Fall out with Grandson

The violent little thug didn't punch her again, did he?

It may have been a reactive slap, but it probably made him think twice.

Have you ever been punched in the stomach by a teenage boy? I have.

At work one time, a boy I didn't even teach thought that it would be amusing to punch me in the stomach. He would have been 14/15. Painful and traumatising. (Also caused a miscarriage.)

Your only take from the OP's situation is that the grandparent should apologise?

I'm sorry but if he is big enough to Punch his nan in the stomach he is big enough to get a slap. And to say a slap is getting of lightly. If any of my kids laid a hand on either grandparents they would be saying sorry for ever and they would have nothing in there room but a bed and clothes for a very long time..

He punched you in the stomach??? I do think you were correct to apologise to him for slapping in retaliation - it wasn't the appropriate reaction and actually apologising was modelling good behaviour. The fact that he didn't apologise to you is shocking. I think further apologies/pussyfooting around him is going to make him (the male who punched his grandmother in the stomach) feel as if he was the wronged party or somehow justified. I also wouldn't want someone like that around me in the future unless they had shown remorse and that it wouldn't happen again.
And 14 year olds aren't adults. I truly believe a 14 year old boy could behave terribly and grow up to be a decent adult - him punching you doesn't put him beyond redemption for life. But he is highly unlikely to grow up to be a better person if he's allowed to skulk about and be unpleasant to the (older female) person he assaulted without a shred of remorse.

Teaching him that if you physically assault someone, they will still buy you a present if they really love you, is such a dangerous precedent to set to a boy of his age especially.

This. No wonder so many men feel entitled to no consequences for their actions. The apologies - and pandering to their shit, violent behaviour - start early.

This young man needs unconditional love, very difficult stage of life. I am not condoning what he did but the behaviour issues need to be addressed in the longer term by his parents. And yes, you do need to buy him a birthday present!

In case anyone has ever wondered why some men feel entitled to be violent and physically abusive, here it is.
Teenage boys have or are developing the strength of adult men - not teaching them how completely unacceptable random violence is, is actually dangerous. You are creating monsters.

"scorched-earth dire consequences"

precisely - anything less is really sh*tty parenting!

The serious issue here is him punching his Nan not wether an apology is the issue , I said he was wrong and advised getting him help to stop his violence escalating . The adult in this case hit him back and regretted it , surely it’s better to show him she hit back but as the maturer adult was big enough to apologize as violence is not the way to react and have the same expectation from him .

@Despair1

When the young man said he hates his grandma, that is likely to mean love. Love and hate are closely connected.

This is straight of the abusers handbook I'm afraid.

Abusers and apologists have trotted this one out for decades and decades.

A dangerous phrase that is one of many reasons people end up in toxic, often abusive relationships.

Unconditional love is responsible for much of what's wrong with the world. Love should always be conditional on being a decent human being.

Slapping isn't good, but I think it's excusable when you've just been punched in the stomach!

Anyone who punches their grandmother in the stomach at 14 (and doesn't have severe developmental issues to explain the behaviour) is mote likely headed down the road to ruin, unless something changes, sharpish. His parents need to act immediately to bring him under control, if it's not already too late.

No, I wouldn't give a gift to a 14-year-old who'd recently punched me and said he hated me, not unless he'd apologised and seemed to understand the magnitude of his misbehaviour.

Unconditional love starts long before the age of 14 and had he of been bought up correctly he'd know that punching anyone isn't acceptable, so his parents have either turned a blind eye or have no intention of addressing his behaviour.

At 14 for his own sake he needs to take a good look at his own behaviour before he punches someone and they put him on his arse good and proper.

How does her getting him a gift, despite him not apologising for punching her in the stomach, teach him a valuable lesson?

Unconditional love doesn't mean rewarding or ignoring awful behaviour. It means doing things that will help him to grow into a sensible, emotionally healthy adult. It means understandable and proportionate consequences to behaviour.

