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AIBU?

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Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

115 replies

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:38

My DD20 is going holiday Tom and was very busy today with appointments/packing. Had quite a few missed calls today from MIL (can’t have phone at work on me only on my break) saying that DD wasn’t getting phone and had she done anything to her. I explained to her that she was just busy with appointments/packing to which MIL replied to me she was very upset. I again explained to her the situation and then said to me I hope you don’t mind me phoning you at work about this. I then messaged my DD and she said she was busy and couldn’t get the phone but she was going to contact her late afternoon. MIL after I explained this to her proceeded to turn on the waterworks crying to me saying how upset she is & how she had the confidence telling me this. This made me feel very upset as it made me panic thinking ot was emergency and also the fact that she created drama while I was at my work over this. DH said to me she’s got a lot on her mind with caring for FIL who has Dementia but I feel that although this is the case it’s not fair of her to contact me at work over this. So AIBU thinking this or was MIL being unreasonable here

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MsCharlene · 29/05/2024 21:22

My mum is prone to repeat calling if someone doesn't answer, and for some reason can't comprehend why anyone wouldn't instantly answer their phone. I often mute my mother for this reason, it's a control thing with her and not my problem that she is abusing the technology she has access to.
She'll text, call me 10 minutes later then call my partner to see if something has happened to me. I won't feed nor entertain it.

She also does it when I'm at work as she needed an urgent painter and decorator. Repeat calls, Facebook messenger, texts etc. she'd leave voicemails if I hadn't switched that off.
Nightmare. I do call her back but not often same day, as this makes her do it more.
I've spoken to her but to no avail.
My grown up kids will text her back but not immediately if they are busy, driving, working.

Her narcissism is enabled by the wonders of technology.

hettie · 29/05/2024 21:21

So .. Have I got this right..... Your mil couldn't get a response from DD because she was driving/ in the bath for what max 6 hours. So she's panicking/assuming she's been rejected so she's calling you at work to panic/download and you're a bit like wtf?
In which case her dementia care stress aside you're right to be annoyed

Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:15

Well can't you forgive her one time being dramatic. I agree she should have called your dh . But it's nice she felt she could reach out to you

AGlinnerOfHope · 29/05/2024 21:14

My kids don’t answer the phone to my mum when they are busy. They wait until they a free hour, because it’s impossible to stop her talking.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:13

Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Don't mention to mil maybe just tell your dd to call her grandma back . If she had time to get a bath during the day she had time to make a phone call .
Does she always call you in work or is this the first time ?

My DD did phone her back late afternoon
This is 1st time she’s called me at work and left me 3 voicemails, 2 messages and 1 Facebook message

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helpfulperson · 29/05/2024 21:13

It sounds like she is overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for her husband and therefore small things take on a huge magnitude. Obviously it is primarily your husbands responsibility to support but what is he doing to help?

Starlight7080 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Don't mention to mil maybe just tell your dd to call her grandma back . If she had time to get a bath during the day she had time to make a phone call .
Does she always call you in work or is this the first time ?

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:12

Well complaining to me that DD couldn’t get the phone wasn’t ideal either

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Screamingabdabz · 29/05/2024 21:09

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:04

Yes I did need to answer call at work and get back to her as I thought it was emergency her phoning me

Well so what? Do we really need a lynch mob because an older woman had a bit of a panic and oh the horror, called you at work. It’s hardly the crime of the century.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:09

Phoning me at work complaining to me about DD that couldn’t answer phone to her there and then, turning on the tears and getting upset to me made me think why is she being like this but yes I appreciate looking after FIL has made things overwhelming for her, she does get outside help for him as well but she should of phoned my husband not bother me about it

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Ginkypig · 29/05/2024 21:08

Your mil (unless it’s an emergency) was being unreasonable.

from my own experience @Candy155320 I think it might depend on her age/circumstances. Has she always been like this or difficult in other ways or is this newish?

Iv known a few people who have become less confident and less able to cope with their emotions ans they have gotten older and it can make them difficult to deal with.
I absolutely don’t think it’s true of everyone and am not being judgmental about it.

as a couple of example’s

my own mil has really changed in the last few years, she was always a very independent with it woman who raised her children single handed and even in retirement she thought nothing of for example going up on the roof of her shed to refelt it!

