Fall out with Grandson

I would absolutely mortified if one of my sons punched his grandmother. What a horrible thing to do. I sincerely hope his parents have h8m in therapy because that is not normal or acceptable behaviour. Did they tell you what punishment he received?

Sarcasm, I hope?

Having said that there’s something fishy about the op too. The post is too calm to be for real imo. ‘My teenage grandson punched me in the stomach should I give him a gift?’ 🤔

Either this is made up or there are some serious generational violence problems in this family for it to be minimised like this.

As a grandmother if this happened to me I’d be too devasted to post about it and would have called the police and pressed charges, not asked him how he is and wondered whether to give him a birthday present.

Crikey my 13yo boxes for fun and he can throw a punch, I can’t even hold the pads when he’s doing practice. If he punched me I’d be on my arse. I dread to think of the damage a teen can do to someone older.

I think you slapped him in shock / self defence and this was a very understandable reaction.

I’d talk to family and make it clear that my door was open when he was ready to apologise but in the meant you’ll be taking a step back until he feels ready to talk.

Please don't do this OP. He will learn absolutely nothing from it. It would basically just be rewarding and placating him for attacking you.

No she didn't lose the moral highground. You didn't answer what you would do. Anyway, never mind. I'm not interested in hearing yet another male excusing male violence against women.

Come on this is a massive reach. He punched his grandparent and she slapped him. If my 14 year old punched me I am sure I would have an urge to retaliate in some way but wouldn’t. To suggest that her action would lead to depression and self harm is blame shifting.

He clearly has an issue with technology and anger, his parents clearly need to work with him on that and stop him playing violent games, or frankly the dam thing at all. Many if the games on those things are addictive and show violence in a positive way.

I would ask his parents to discuss what happened, does he exhibit these behaviours with them? He should be then encouraged to sit down with you to discuss like a young adult. Once it’s done it’s then done but he needs to learn consequences and that this wasn’t ok.

I would stand my ground with his parents, what if he had hurt you? What if he had made you fall and bang your head? What if he does this to his partner as he gets older?

I’m a gran and this is what I would do. I would send a card and a gift voucher for £25. I would put a separate letter in an envelope in the card. Dear Grandson. I am very sorry that we have fallen out. I should not have lost my temper and hit you. I reacted without time to think because I was so shocked that you had punched an older woman and sworn at me. You are a young man now and if you go around punching people who are not attacking you, you will soon be in serious trouble with the police. This is the last thing I want as I’m your Gran and I care about you. I hope we can put this behind us now and we can both learn from it. Have a happy birthday, Granny. He does sound very aggressive but he’s young and I would wonder if something is behind the horrible behaviour. Ultimately it’s up to his parents to deal with and there isn’t much you can do but I would want to try to mend things and hope his behaviour improves as he matures.

Are you actually serious?! We should go around letting people punch us because we might upset their feelings? Diddums!! Behave 🙄

OP - I'd have slapped him as well so you're not the only one! Its an instinctive reaction and if he's big enough to punch you at 14 years old then he's big enough to know that his actions have consequences, that's why he doesn't like you now. Instead of facing up to what he did wrong he's fixated on your reaction to his bad behaviour and the subsequent loss of XBox etc. Let him get on with it frankly and no, I wouldn't be buying him a gift either. This isn't a small thing, he punched a grandparent ffs!

All of this "be kind, be understanding, be the adult" bollocks is why we end up with an epidemic of men who are irresponsible, self-centered, have poor impulse control, not accountable, lazy and entitled.

The teen and his family should be crawling to the OP for forgiveness. Not being rewarded with cards, gifts, offers of outing and "kindness."

I don't think that last bit is the threat you think it is.

Your responses in this thread have shown what kind of parent you are, and it would be a mighty relief to be banned from seeing the little thug you have raised.

Because he punched her in the stomach?! a 14 year old that as far as we know, could have been taller than her. Jesus wept.

She lost the moral high ground when she slapped him, I don't blame her, I can see it being instinctive. It's family and I would want to do everything I could to build bridges. If it was a random child on the street, I'd feel very different, or a godchild who you can remove from your life. Put more fuel on the fire, and it may take him a decade to be old enough and big enough to apologise. It can never not happen now, but I'd want to avoid it being a long-term wedge through the family.