Teaching him that if you physically assault someone, they will still buy you a present if they really love you, is such a dangerous precedent to set to a boy of his age especially.

To still get him a present despite his lack of apology for his physical attack is to do him a complete disservice too, by teaching him absolutely nothing that will benefit him in the long term.

Can you see that?

Your last sentence has been said by every male abuser.

I agree that teenagehood is a difficult time for most but I believe this young man has underlying issues that need to be addressed and worked on. And that means rules/boundaries and unconditional love. When the young man said he hates his grandma, that is likely to mean love. Love and hate are closely connected.

sorry but it isnt normal for a 14 year old to hit his grandma, this is likely going to turn out very bad for him and his parents need to see whats wrong because it really isnt normal .........

Wtf. You’ll find that nearly all teens manage to navigate this “difficult stage of life” without violently attacking their grandparents when they ask them to please stop swearing. He’s a little thug who does not deserve a birthday present.

Exactly!

My 14 year old would probably have to run for it if he ever laid a hand on me like that. And that's if DH didn't catch him first! 🙈

Certainly wouldn't be receiving an apology off me either.

At 14 they know right from wrong, and unless there are bigger neurological issues at play, there needs to be scorched-earth dire consequences for that sort of behaviour or it escalates, and 14 year old boys rapidly grow into 16, 17, 18 year old men.

As PP have said it's an involuntary reaction sometimes, to defend yourself, which is what you were doing. I've never laid a finger on my children, I was hit a lot as a kid and it was a miserable upbringing. But I don't think I can guarantee my son wouldn't get a smack back at that age.

This young man needs unconditional love, very difficult stage of life. I am not condoning what he did but the behaviour issues need to be addressed in the longer term by his parents. And yes, you do need to buy him a birthday present!

Just because she has apologised for slapping him in retaliation, it doesn't mean that she has forgiven him for his actions. He has a lot of making up to do. He's 14 and he is stomping around saying he hates her even though he punched her! Maybe if he had apologised then this wouldn't be as it is now but as it stands the grandson has zero remorse for what he did to her. She clearly has talked to the parents as they said he was going to apologise to her. The parents need to step the fuck up and start actually parenting their child and make him accountable for his actions.

He sounds like a wee thug.. One day he will punch someone in the stomach and find he's picked on the wrong one. Either that, or he'll be wearing his suit in the dock.

You were wrong to apologise to him and the only letter that I would be writing would be one withdrawing it.

He didn't eat the last biscuit and not apologise...he punched his grandmother. Punched her. You are really minimising what's gone on here I feel.

Personally, I would get a hammer and smash the Xbox to pieces. And I’d make sure I did it in front of him.

I’m going against the grain here - at 14 he’s an adolescent, not an adult and I don’t think it’s right to write him off as a violent abuser. Teenage boys bodies develop faster than their brain and that’s why it matters so much how a situation like this is handled. Who he is at 24 will be affected by how he was handled at 14. But it’s not a foregone conclusion.

Before making any decisions about birthdays I’d want to have a serious discussion with his dps, or perhaps just with your dc if that would be better. They’re all lucky you didn’t press charges, but you left it to them to handle and they haven’t brought it to a conclusion so I’d want to know what happened.

It’s not normal for a 14 year old to punch his granny. Calling him names and predicting lifelong criminality is beside the point. There’s something going on - it could be anything from violence in the home, poor parenting, to a psychotic streak. The last one being another way of saying he’s a little shit - and if he is, at 14, his dps should still be seeking out help and support.

You don’t know what happened after he got home. And you might feel differently if he was beaten up afterwards by a regularly violent parent, vs patted on the head and given extra time on his iPad. This is what I’d want to find out.

The dps are doing him a huge disservice by not getting him to apologise, and rebuild the relationship, regardless of what consequences there were for him otherwise. If he were my gs, I’d probably send him a birthday card, letting him know that I’m willing to talk about what happened, and that I love him. That’s not letting him off the hook or minimising the seriousness of it, but it shows him how to build a bridge.