Was MIL being unreasonable to phone me at work

I get on very well with my MIL but right from the start I referred all enquiries to my DH
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I'd be annoyed if my MIL behaved like that. I wouldn't entertain it. I'm with you on this one!

Sounds like she is really struggling, maybe affecting her emotional wellbeing, she has reached out to you, maybe speak with her gently to see if there is more to the story?

If she’s caring for someone with Dementia , she probably stressed and strained in every way.

I would cut her some slack.

I don't see what the huge problem is.

MIL phones her DIL just once at work. It is the only time this has ever happened and yet the OP created a thread about it. Shit happens in life, especially when you've got family. In the whole scheme of things this is very, very minor shit indeed and if it's all she's got to worry about she's very lucky. She did not get the sack or disciplined and she is still alive.

I can't believe the grandaughter couldn't answer her phone once to her GM who wanted to wish her a happy holiday. That's the sort of thing grandparents do and MIL, with all her problems, needed that connection/comfort.

The MIL is caring for her husband with dementia. That's tough, soul destroying, isolating and bloody frightening. At best there is a lack of understanding around her emotional distress on this thread and at worst there is complete dismissal because of ageism.

If the person calling had been a 21 year old in a bit of a state about something, I feel sure the responses would be much kinder.

He’s too busy with his Big Important Man Job

I mean - it sounds stressful all round. She's probably very overwhelmed with everything - if you dont want her calling you anymore just tell her to call her son.

She shouldn't have called you at work, but you should have some compassion because taking care of someone with dementia is unbelievably difficult and stressful. Let it go and tell dh he needs to make sure his parents have respite care because she needs help.

It sounds as though she was very overwrought and just needed to talk to someone. I am in my 70s and widowed, I have 2 sisters and a brother I can ring. Sometimes for no particular reason, I feel I need to talk to someone, and when you can't contact anyone it must be quite distressing. It does sound unreasonable, but she must feel very alone at times, caring for some one with dementia is really hard. 'Turning on the water works' sounds rather harsh from you, unless she is in the habit of demanding attention in this manner.

My MIL is like this - lots of did you get my message or tell DH to check his messages texts - almost always about non time sensitive stuff. I've realised recently she's on the spectrum and has issues with impulse control and regulating her temperament - if something is on her mind she needs it played out straight away. Vexing but i try to be kind about it while trying not to respond too quickly on non time sensitive stuff. Your MIL was totally unreasonable and you should get DH to talk to her. People have busy lives and you should not be disturbed at work in a non EMERGENCY situation

MIL could she have sent a text to your DD to wish her a happy holiday instead ?

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum yeah, there is that. I guess it's BC she feels closer to OP than her son? But she does sound rather dramatic and OTT.
My mates MiL was like that, constantly calling her and moaning about stuff, but her own son wouldn't even take her calls!?

Wow she seems really intense!

If she phoned you because she was worried that DD had an accident, then it would be ok.

But it is absolutely not ok to phone over this!

I cannot have my phone on me at work either and my teenage DD has rang the office for something minor before.
I had to remind her that things like that she can text me or ring my mobile and I’ll reply at lunchtime if after work and that the office phone is for emergencies only as it’s not easy for me to get to the office.

I would definitely speak to MIL it and say that you cannot always get to the work phone or if someone else answered and took a message then you may panic and worry.

Tell her to only phone the work phone if it’s an emergency that means you need to leave work.
If not, ring DH (her son!) or your mobile and you’ll ring her back.

She is an adult and needs to know that it’s not ok and this isn’t normal behaviour.
I wouldn’t be angry though as she may not fully understand, especially if she’s never worked.

Is she always this intense?
I feel sorry for your DD as it’s quite unhealthy.

I wonder why she didn't harass her son at work if she just wanted to talk to someone? 🤔

She sounds like she's having a hard time and really wanted someone to talk to. I understand it's annoying that she called you at work but it's hardly the crime of the century.
Just gently say 'please just text me and I'll ring you as soon as I'm on break. Work are really strict now about phones, in fact I'm not even supposed to have given you my work number. Except for an emergency. Sorry, But my boss is really weird about phones'.

This. She’s not going through a great time but that’s not anyone else’s fault. Her behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud

My friend works in elderly care and her advice was great when I had issues with my dad.

She said we have to accept that thought processes change and that what is minor to us (and probably would have been to them 10 years ago) takes on a greater importance.
I have heard similar things from colleagues dealing with older parents with increased anxiety over very small things.

I would tell her that it's hard for you to take calls at work but be gentle. I also imagine that there was a degree of your daughter not wanting to deal with her. Surely she has time to text back between the car and running a bath? In reality she probably knew she'd ring and it would take a while so get it from her perspective too.

It's clearly not OP who is creating the drama. Some people bring the drama however you try to shut it down.

I don’t get the drama, surely just a quick, ‘oh, I thought as you’d called me at work it was an emergency’ said at the time would have been a good way to communicate.

it is annoying being called at work, but you don’t need to escalate any further with her.

Sounds like MIL has a lot on her plate, and overthinking/worrying that dd was ignoring her to the point she had to know what was wrong. I would be a bit annoyed she called me at work but more concerned about reassuring her none of you would ever fall out with her, love her very much and try not to stress when she can't get hold of any of you, it will only mean busy never any issues.

If you can gently say please do not call at work again as you then panicked about and emergency and you can get into trouble. And also encourage dh and dd to pick up any call/phone back immediately even if just to say "i cant talk just now but will call you later"

Your DD is old enough so I assume your Mil is being in your life for years, if she is always being like this, you go your answer. If not, your husband is correct, she is really struggling.
Can you, the three of you, with special mentioning of your husband help her a bit. She may just looking for a no dementia conversation or she may want some words of support or help somehow.
Dementia is very draining not only for the person who suffer it.

People do silly things in distress. I wouldn't mention it and I wouldn't lecture her.

Jesus some of these responses! Not everyone can take calls at work, not every missed call needs to be responded to within minutes and the MIL was being manipulative and unfair. OP your DH needs to nip this in the bud as it's ridiculous behaviour.

MIL needs friends to talk to and for support

Of course. But they'll have disappeared faster than the friends in the widow thread.
And where is she going to find the time to see friends? To go to any groups? To socialise with anyone? There's no way any of her friends are going to visit her and sit with her demented husband while chatting to her
Looking after her DH 24/7 doen't allow for any of that. And her friends won't appreciate distressed and depressing calls any more than OP does.

It's a hellish world she's in. The only thing that OP can do is remind her that she can't be contacted during working hours. And help her find respite care.

Your DH needs a proper chat to her about how he can help get her some support so she isn’t relying on the wrong people.

Hey family aren't the wrong people, FFS. She just called at the wrong time.

As a once off I would cut her some slack.
Your DD was busy.
Is your husband stepping up and being supportive of his mother?
If not, he needs to.

MIL needs friends to talk to and for support. She can’t rely on younger busy family to drop everything and chat to her. She’s probably feeling lonely and isolated but telling you all off for not giving her attention isn’t the way to express that.

Your DH needs a proper chat to her about how he can help get her some support so she isn’t relying on the wrong people.