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Original poster

Are women actually unkind to each other due to “jealousy”?!

34 replies

Bear0511 · 30/05/2024 12:32

It’s something that comes up on here, and IRL, a lot. Any time there are any issues between women, or a woman treating another woman badly, the resounding answer is “she is just jealous of you”.

I struggle to believe this is actually the case for grown adults who have left school. I have been jealous of many women in my life - for their looks, money, holidays, or various other things. I’ve never been unkind or exclusionary towards them because of it, because I’m an adult and not a 13 year old.

I’ve also had women in my life who I have thought are absolute dicks, haven’t really clicked with, or have drifted from friendships with. If I/they posted on MN, there would be several responses accusing one of us of being “jealous” of the other. When in reality, for whatever reason, I just haven’t wanted to spend time with them, or them with me. Sometimes it’s due to my own personal reasons, and other times it’s because I think they’re a twat with a horrible personality. If a woman hasn’t wanted to be in my life for whatever reason, or hasn’t treated me nicely, I’ve never assumed it was due to jealousy.

Assuming that someone isn’t hugely enamoured with you, no longer wants to be your friend or simply dislikes you just because they are “jealous” of you just strikes me as absolute arrogance, and a way of pushing the issue onto them instead of looking at ourselves and our own behaviour.

It also feeds into sexist tropes about women being “catty” and “bitchy”, and the worst thing is that it is always said by other women. I’ve never been told “she’s just jealous of you” by a man when I’ve been having an issue with another woman. It’s classic internalised misogyny and the female equivalent of “he just fancies you” when a man is unkind to a woman. We no longer accept that as an excuse for bad behaviour from men (thank god!) so why do we still do this to each other?

YANBU - reducing all female relationship issues to “jealousy” is a reductive, sexist trope that stops women from taking accountability for their own actions.

YABU - women are generally only horrible or exclusionary towards each other if they are jealous.

OP posts:
Everleigh13 · 30/05/2024 13:14

Yes, I agree. As an adult I wouldn’t assume some people don’t like me because they’re jealous. It’s usually a personality clash or just being different types of people. I can’t actually think of anybody I know that I feel jealous of. Most people have a mix of good and bad going on in their life.

Hereyoume · 30/05/2024 13:13

Well OP, you need to realise that we are not actually very nice. We say we are, we moan about how toxic and awful "men" are. BUT, we are far worse.

The most evil, vindictive, narcissistic, absolute abhorrent people have ever met have been other women, especially in a work environment. The men I have worked with have generally been either benign or helpful, occasionally awkward. But some other women I have worked with have been awful.

It isn't jealousy. It's just ugly, bitchy, hate.

Don't think for one second that "we" are all walking Saints.

Rumors1 · 30/05/2024 13:07

There have been a couple of instances in my life recently where either myself or a person known to me was treated badly by another female, and in all instances I definitely believe it was down to jealousy.

comedycentral · 30/05/2024 13:05

I think it's more likely that their values clash in some way.

PandaCwtch · 30/05/2024 12:59

Yes, I'd agree that it seems to have become a stock phrase when a woman criticises another woman, or even just disagrees with them.

TeenLifeMum · 30/05/2024 12:47

Some people feel better about themselves by putting others down. Not sure it’s jealousy, maybe more the need to feel superior. I work with women like this and they tried to destroy me but I’m confident with who I am and played the long game. Turns out I’m good at what I do (I already knew but now others have noticed). When you don’t values other people’s opinions it’s enlightening. I do value opinions of those who matter but I select whose I respect.

Changingplace · 30/05/2024 12:44

I think the concept of people simply being jealous is quite a childish suggestion, people are allowed to just accept they don’t click with someone, nobody is forced to be friends with anyone else and it’s quite silly to suggest this is down to jealousy.

You never hear of men who don’t get on being accused of being jealous do you?

A few years ago when I was getting married I was on a few wedding groups and often people would accuse others of being ‘jealous’ if for example they weren’t showing enough perceived interest in their weddings, which I thought was ridiculous, nobody is under obligation to be that interested and maybe they just thought it was boring 🤣

SpringerFall · 30/05/2024 12:38

Jealous of what?, most people complain how hard done by they are or they are overthinking every aspect of whatever situation they are in, or finding ways to get involved in something that is none of their business, what is there to be jealous about?

Crushed23 · 30/05/2024 12:36

Of course it’s not always envy (I assume this is what you mean by jealousy), but it is sometimes envy.

I get irritated as much by the notion that it’s never envy and ‘they just don’t like you’, as the idea that all bad treatment is due to envy.

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