Fall out with Grandson

while I understand why you hit him, I don't agree with it. it's not really leading by example and he is a child. you are a grown up. you can't tell a child to be non-violent if you've used it too

No. OP was assaulted by someone who possibly has full adult male strength, or close to it, and reacted to the assault.

When you've just been punched in the stomach and are in shock and pain, "leading by example" won't be at the forefront of your mind.

Itsallsoboring
Bore off with your victim blaming. Getting really cross with these apologists now.
He's 14, not 4!

This is surreal.
I cannot believe I am arguing with WOMEN who are not only defending male violence, but suggesting that OP ignores it, apologises for retaliating, and suggesting she rewards the aggressor.
Is it me? Is it one person changing names and having me on? I don't know any women like this. I'm newish here.

All the apologists on this thread need to read this and read it again.

while I understand why you hit him, I don't agree with it. it's not really leading by example and he is a child. you are a grown up. you can't tell a child to be non-violent if you've used it too. his violent behaviour is a problem and he will be worse as he grows - his parents must address this. him hitting you is absolutely wrong - in fact, he assaulted you. either way, it's wrong of you both. there is something deeply wrong here and you must help him and yourself. good luck.

Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.

The best gift he could receive is learning that he's committed a really awful, criminal act.

Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still?
Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.

He is not a child. He is a teenager, probably bigger and stronger than his Granny.
At what point do you shun family? At what level of violence? A black eye? Broken bone? Tooth knocked out? A kick? A punch in the stomach would do it for me.
She didn't actually shun him, either.

I’d be asking your daughter/ son if they were coping okay and coming at it that way. Of course it’s not right that you slapped him but I imagine it was an instinctive reaction to being struck that made you lash out. I’d want to know how they were coping and leave the child alone completely.

can't comment, I have no idea on what juvenile justice is now or was then.....what I was pointing out is that you can't blame "modern upbringing" "modern society" or "modern parenting" and of course both then and now, by the time these children meet the justice system, they have already committed such an atrocity at least once.

Exactly.

Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.
He is a young person who knows right from wrong.
He is someone that could have severely damaged a woman.

This isn't a bit of a family tiff. This is an unprovoked assault. If he did this to a stanger in the street the police would have been called

Lady Smurf. Has never posted before. It's school holiday entertainment

So so true.

@Despair1 sounds incredibly naive and idealistic.

This kid needs help, yes but that doesn't mean buying presents and letting him think this is all ok. Real love has strong boundaries, strong values and respect for others. Thats what he needs to learn, NOT that he can do what he likes with no consequences.

Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still?

Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.

I'm sorry you were punched, but a 14 year old who is hitting, clearly is experiencing some heightened emotions which he cannot regulate.

Utter rubbish. I bet he'd have regulated himself just fine around a large burly bloke.

Why does he get more grace than the actual of make violence, of an unprovoked assault?

However there is also a 14 year old who was physically assaulted

He got a slap after HE physically assaulted someone. He is no victim.

But hopefully, when (if) these teenage boys were caught I would think the consequences for them would be far more severe than if it happened today. Nowadays their would be allsorts of social workers, youth workers etc, showering them with "interventions" days out, money to spend, treats, while the decent kids have to watch on.
Doesn't really inspire much confidence in what is now laughingly called justice

Thank you.

I feel foolish saying this now: I never told the police that I’d been pregnant. I had no proof and I was worried about the psychological impact on the boy. (I feel like an idiot, given what happened later.)

Reading this thread has brought it all back.

I’m astounded at the comments suggesting that the Grandmother should pander to the boy.

'Reacting with violence when you are actually saying violence is not acceptable, is hypocritical and sending all the wrong messages.
I'm sorry you were punched, but a 14 year old who is hitting, clearly is experiencing some heightened emotions which he cannot regulate. The best thing would have been to tell him how hurt, and upset you are about what he did to you.
The best thing to do now, is maybe have that chat but stay calm and be accepting that he needs a sense of safety and security.'

He needs a sense of safety and security!
Do you have a two brain cells to rub together, Yellow wallflower?
Yeah, you hypocrite OP - retaliating, you evil woman, sending the wrong messages.
A retaliatory kick in the balls would have sent a better message!

He is 14, not 4. He chose not to regulate, as all male abusers do. Betcha he could regulate faced with a large, strong unrelated male.

I don't agree with most of this. It reads like victim blaming to me.
I do not agree that the Op reacted 'with violence'; if you are punched it hurts and shocks you, and any reaction is instinctive.

I don't doubt that he is going through a difficult emotional time as most teens do; but most teens go through it without ever punching their GMs. He needs to get the message that this is unacceptable and he needs to get it from his parents, it is not the OP's responsibility. Why should the OP have to have a chat with him - perhaps putting herself at risk again- when he has not even acknowledged his wrongdoing and apologised?

I appreciate it was automatic.
However there is also a 14 year old who was physically assaulted. He may also be feeling betrayed, hurt and upset. And while he has not apologised, I don't believe forcing an apology from him, without him understanding the issue, is going to be helpful.
Yes it is the parents job to help him to regulate, but clearly there is more going on here. There is a high chance, he is watching violent video games on his x box and he is re-enacting the things he is experiencing. I think blaming him and him alone is wrong. The ADULTs in the this situation are not doing their jobs.

Unbelievable bad behaviour from grandson
I’m not surprised you slapped him , you were probably in shock
The parents house have told him his behaviour is unacceptable, he should have apologised ( but this hasn’t happened )

I would still see younger grandson , be cool mannered with your Son / daughter and let them know how disappointed you are

absolutely no gift

( And if id heard him say he hated you , I would probably respond with that I hate you too , you little shit ) ( but that’s just me )

@Yellowwallflower1 great advice. A 14 year old who can’t regulate his emotions to the extent of punching his granny when threatened with having his x box taken away would have reacted brilliantly to a conversation about the hurt and upset his violence caused.

Granny could paint a target on her face whilst she at it so he knows where to aim next time, so he feels safe and secure in discussions about his violence.

Thank you.

Yes, apparently you’re fair game if you’re a teacher.

It was a self-bloody defensive automatic reaction FFS. A reaction for which she has apologised. I note that his actions seem to have gone completely unacknowledged and un-apologised for, nor does there seem to be a plan in place for the kid's parents to teach him to channel his anger and frustration better.

OP, this really is on his parents. If I were in your shoes I'd sit down with them without the boys present and ask them what they did to deal with it, why you haven't received an apology, if he's still got his Xbox, and how they are supporting their 14 year old son to learn how to make better choices in the heat of the moment.

None of them deserve your company, let alone your cards or gifts, until it is resolved satisfactorily.

Or punish him for his absolutely vile and unacceptable behaviour.

I'm not sure "gentle hands" is the answer here! It's probably what got him here,

No presents, no celebration, because his behaviour is vile!