Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

Tattle.
She wanted to tattle on your daughter so that you would send her to her room without supper.
I actually feel bad for your MIL. Her husband is disappearing bit by painful bit and she can’t do anything about it. She’s got absolutely no control and that’s a terrifying thing.
Not being able to get ahold of her granddaughter is another thing out of her control and the whole “loss of control” is probably freaking her out.
She was trying to grab hold of someone, anyone, and she grabbed hold of you.
I see how it was annoying and inappropriate for her to call you at work, but cut the old girl some slack. She’s losing her whole married life right now.
I can’t imagine losing someone to dementia or Alzheimer’s - but I watched someone who did. It erased 60 years of her life, just as much as it did her Alzheimer’s-afflicted husband.
Have your husband take over and have him explain to her that you can’t take calls at work.
I’m truly sorry you’re all going through this stressful time - I look forward to the time when there’s a cure - or prevention - for dementia and Alzheimer’s.

Your dd is actually allowed to answer her phone when it is convenient for her to do so. If ever, if it suits her.

Your mil is very manipulative, calling you at work, crying etc. I can't stand this kind of behaviour.

I think the transition from the Parent/Child dynamic is hard enough, but its got worse since generally people are having kids later. I have a 12 year old (youngest of 6) and am carer to my parents in their 70's with health issues at the same time. That seems to be a more common scenario in recent years.

I think that saying it in blunt terms will bring it into focus, good or bad. "You call me when you need childcare but I need an afternoon off you wont help me with Dad and it makes me think that you only call me when you need something". Hopefully they dont realise how selfish they are being and will step up and if they dont, well you dont have to help them either.

AgeUK (or whatever it is called now, I am old I cant remember!) and the Dementia charities can help with respite and other support. Day care respite was a life saver when we went through this with my Grandmother. Take care xx

Even if I hadn’t been at work I would be pretty annoyed at being called by my MIL with urgency because my DD was not responding quickly enough to her calls and she felt snubbed.

But if it’s a one off, I don’t think bringing it up again serves any purpose. I would perhaps suggest to DH that he starts keeping an eye out for other issues, because the urgency sounds like a sudden change in behaviour. And if you know she’s struggling with FiL, mentioning to DH (or taking it on yourself if you have an independent relationship that makes you want to) that she probably needs more attention would be good.

It may not be a social club, but it's not a prison either, not everyone can take calls in work time, fair enough, but most can deal with phone calls and messages during breaks, like OP did.

I can't follow everything you're saying about where you work, but if it is so bad that you have your 'arse handed to you' by dealing with personal issues in your personal break time, then a worried MIL is probably the least of your problems, it sounds like a shit place to work.

Dd should have called her..she just wanted to wish her a nice time.
Treat her Kindle it might be you one day in her situation.

Yanbu. I can’t easily take work calls. It’s not forbidden but it’s unprofessional and I could have a patient complaint from it. Next time don’t answer phone. If she can get texts on kindle send a canned response…at work talk to you later. I didn’t see your DD’s age but I’m sure she’s busy and excited for trip and just put off DGM. I have done that myself when I don’t want to make small talk and want to be focused. A lot of assumptions have been made about FIL on this thread. Maybe she is lonely/overwhelmed or maybe she’s just demanding and inpatient. I had to break my DH from the frequent phone calling habit. If I’m upstairs I’m not going downstairs to answer the phone to hear you say….whatcha doing??? I will call you back when I’m near phone. Jeez my DM talked to DF once a day at most!! unless MIL has dementia I think it’s very reasonable to verbally remind her…we are not tethered to our phones. We are at work or busy. We will call you back when we can sometime later in the day. Call only if it’s an emergency. Additional help etc for FIL is a whole other issue and best handled by DH. I find people who call repeatedly/ text / facebook tend to be demanding and unrealistic and think everyone is at the beck and call of their phone.