Absolutely do not even consider giving him a gift!

A teenage boy punched his gran in the stomach! That he has not been punished nor made to apologize is horrifying. Clearly the family has some serious problems. Papering over and behaving as though all is normal is absurd.

Do not acknowledge his birthday whatsoever.

Did you have to stand on a stool to slap him? Young men seem to be very tall.

It sounds to me like there are huge problems with the family and possibly between the siblings and you got horribly caught in the middle. You reacted to his behaviour instinctively and it's completely understandable. But if you want to move on then I think you as the adult have to find a way for that to happen, if you don't then that's your choice too of course - but I think this child probably really needs you in their life.

I would write in his card that you really enjoyed the day you spent with him on the outing and you hope that can be repeated in the future. So for his birthday present you would like to take him (and just him, not his shit stirring brother) out and name a place.

That way you're not buying him a present unless he agrees to see you again to build bridges and try to repair the damage. Personally though if he agrees to go I would put the other incident behind you and see how he is without his brother around - he might be a very different kid.

So sorry to read this OP you must be so upset, I definitely can understand your reaction, he should be apologising to you as to do that to you is disgusting. I would maybe write to him say you love him but there’s no way you can condone that behaviour and then leave the ball in his court, please don’t apologise to him you did no wrong. I just can’t understand his parents lack of reaction they should be devastated and taking very strong measures to punish him.

You are the adult and you slapped him around the face. Why would you apologise then punish him for not forgiving you?

I’m not surprised you did what you did as I think it was a reflex action.

He’s a nasty child/teenager and his parents should manage his behaviour better. His parents definitely need to look into why he’s done this. Actually he needs anger management classes. It’s not really ok for him to shout and swear at you either.

He wouldn’t get a present off me.

There’s obviously a serious, serious problem, I would not be trying to punish him by withholding a birthday present unless you just want him to withdraw further from you.

14 is still a child. He lost control. Why? What’s going on for him. This is the pragmatic question to ask if you want to repair. If you just want to be right and sod the relationship then that’s a lot easier, ignore him, withhold affection and tell him he’s a little shit via your words and deeds. I strongly get the sense that you really care about him and want to do the right thing though

Yes he needs to feel healthy shame and understand this is unacceptable, but this is such a huge overstep he has done and also you hitting him (understandably! But it is indeed likely to form part of a permanent scar in your relationship unless you are very skilful now) He’s going to need some help to get to this point

brushing it under the carpet is not a good idea. Ultimately, if I think it needs to be sorted out with professional help. CAPA first response-I go on about them constantly because they are so skilful at helping families deal with violence and a lot of it is deeply counterintuitive

A controversial comment was made earlier including that this could be the beginning of him spiralling downwards, and she is absolutely right, he should not have done it but this could be the start of a horrible chain of events, I’ve seen it and lived it myself with my own boy. If I was you, I would tell him that you love him unconditionally, you really are sorry for hitting him and you know how awful it is to loose control, and he would like to repair when he is ready because you know he is a good kid, and then try to have a serious conversation with his parents about getting some appropriate professional intervention such as referral to CAPA (they can do this themselves) or you may be able to self refer if they won’t.

I’m really sorry, you got punched, that must’ve been so distressing and shocking. good luck, stay kind and adult, be someone who helps him feel safe as this is necessary for him to truly feel remorse. Don’t bother about trying to get an apology, if it’s not a natural one, it’s not worth anything I will just make him more resentful.

If that had been a random 14 year old stranger punching you in the street you would have called the police.

I'm not sure what you can do really if the parents have made no effort to mediate and get him to apologise, other than writing him out of your will. Certainly don't buy him a birthday gift.

Well, we've found the parent that lets her kids act violently and abusively without restraint.

Seriously, that is some of the worse advice I have ever read on here..complete an utter nonsense.

The little shitbag deserved a slap and you should not have apologised. No card, no present, no contact until he grovels for your forgiveness. Can’t believe some of these responses on here.

You write as if anyone would want to see your (hopefully hypothetical) violent thug of a child again. 😂

Please ignore this post- it's not helpful. Possibly the poster missed the part about you being hit.

No present will make things worse, perhaps irreparable.

Id get him a charity present - water for the poor in Africa
https://shop.wateraid.org/collections/charity-gift-cards