Then she had a health blip and now gets very anxious with very little cause when small things go wrong she ruminates on them and mentions them even weeks later sometimes. If she can’t get one of us on the phone she tries to control herself incase we get frustrated but her brain jumps to she must have done something to upset one of us or another reason that is equally unlikely rather than we’re just busy or hadn’t heard the phone.

theres nothing I can pin as to why except she getting older now so feels more vulnerable maybe?

my dear older friend who iv known for 20 years and used to visit regularly, she was a hippie feminist powerhouse of a woman but Covid has completely wiped her confidence to the point she barely goes out anymore and I feel like I’m talking to a person I hardly recognise sometimes when I can get her to speak on the phone to me.

maybe none of this post is relevant to you of course. In which case please ignore!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/05/2024 21:07

Redirect her to your DH number at work.

RobertaFirmino · 29/05/2024 21:07

Perhaps MIL is having a particularly bad time right now. We all know dementia is a damn sight more than forgetting what you ate for lunch three minutes ago. Dementia can cause people to exhibit some pretty nasty behaviours (and I said can, not does)* *and I wonder if MIL has been the brunt of some herself. Hopefully, you can find a way to cut her some slack whilst still maintaining boundaries,

MissUnderstandings · 29/05/2024 21:06

Even though she appreciates she shouldn’t phone you at work, it sounds as if your MiL is having a stressful time with her DH, is sensitive and needy at the moment, and trusts you to confide.

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:04

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2024 21:03

So she didn’t think to ring her Nan back after she had got out of the car?
Also, you didn’t need to answer the call from her at work. So much angst about a trivial thing!

Yes I did need to answer call at work and get back to her as I thought it was emergency her phoning me

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AFmammaG · 29/05/2024 21:04

turned on the waterworks
Twice you’ve said this now, you clearly don’t like her. She was trying to do something nice. She was ignored and then upset. You sound quite horrible.

Screamingabdabz · 29/05/2024 21:03

Why all the drama? Your MIL has a lot on her plate, she wanted to do a nice thing and talk to your dd before her holiday and just got overwhelmed. This happens to older people. If it’s a one off there is no need for a ‘big talk’ just empathy and forgiveness. Why is this so difficult?

mathanxiety · 29/05/2024 21:03

WelshNerd · 29/05/2024 20:58

This just sounds like nonsense. If she's having a difficult time due to caring responsibilities then she has to express that outside of your working hours and preferably to her son. I would certainly make clear that she can't contact you at work.

Yes to this.

Is she normally the kind of person who turns every occasion into one revolving around her and her feelings? Does she look for attention? Does she feel rejected when people are not paying her the attention she thinks she needs?

Soontobe60 · 29/05/2024 21:03

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:57

No cos when MIL phoned her she was driving the car & then she phoned her again while she was having a bath so that’s why DD couldn’t take her call.

So she didn’t think to ring her Nan back after she had got out of the car?
Also, you didn’t need to answer the call from her at work. So much angst about a trivial thing!

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:02

I have no idea but I think that although she’s struggling with FIL she’s taken offence and gets upset at the slightest thing

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Welshmonster · 29/05/2024 21:02

Even though DD is going on holiday these days it’s not like you can’t be contacted while away unless you are off to a remote jungle.

you will get to a stage where it’s like the boy that cried wolf as the phone will be ringing and something will have happened.

tell your DH to sort their mum out. Go round there and see how she is if local. Has the council been in to see about support etc

Chirawehaha · 29/05/2024 21:01

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:58

She wanted to tell me that she was hurt that DD couldn’t answer phone to her and then when I explained to her why she couldn’t she turned on the waterworks

Why you as opposed to your DH? Why is someone being busy (and ringing her back later) cause for tears? Why does this merit ringing you at work?

Did you question any of this?

Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:01

I did say to MIL only contact me at work in emergency not to tell me that DD couldn’t get the phone to her

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Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 21:00

HoHoHoliday · 29/05/2024 20:58

Your DD was able to reply to you when you asked what she was doing but couldn't take a couple of minutes to answer the phone to her grandma?
Don't speak to your MIL about this, just leave it now. She's obviously struggling, it's stressful caring for someone with dementia, and she's probably lonely as well.

My DD did not reply back to me straight away she messaged me after half hour saying to me she would contact MIL at some point late afternoon

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Candy155320 · 29/05/2024 20:58

Chirawehaha · 29/05/2024 20:55

And you didn’t ask her why she wanted to tell you?

This whole thing is a bit strange. What was she even ringing your DD for? What is she claiming to be so hurt about?

She wanted to tell me that she was hurt that DD couldn’t answer phone to her and then when I explained to her why she couldn’t she turned on the waterworks

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