To think I’m the problem not my DH

Husband looks at you with disgust? 😢
So sorry, OP.
It's definitely not you.
My husband is a fairly decent person, however,
my extremely low self confidence was caused by abusive parents in another country, therefore thinking others looked at me with disgust, too.
The way you feel would improve massively
if you leave that bastard.
❤️

Please speak to your GP lovey, you need some support if you're feeling so desperately low. You are loved and needed. You have done nothing wrong and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help - knowing when you need help is a strength not a weakness. You can get support from Women's Aid and Samaritans too. Make the call and talk to someone, it will help I promise

It doesn't sound like you're in a supportive loving relationship OP. No wonder you feel anxious and tense around him. I suspect your mental health would improve greatly if he wasn't around. Please talk to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling and how your husband treats you. Get their support so you can start making a plan to separate from him. You deserve to feel safe and happy 💐

@2024Mu It isn't you it is your Husband. It is crystal clear that this man is an abuser. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Looking at this post following on from your post yesterday about you getting the blame because he didn't get a promotion, your OH is clearly the reason for most of your anxiety/depression.

Please speak to Women's aid or similar and get away from this man as soon as you can

If your child was in a relationship with someone who treated them like your DP treated you, and had MH problems because of it, would you think they needed to be tougher and just deal with it? No you wouldn't.
You are deserving of love and gentle care just as you no doubt give to your children. Our brains need love and care just like our bodies need food and water. There isn't something wrong with you, you are not getting what you need.
Please consider trying therapy, OP - you need a safe space to be listened to.

but surely if it was all him I wouldn’t get tongue tied talking to this mum. I’ve had countless conversations with her but recently I’ve felt I can’t hold a conversation as I feel so unwell mentally

OK, stop right there.

You were tongue-tied and your mental health is suffering because your husband is emotionally abusive and cruel, and because you are essentially managing the whole household with no support while he ignores you and the children. Anyone would be anxious, depressed and would have self-esteem at rock bottom if they were in your situation.

You have done literally NOTHING wrong. You are NOT the problem. Your husband is the problem. If he wanted to be charming and chatty to you in the same way he is to others, he could do so. But he chooses not to because - spoiler alert - he's not a very nice man and he'd rather control you and keep you scared and nervous by treating you like shit.

You definitely need some mental health support. I think therapy - alone, NOT with your husband - would definitely help you see that your husband is the root of your problems.

I feel so down I just feel everyone would be happier if I just died

OP, nobody would be happier if you died. You are essentially parenting your kids on your own. Your husband isn't parenting them in any way whatsoever. He doesn't even know what school year they're in. He is very much the expendable one in the family, not you. You are, frankly, bloody incredible.

He's an abusive arsehole. Your mental health will improve massively if you can get free of his abuse. You don't deserve this, it isn't you, you haven't done anything.

Talk to your sister if she's sympathetic, contact Women's Aid. Small steps will get you there. Also, Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' is often recommended on here and is great if you can get a copy (Kindle or on your phone app) that you can read safely without him seeing it.

The being charming with other people is all part of the abuse, he's doing it on purpose to make you feel even worse.

I'm finding this so strange, you are worried about difficulty making small talk with a stranger and you mention, like in passing, that DH doesn't even know what year kids are in, doesn't tell you when he is home for dinner and doesn't like people in the house. Absolutely nine of this is OK or normal OP, this feels much bigger than the incident at the activity. I'm glad you posted, I think this might be the beginning of a slow realisation that you are in a toxic relationship. Please feel free to keep updating and we will all do our best to keep you strong xxx

Lovie, please seek professional help. Everyone, bar none, on this thread can see that the problem is not you but we can understand that you don't see that - yet.

Be it your GP, Women's Aid or the Samaritans - there are people who can help with the practicalities whilst the wonderful people on her can hold your head above water.

I wasn’t allowed to spend Xmas with family I had to go to his

Read this again OP.

What do you mean he wouldn’t LET you.

You are a grown adult, not a child and he’s not your parent.

