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Original poster

Would you leave your DH to go on these trips with kids ?

216 replies

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 07:16

I've recently had to have a career break due to absolute burnout. My H is self employed and was unable to pick up any home stuff at all, so I was trying to manage absolutely everything on my own, whilst working full time in a senior ( well paid ) position. I have two kids under 5. I also have a chronic health condition that's very serious.

In any case, I've left the workforce for now, but I do plan to return next year. I need to heal and recover for now.

My family live abroad, so I've recently taken my children on a couple of 1 week trips to see them. Life in the UK is still quite lonely for me. I still do everything on my own ( think bed times, dinners, cooking, house work etc etc ). But I just don't work right now on top of it.

Anyway, my family have suggested going away for a couple of weeks in the summer together. My H can't make it because of work, but he can go later on in the summer. H gets just one week in summer, we usually go for 6 days or so with the kids.

I would really like to go on this trip with my family and think it would be great for the children also. But I just feel a bit bad about leaving H. Would you do that ? I really need support and company at the moment and it's difficult to get that at home right now.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 30/05/2024 10:28

You need to put yourself first for once.

Go on the trip. Find out what YOU want.

If it's a life with DP in it what do you need to make it work.

I'm not saying LTB but you sound so unhappy in this relationship and that's not fair on any of you.

Undethetree · 30/05/2024 10:18

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:40

Yes exactly.

I would like him to be happy we have this opportunity to go away and enjoy the sunshine.

I would like him to be happy for us.

I don't really want to go if he's unhappy about us going.

He seems unhappy with us going tbh. He won't say don't go. But he doesn't seem to be happy for us.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

Maybe we'll not go for the whole two weeks.

However for years now I've only ever had maximum a week of summer holidays and my kids have also never been to the beach for longer than 6 days, so it would be cool to go for two weeks.

Show quote history

Why do you need his approval and blessing tho? I mean, I do understand why you want it because people who care about each other want each other to be happy. But he sure as shit doesn't care about you being happy about anything he does. Does he?

Mrsjayy · 30/05/2024 10:11

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:58

Yes he does participate. Sometimes it can be a bit boring / difficult because I would want to do a little more with the kids perhaps but he often just wants to stay at the accommodation. That kind of thing.

That's probably just a difference in temperament.

Or the fact that I'm more used to being with the kids and the work that entails when you're out and about. Whereas he isn't and just finds it so incredibly stressful. Taking a 1 year old and 3 year old to the beach is not easy ! I always have to drive the momentum, otherwise he'd always pick the easier options which mean us staying in and plonking then down in front of the TV or whatever.

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He sounds like an old fashioned absent father just letting mum deal with the kids whilst he relaxes, no wonder your burnt out and exhausted. He is happy to let you do everything because him his job his happiness is more important than you and the children.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 30/05/2024 10:08

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 08:25

I literally spend my entire life trying to give him a break and time to himself tbh. He's very grumpy so I always let him have lie ins, look for ways to make him happy constantly, in the hopes that he'll be happier around us. I find his moods difficult to deal with, which is why I pick up all the slack- let him have all the lie ins and also often just take the kids out by myself to give him time to himself - all, to make him happier.

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Is being married to him actually worth it?

(In answer to your question, you're definitely not BU)

Naunet · 30/05/2024 10:06

So surprise, surprise, he still prioritises himself when you all go away as well. When you get back from your 2 FULL WEEKS away (because you have to go for the full time, mumsnet says so), please get some therapy. You can’t carry on pandering to his entitled man.

Dweetfidilove · 30/05/2024 10:04

I’ll hazard a guess that his only issue will be not having you facilitating his life for a few weeks. Otherwise, he’ll be living the dream while you’re gone.

He can work all hours, lie ins to his heart’s content and all sorts.

Go on holiday, enjoy the company and support. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so go heal yourself.

You’ll be back in no time to pick up where you left off.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 30/05/2024 10:01

Missing the kids? I thought he hardly saw them, so how would he miss them? Put yourself first for once, OP, and go.

Your h doesn't prioritise you at all. You need to.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:58

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:49

When you go on holiday together does he participate in everything you do with DC, or does he have to rest by himself then too @holsquestions

Yes he does participate. Sometimes it can be a bit boring / difficult because I would want to do a little more with the kids perhaps but he often just wants to stay at the accommodation. That kind of thing.

That's probably just a difference in temperament.

Or the fact that I'm more used to being with the kids and the work that entails when you're out and about. Whereas he isn't and just finds it so incredibly stressful. Taking a 1 year old and 3 year old to the beach is not easy ! I always have to drive the momentum, otherwise he'd always pick the easier options which mean us staying in and plonking then down in front of the TV or whatever.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:55

You haven't been put on this earth to serve your husband op. You are a person too, equal to him.

Undethetree · 30/05/2024 09:55

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 30/05/2024 08:08

If your h is self employed but is working so hard that he can do absolutely no childcare or housework, and can only take one week of holiday, then he should be bringing in millions each year.

If he's not, then he should work out what he's being paid per hour. If it's crap, he should jack in the self-employed work and get a proper job where he can actually contribute to his family.

This

candycane222 · 30/05/2024 09:55

When he takes himself off to the sofa every weekend to"rest" do you think he agonises over whether or not you are happy about it? Does he only stay in bed late if he knows you are happy so he can lie in "with a clear conscience"?

