Fall out with Grandson

Anonymouseposter,
You cannot 'understand' because he may have issues.
I have issues. There are a lot of teenagers with issues.
How many of them thump their Grannies?
The only issue I would understand is if the aggressor was totally unable mentally to understand their actions.
I'm sure he would rather have a slap round the chops than a criminal record.

Yeah. He's learned that it's OK to attack people because they'll get over it. I'll bet my house that this is not the first time he's hit someone. It's just the first time he's hit his gran. This is the perfect opportunity to show him that that's not OK. That not everyone will forgive and forget. Personally, I think I would have contacted the police and had them confront him. Maybe that would have been a reality check for him.

He doesn’t sound the remotest bit sorry and he hasn’t faced any consequences for his actions.

If I were you op I would report the assault to the police. I imagine you wouldn’t want him prosecuted but the police would definitely make it clear that he can’t go around punching people. Personally I wouldn’t see your grandson, certainly not at the moment, as I don’t think you can trust him.

I do have experience with aggressive teens and this is the way I would deal with it looking back on incidents which I perhaps downplayed or when I let off the offender.

Absolutely not ! This is terrible advice, he is certainly old enough to know what he did was wrong, 'gentle parenting' is completely inappropriate here for a 14 year old!

Are you serious? Fucks sake he assaulted his nan, this is never ever ok. She is not to blame, she did nothing wrong and his behaviour raises serious red flags.

OP, I would walk away and hope that one day he grows up and understands the seriousness of his actions. He sounds a troubled child but he’s not yours to solve. Don’t engage.

I’m not convinced that this is about a young man learning to hate women. I just think kids - boys and girls - are totally out of control. They have been spoilt to the extent that they are essentially narcissists, utterly incapable of empathy.

This is what will ultimately do society in, because this lot are out of control and dangerous. I even read an article the other day about a gang of young kids who had stoned a peacock to death. Just for fun. They are monsters and it’s our fault for enabling it.

I don't disagree with letting him know that he has committed a criminal act and even with calling the police. I do think the parents have to try to gain some understanding of why this behaviour is happening in an effort to stop it. That doesn't mean saying "I understand why you felt the need to punch me, darling" it means digging to see if there are any underlying issues. If he's just "bad" it will become apparent but there's still hope for change.

I agree. But it could also fall I to the natural consequences that no one tells him, everyone enforces its OK and the natural consequences is that he gets charged with gbh when he hits a non relative.

I have alway drummed into my kids that if you hit someone past a certain age its gbh and the police.

No man or woman would hit me without me reporting it to the police

'Of course she does, she's the responsible adult in the situation and she lost control. It wasn't the appropriate way to deal with it.'

... and another one!
We are not talking about a small child.
It was a shock reaction to an adult size boy thumping her, and probably better for him that she didn't take the appropriate action - a call to the police.

What would your response be to a teenage boy thumping you in the gut?
You could swat him with your halo.

WTF??????

This person would have been in the world of work a few years ago.

What kind of lesson do you think it learned when you can physically assault someone and then just sit back and have everyone move on from it and still have your victim buy you presents? What a power trip that is. This is actually why a lot of men hate women. They see women as weak and pathetic, and when their victims accept being treated badly, it just enforces their beliefs. Hence their disgust, hatred and zero respect.

I'm more optimistic at 14 but agree it would take a lot of careful work and there's no guarantee of turning things around. Some 14 year olds are very immature and very damaged and do change. As a grandparent I wouldn't want to give up on him yet.
I don't agree with Cicciabella at all but I don't agree with referring to him as a "violent man" at this stage.

The "appropriate response" assuming you mean non violent response would be to call the police and get him done for assault, but I take this also would have been "too harsh" on the teen for the ones that are victim blaming in this post.

'Yes, because he’s not a fully developed adult yet and while the responsibility rests with his parents I would feel some responsibility to influence him. Do you think family should cut teenagers off if their behaviour is so out of order or should try a mixture of discipline and understanding to try to help them turn things round?'

Understanding? Understanding?
'Yes, darling, I understand why you thumped Granny' Really? I could never understand that!
'Yes darling Grandson, I understand that you felt the need to punch me in the stomach, now, let me influence you...'
He may not be an adult, but didn't you know at 14, that you do not punch your Granny in the stomach? I knew. Wouldn't have crossed my mind to do that.
He knew.

You don't cut him off from the family, but you let him know that he committed a criminal act, and that any further transgression will be reported.

@greenpolarbear of course she reacted instinctively she got punched in the stomach, are you saying you'd take the beating and just calmly ask him not to do it again?

Don't be so pathetic.

‘He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment.’

14yo slap bang in the middle of hormonal onslaught? Maybe so, BUT this does not excuse or minimise that he verbally abused you & most important of all he physically attacked you. This behaviour would not be tolerated at his home , certainly not at school nor in other environments e.g. sports, Scouts etc. You reacted by slapping him as a reflexive defence & quite rightly you apologised. Ideally you would have not reacted as you did but it was sudden, unexpected & a physical blow - you were not wrong but understandably have regret.

This a parent problem, his parents not you.

Certainly send him a birthday card, it would not help to not acknowledge his birthday. Also a generic gift voucher for a modest sum as a token gift if you can bear it. Emphasis on token rather than gift.

Were he my nephew - same age, same backchat- I would try to channel my irritation & shock at his behaviour into a determination to discuss this directly with his parents.

Both you & your GS have ripped at the familial trust between you. You both can overcome this by the whole family paying attention & relaying boundaries.
This is episode should not be glossed over.

No offence, but people like you are the problem.

I would think it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to help a 14 year old capable of such brutality to ‘turn things round’. The damage would run too deep.

Unfortunately from reading some of these replies it's women that are advocating this is what the answer is...

But...when someone posts asking why, some, men are just awful/violent/general dicks its also women that post in their droves it's because of xyz...

It starts while young..

Children need proper parenting.
Boys need to be shown how to Father.
Girls need to be shown how to Mother.
Without either we get kids that grow to think bad behaviour/ violence is the answer.
Parents should be showing their DC how they pull together and read from the same page.

Of course she does, she's the responsible adult in the situation and she lost control. It wasn't the appropriate way to deal with it.

Yes, because he’s not a fully developed adult yet and while the responsibility rests with his parents I would feel some responsibility to influence him. Do you think family should cut teenagers off if their behaviour is so out of order or should try a mixture of discipline and understanding to try to help them turn things round?

Ridiculous response.

Bloody hell no wonder teens are out of control, causing havoc and not showing any respect for anything or anyone, going by the replies here, the little darlings can do no wrong! Punching their gran and expecting the gran to just suck it up because she is the adult?!, sorry but at nearly 15 they know right from wrong and assaulting an elderly woman is disgraceful even if not related to you! Disgusting behaviour from the teen and the parents. I would get the police involved before he assaults or kills someone.