If you can’t agree on something then you find a way to compromise.
One person doesn’t have the final say.
(In this situation you could have done half of the day each or celebrated it separately or something).

What would have happened if you had said no and that you’re seeing your parents instead?

Do you ever say no/have the final say?

The trouble is with situations like this, is that the person is so good at being controlling/manipulative that their partner doesn’t even realise it.

There has probably been many occasions where he’s got what he wants and you’ve not even noticed or you’ve thought it was your own idea.

@Coconutter24 but at what point do I take responsibility and change things? How can I change things? I don’t want to keep blaming him as I think a stronger person would have dealt with it better

What needs changing is him. But you can't do that. And why would you want to stay in a relationship where you have to try to be a stronger person in order to deal better with how horribly your husband treats you? That's no way to live. He is horrible and has no respect for you and no interest in you as a person or in your children. How could you not blame him? How could any of this possibly be your fault? It sounds like he has reduced you to a shell of yourself.

OP, you are not the problem. You are in an abusive marriage and it is close to completely breaking you. Thinking it's your fault is the result of his gaslighting and manipulation of you. Please get counseling to figure out why you have been willing to put up with this horrible situation for so long.

And please get your children out of this abusive home life. The children of abusers tend to do poorly in life unless their mum stops the abuse cycle. Please love your children enough to do that.

Leave him op.

I was exactly like that - tongue-tied around friends, nervous, never felt 'enough', blamed myself. Not long after I left him my friends began to comment on the difference in me since I didn't have him in my life.

It's not you, it's him.

There are 2 separate issues here.

Your anxiety - which is why you struggle to chat easily to people and order drinks.

And your DH.

You will actually probably find that the issues with your DH makes your anxiety worse.

Although as a dad and a partner he should be involved, I think it’s important for you to do things out of your comfort zone and speak to new people to help with your anxiety.

I do think it’s easier to talk to strangers than people you half know though too.

I really struggled talking to other parents and I never made any mum friends because of it but if I’m with my sister and she talks to a mum from her school, then I can happily be chatty.

Your biggest issue is of course your DH though and this needs to be dealt with if you want everything else to improve.

He sounds like a twat.

Op I think you might have been better if you’d continued this on your thread from yesterday. Which has some important context to the relationship but you hardly posted again on.

I really think you could benefit from real life counselling by yourself as you are clearly extremely unhappy and I suspect not thinking fully straight.

You shouldn't feel anxious around your husband. If he knows your mental health is bad he should be helping you, not making comments the way he has.

Being stronger has nothing to do with this in fact getting through each day when you are struggling is strong!

You are being horribly abused as are your children.
Have you family and friends to support you?
You desperately need to contact Women's aid for support.

This is not your fault.

How I felt around him was complicated.

I had a part time job as I was primarily responsible for the children. I'd taken a career break until they were in school.

He blamed me for anything they did "wrong" which upset me as I felt I put a lot of effort into parenting.

He wasn't around much during the week so we had a reasonable time then, but he was around at the weekends and would often get upset at something I or the children did. I used to worry I wasn't coping with things well enough and that I wasn't good enough.

I was also quite anxious around him as he would often change his mind about things and then deny he'd ever done it.

Working full time does not mean that you should absolve yourself of any chores or anything to do with the children, this just isn’t acceptable. You’re anxious because you’re getting zero support and having to use all your energy to function, keep the kids and the house on your own within the whole overarching atmosphere he is creating, ie that you have no worth.

Do it now, it sounds clear he is the cause of your mental health problems you literally said that yourself. So now you know that you have to think about your next move. Do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who causes you so much anxiety? Have you had counselling or any help for any of this?

You don't have a MH problem, you have a DH problem. Walking on eggshells is not good for your posture.

It is not you causing him to behave that way towards you. It is HIM - he is an abusive person. Nothing you do can change him. You can only help yourself (and your DC) by leaving this relationship.

You know your mental health is poor right now but that’s not your fault. It’s what happens to humans when they try to endure things they shouldn’t have to, without support and kindness.