What do you think, honestly?

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 30/05/2024 09:53

OP, please, just go for the two weeks. Tell him that it's part of your recovery. He will survive and I really don't think that you and your kids should miss out because he has to.
I'd be more sympathetic to him if he did anything to spend time with you at any other time. But he can't be arsed, so put yourself and the kids first just this once

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:49

When you go on holiday together does he participate in everything you do with DC, or does he have to rest by himself then too @holsquestions

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:48

How much time does he actually spend with the SC? Why does he only get one week off in the summer?

Naunet · 30/05/2024 09:48

holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:40

Yes exactly.

I would like him to be happy we have this opportunity to go away and enjoy the sunshine.

I would like him to be happy for us.

I don't really want to go if he's unhappy about us going.

He seems unhappy with us going tbh. He won't say don't go. But he doesn't seem to be happy for us.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

Maybe we'll not go for the whole two weeks.

However for years now I've only ever had maximum a week of summer holidays and my kids have also never been to the beach for longer than 6 days, so it would be cool to go for two weeks.

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Please for the love of God go for the whole 2 weeks. He’s a grown adult man, he can cope for two weeks on his own. This leech is sucking you dry, prioritise yourself for once.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:46

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:44

Can you work out why he would be unhappy op? Is it because he'd miss you all so much? Because it seems like he either works or hides away from you all. It must be lovely to have a family, and hear their noise and chatter, and a beautiful home, and food on the table without having to put any effort in. Anyone would miss that. Not your problem though.

I think it's probably a mixture of missing out, missing the kids and also not having his laundry done / being cooked for.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:44

Can you work out why he would be unhappy op? Is it because he'd miss you all so much? Because it seems like he either works or hides away from you all. It must be lovely to have a family, and hear their noise and chatter, and a beautiful home, and food on the table without having to put any effort in. Anyone would miss that. Not your problem though.

Naunet · 30/05/2024 09:43

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/05/2024 08:54

or because she can’t cope? ; man th people people do cope in these circumstances ) Has he actually said it’s beneath him? It sounds a lot like the OP is so so so desperate to please him (her words in update) , she has forgotten her boundaries. And of course, he should help. But has she actually asked him to? Has he actually refused? Or has she been on a mission to try and do everything herself to prove a point? So many variable etc here. The holiday is the least of their worries. The set up sounds terrible.

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Sorry, you think men need to be asked to parent their own kids?! Who asks mums to?

mitogoshi · 30/05/2024 09:43

Go, it's one summer and you might not get another chance

CleftChin · 30/05/2024 09:42

I make sure he gets rest. I did that even when we was working. His job is more physical. Mine was a desk job. So I felt like he needed the rest more.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

You're continuously putting him ahead of both you and the kids - please, PLEASE put the kids and yourself first for once.

He has a physically tiring job. You have a mentally tiring one, PLUS all the housework and kids (is that not both physically and mentally tiring too? It is for me!)

You don't want him to resent you for going on the trip - will the kids and you not resent him for emotionally blackmailing you out of going?

Please put yourself first, and if not you, then the children.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2024 09:41

You're making sure he gets rest op, but what is he doing for you?

You're trying to please him, does he try to please you?

You have put yourself at the bottom of the pile for far far too long.

You need to go to your family. You might discover you'd rather stay there permanently.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:40

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:36

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

It doesn't sound like they're bad partners at all. Just, like everyone, muddling through the best they can.

It sounds like the husband has been supportive of his wife's career break and it doesn't sound like, from the information we've been given, that he has any issues with her not working.

Similarly the OP is carefully considering his feelings before she takes a trip away, to see her family. She also has taken on the task of doing everything in the home etc. And I'm sure he appreciates not having to do this while he works.

Yes exactly.

I would like him to be happy we have this opportunity to go away and enjoy the sunshine.

I would like him to be happy for us.

I don't really want to go if he's unhappy about us going.

He seems unhappy with us going tbh. He won't say don't go. But he doesn't seem to be happy for us.

I want to go with a clear conscience and not have him resenting us for going on the trip.

Maybe we'll not go for the whole two weeks.

However for years now I've only ever had maximum a week of summer holidays and my kids have also never been to the beach for longer than 6 days, so it would be cool to go for two weeks.

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:38

OK following on from the updates he doesn't sound like the best partner

IamnotSethRogan · 30/05/2024 09:36

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

It doesn't sound like they're bad partners at all. Just, like everyone, muddling through the best they can.

It sounds like the husband has been supportive of his wife's career break and it doesn't sound like, from the information we've been given, that he has any issues with her not working.

Similarly the OP is carefully considering his feelings before she takes a trip away, to see her family. She also has taken on the task of doing everything in the home etc. And I'm sure he appreciates not having to do this while he works.

Original poster
holsquestions · 30/05/2024 09:34

crumblingschools · 30/05/2024 09:30

He seems to get time off at the weekend.

Seriously @holsquestions what are his good points as I am struggling to see them.

I make sure he gets rest. I did that even when we was working. His job is more physical. Mine was a desk job. So I felt like he needed the rest more.

Even though I was up at night and also looking after sick kids all night, alone.

It's not fair but he just doesn't budge on it. His life is the hardest. He's unhappy with life I think.

His good qualities ? I don't know anymore. It's just been about getting through the days and surviving for a really long time now.

OP posts: