-silently seething for you here. What an arse! You just know he’s going to relish telling your kid that he paid ‘more than he had to’ because he’s such a great dad, as the kid gets older.

I don’t have children, I have DSC and my DH and I have them 50%.

I truly believe Child Maintenance should cover 50% of nursery fees to allow both parents to work. It’s a fucking joke that any RP gets basic maintenance and means men people like your ex think they’re legends for covering childcare when they don’t even have to think about it. Fucking outrageous.

Wasn't the child support amount and terms specified in your divorce agreement?

Sadly this is true.

It sounds like he resents supporting you, and this what he thinks he's doing. He pays half the nursery fees so that you can work? He doesn't see any of this as him supporting his child, he thinks he's doing you a favour. Jeeze, what a dick.

I know it’s not fair, but a non-resident parent only has to pay the maintenance set out by calculator, not half of all living costs.
I’m a single mum of twins, the monthly amount I get didn’t even cover one of their nursery.
Am not saying it’s not unfair, or that it’s not annoying, but it is the way it is. Nursery is the toughest phase at least, once they’re at school it does get far easier…
hang in there.

Why is she in the wrong for declining to fill in a million forms to beg her ex to pay less that £2 per child each week? Why isn’t he in the wrong for not putting it in an envelope and putting it through her letterbox each week? Or opening up a bank account for each child so he can present them with a contribution towards a car/further studies etc when they reach 18? She’s not the one who should be shamed here, he is.

I think you’re taking what I’ve said out of context.

Yes, if £800 suddenly disappeared from my salary, I’d notice it as well. But in the context I said it in, as in the amount that the OP is spending to raise THEIR child, it is not a lot. It is less than half of what SHE is spending. And, to address another poster, yes, she does have to pay for accommodation anyway. But if she was living as a single adult with no children, she probably wouldn’t need to pay extra for another bedroom, school catchment areas, whether the area is somewhere you’d be happy letting your child walk through alone etc.

And I agree that he’d probably revert to the calculator just to teach her a lesson about what a wonderful man he was being by paying extra 🙄. But that’s not what she was asking. She was asking whether he was a misogynistic pig or whether she was being dramatic. I think he’s a bit of a crap bag and he doesn’t deserve any credit for doing less than half of the financial and emotional work that goes into raising a child. I don’t think any parent deserves credit just because they’re paying a few quid over the bare legal minimum and I think there is nothing to be grateful for or impressed by.

Some men are just so selfish and entitled they don't see it as their responsibility. My ex has done everything over the years to prevent paying maintenance, including quitting his job. Even now he still tells the DC that the reason he struggles financially is because of the money he has to give me.

I have also been told in the past that I can't expect him to magic up money for extras with no notice, when they were things we had agreed we would split on top of maintenance. The event he apparently had no notice for was his DCs birthday party 🙄.

And that he shouldn't help with childcare as I got money for that. He meant the child benefit which barely made a dent in the bill. Unfortunately they will never get it or see anything wrong in what they do but be assured, their DC will. My ex really is reaping what he sowed now.

Its misogyny and you are absolutely right in how you feel. Child is half his and he should be paying half of nursery and half this activity and tbh he should be having his kid overnight.

At the same time I would push it and ask for money for activities again, just because he's got his back up so much I think that you run the risk of him throwing his dummy out the pram and if he refuses to pay half of nursery all of a sudden you'll be in the shit.

But it's not right really. He's a knob.

£7 might not be very much but it's not yours to refuse. It's your child's. All those £7 a week add up and if you don't want to take if to use on then save it for your child. You are in the wrong totally.

I'm fine accepting I will never get anything off him he hasn't worked (officially) in 8 years. Sometimes for your mental health you have to let things go I know I will never see any money off him he's set himself up perfectly to never need to pay I'm not fighting a losing battle.