Caring for a partner with dementia is very hard and in my experience bloody lonely. I can easily go for days without a sensible conversation of any sort. It would mean the world to me if my adult kids took 5 minutes out of their day to speak to me or maybe popped in once in a while. They find me pretty fast if they want childcare but I rarely have contact otherwise. I have tried to talk to them about how hard it is but they blank me. He's not too bad yet, good days and bad but aside from the daily trials of living with someone who had the memory of a goldfish, the thought of what is to come is bloody terrifying. I really could do with just a bit of moral support. None of them ever asks about him or shows any concern for how I manage. Maybe your DH needs to up his game a bit

I noticed this with my parents when their world "shrank" for want of a better word.

Firstly during covid as my father was shielding, then after as they had already got used to not going anywhere or seeing anyone and it got worse last year when my mothers health issues led to her having to stop driving (father already couldnt drive due to sight loss).

They have nothing to compare things to. So when I dont answer straight away, even though I put my shifts of their calendar, I get a panicked voicemail asking if me and the kids are ok. Its all they have, its all they think about. They have no frame of reference that tells them "Its only been half an hour!"

I get it, it comes from love, but FUCK ME its annoying! I say to my boss "I am sorry, I have to call my parents", she understands I am their main carer, and it turns out that its because the water pressure is a bit low and they need to know if mine is the same but because I didnt answer, me and the kids have probably been slaughtered by an axe murderer.

I think your MIL has very little apart from FIL to focus on now, and talking to you probably feels like her only contact with the outside world. I get it, I really do. But I think patience and understanding is the best way to handle this.

Sounded a lonely MIL. And she should be dealing with your DH, not you.

I agree. I think MIL needs support and is showing severe anxiety which is pretty common in carers who are overwhelmed

Until you’ve walked the path of caring for a LO with dementia it’s impossible to realize what it’s like and it must be so hard when it’s your husband /wife. No wonder she’s easily upset and crying. If she has a breakdown / burn out there’ll be more to worry about than phone calls at work.

I'm bemused by the 'why don't you answer her calls at work crowd'. United there was a blue light emergency of her my arse handed to me b fruit answering personal calls at work. It's not a a social club, it's a workplace... I've got understanding colleagues and I'm an understanding manager but answering a call because a relative can't instantly get hold of an another relative without the reason being they needed tho get hold of them.to impart emergency news would be very wtf?!

@Candy155320 do you like your MIL

Honestly I’d be pretty peeved if someone called my work unless it was an emergency. I don’t have a direct line so they would call reception and someone would come find me. School calling to say we think your child may have broken their wrist, totally fine. Mother in law calling for a whine and a moan absolutely not ok.

Get your DH to have a chat and ensure he is her first port of call in future.

Blimey ..She’s elderly and caring for someone with dementia . Have a bit of heart!

I’d leave it. The poor woman is caring for someone with dementia and it’s her husband so she’s lost that close companionship . She probably feels isolated and depressed. Maybe see if she needs some help. It’s really hard to live with someone who has dementia.

I'd go around with DH hand have a chat about how she's coping.

I wouldn't like to have to be the main carer for anyone with Dementia, especially without respite.

Has anything changed for her at home like DFIL getting up at night or becoming aggressive?

Has she got Attendance Allowance for him, a cleaner and a gardener too and is she in touch with her local Carers Hub?

I know I said cut her some slack earlier but when I return to my phone after a few hours to see that number of voicemails & messages, I automatically panic. With your dad unwell, I can imagine you thought the worst. You don't need that, you really don't. I didn't realise she'd made all those attempts and I apologise if I sounded dismissive earlier.

If this is the first time she's bothered you at work, simply remind her that you only have access to your phone at breaks, so she can't expect you to answer.

And then either you or your DH needs to check on her mental health. She's clearly highly stressed and anxious. This isn't repeat normal behaviour, so she needs checking on. Does she get any respite from her caring role?

This.

OP, is this out of character for your MIL?

Do you think she is coping?

It all sounds like complete and utter bollocks and I'd have zero patience with it.

Its not about your DD i feel OP. I think MIL has anxiety. This could be result of caring for someone with Alzheimer's/dementia. She sounds overwhelmed therefore anxiety. Sounds like she needs outside support with FIL