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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with Grandson

835 replies

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

OP posts:
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6
MinnieCauldwell · 30/05/2024 08:39

If a 14 year old boy punched a random woman in the street the police would, I hope charge him.
Give it a couple of years and he could well be thinking its ok to punch his girlfriend.
He assaulted a woman, in her home, its domestic violence.
Op DEFENDED herself, as is her right and a natural reaction.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/05/2024 08:37

What have his parents done to address their son's violence? Are they minimising and excusing it?

K0OLA1D · 30/05/2024 08:36

LadyKenya · 30/05/2024 08:35

I could not get past the fact that the boy, actually punched his Grandmother! I do not even know what to say.

If I were his parents I would be really questioning where I'd gone wrong.

eileandubh · 30/05/2024 08:35

Scintella · 30/05/2024 08:07

I would give him a present -as I’m sure DGM wants to get back to a good relationship as soon as possible - perhaps ask him what he wants,or ask his DM to ask him.
The relationship is prob more important to DGM than it is to him. Also he is prob embarrassed but won’t admit it so DGM should make the first move.

Cicciabella is this a name change for part II of your Goady Guide to Grandparenting?

LadyKenya · 30/05/2024 08:35

I could not get past the fact that the boy, actually punched his Grandmother! I do not even know what to say.

Coconutdreamer · 30/05/2024 08:34

What has your child had to say since the initial conversation? If nothing then I assume it’s either that they aren’t bothered or that they are embarrassed/mortified. Only you can guess what they might be thinking.

Your grandson’s behaviour is absolutely appalling and I imagine he’s had an almighty shock that you just didn’t roll over and accept a punch (even if your reaction was a reflex response). I wonder how many other people he has punched at home, school etc? He needs urgent help and his parents are a disgrace and enabling him if they sweep this under the carpet.

My DS(9) was asked last week by the Head for his side of the story of what happened when his friend was punched in the eye by another child (the child has a big shiner so a hard punch). I told DS that I would be angry if he was punched in the eye by another child, but I would be absolutely furious if he did that to someone. He’s 9 and knows it’s wrong to hit and punch so what the hell is a 14yo thinking punching his grandmother is beyond me.

AlfrescoPotato · 30/05/2024 08:31

There’s not a cat in hells chance that this violent spoiled rude brat would be getting a single thing off me. How very dare he!?

How didn’t he plead for your forgiveness?

I’m so sorry OP.

Icequeen01 · 30/05/2024 08:31

@Angelik - my sincere apologies. I quoted your post in error. It was supposed to be @Cicciabella.

alittleprivacy · 30/05/2024 08:30

AnOpinionInTheHand · 30/05/2024 08:23

I wouldn’t buy him any gifts for his birthday either - maybe send a card.

If it was my son I'd give him a gift, like a donation to something like Beira's Place that helps women victims of male violence.

LaurenOlivier · 30/05/2024 08:30

You did nothing wrong OP. I'm betting you're the first person who has demonstrated a direct consequence of his actions to him. I get that a lot of people think violence is never the answer but when a teenage boy thinks it appropriate to punch his gran all bets are off I'm afraid. I'd have done the same and would not have apologised.

waitingfortheholiday · 30/05/2024 08:30

missmousemouth · 30/05/2024 08:29

Isn't the age of criminal responsibility set at 10 in England? I know in Scotland it's 12. If I was his parent I'd be very worried about his behaviour.

Yes it's 10 in England

saraclara · 30/05/2024 08:30

@ByPeachSeal I spent the first half of my career teaching troubled 16 year old boys in a specialist setting, using calm, empathetic and (obviously) non violent methods. Yet even I do not judge OP for her instinctive slap.

I'm a grandparent now, and I simply can't imagine the horror of being screamed at, sworn at and punched in the stomach by a grandchild I love dearly. The shock and distress must be awful.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/05/2024 08:30

Icequeen01 · 30/05/2024 08:23

No your reaction is wrong! I can't believe you just wrote that.

Show quote history

You 'can't believe' someone wouldn't buy a present for someone who punched them and hasn't apologised?

showerjelly · 30/05/2024 08:29

@ByPeachSea I understand perfectly, don't try and put me down!

If you're teaching your daughters to accept make violence, then shame on you!

I'm glad 99% of posters are decent parents

missmousemouth · 30/05/2024 08:29

Isn't the age of criminal responsibility set at 10 in England? I know in Scotland it's 12. If I was his parent I'd be very worried about his behaviour.

olympicsrock · 30/05/2024 08:29

I’d send a card saying that you love him and are willing to listen if he wants to talk about what happened.
Olive branch but no gift.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/05/2024 08:29

Scintella · 30/05/2024 08:07

I would give him a present -as I’m sure DGM wants to get back to a good relationship as soon as possible - perhaps ask him what he wants,or ask his DM to ask him.
The relationship is prob more important to DGM than it is to him. Also he is prob embarrassed but won’t admit it so DGM should make the first move.

Poor boy, yes best buy him something to save his embarrassment from punching his grandmother...

betterangels · 30/05/2024 08:26

I would step back and not see him before you are told there have been some consequences and receivie an apology. Teenagers get away with so much shit it's unbelievable.

purpleme12 · 30/05/2024 08:26

@LadySmurf what have the parents said about all this?
(Apart from that they would get him to apologise the next day)

Icequeen01 · 30/05/2024 08:23

Angelik · 30/05/2024 06:39

He punched you and his parents did nothing!!! I don't think your reaction was unreasonable. He's 14 not 4. If my 14 ds punched me it would hurt a lot! I think you need to talk to the parents, ideally whichever one is your child immediately. They are condoning his behaviour. I wouldn't be getting a gift. A card - maybe but no present until this was sorted. I'm shocked this has been swept under the carpet. I understand you're worried about a wider family upset but he has been given signal it's OK to do this.

No your reaction is wrong! I can't believe you just wrote that.

AnOpinionInTheHand · 30/05/2024 08:23

I wouldn’t buy him any gifts for his birthday either - maybe send a card.

ragdoll12345 · 30/05/2024 08:20

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about, I would have slapped him too - hard. No wonder some teenagers think they can do what they like. I wouldn't give him a gift or have him in my house until I received a genuine apology, which I dont think you'll get given the time which has passed.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 30/05/2024 08:20

He is 14 not 4. He is using standover tactics and violence against women already. His parents have created a massive problem.

K0OLA1D · 30/05/2024 08:20

@ByPeachSeal I am not engaging with you anymore. Its like speaking to a toddler with their eyes closed

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/05/2024 08:20

He's sulking because he's actually faced a real consequence of his actions, being physically hurt in return, and he doesn't like it. Maybe the little shit will learn a lesson before he does it to someone that will do more than slap him.