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Original poster

Did I put my foot in it with colleague

132 replies

Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 15:11

I work in a team where we're all kinda fairly young and have a good laugh. There's a guy in the team who's very young, early 20s and he likes to be the clown of the group in a way. People rib him in an endearing way and he's definitely known as the joker of the group.

Anyway he's on leave ATM but has been sending occasional pictures and updates to our work group chat.

I texted him briefly saying, hope you're having an amazing time, stay safe, we miss you!
He replied briefly saying thanks will do, and that's all.

A couple of hours later another guy in the team messaged on our group chat saying to him 'Are you still alive?"

He didn't reply for a bit and I put in a jokey way "Yeah I can confirm I heard from him earlier and all's good".

About 20 minutes later I got a private message from him telling me not to do that again, and that he will do it in his own time. He said it was not my place and then a few other things I just skimmed over as I deleted the message out of embarrassment.

I apologised and said I totally understand. I know from a mental health point of view there's more than meets the eye and he can occasionally seem quite irritable and withdrawn.

Anyway I've no intention of saying anything else or messaging. Does it sound like I put my foot in it?

OP posts:
ArchaeoSpy · 29/05/2024 19:20

@Hayfevercandie sounds like he wants to keep your personal communication's, secret

MargaretThursday · 29/05/2024 19:08

Having been in a chat where something similar happened (answering for someone else in a way that they'd clearly been in PM touch) it did come across as they were trying to, I'm going to say "claim possession" of them. ie no one else is as close as I am because we have a private chat.

It was more than once though, and it wasn't just the chat that made it feel that way either, it was also the way they behaved f2f too.

I'm sure you didn't mean it like that but I wonder if that was how he felt.

Original poster
Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 18:59

greenpolarbear · 29/05/2024 18:57

I honestly wouldn't be giving other colleague's numbers out, it could backfire badly. Especially when people are involved who clearly like to have a go.

Show quote history

I did ask the other colleague for permission and he said yeah, that's fine. But lessons learned 🤣

OP posts:
greenpolarbear · 29/05/2024 18:57

Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 17:05

I don't often message him privately, he messaged me about 3 days ago asking for our colleague's number as he wants to keep in touch whilst away, and then I sent him that msg but honestly won't be doing so anymore, we're all different but I guess it shows you never know how people will react and people can be offended at different things.

I honestly wouldn't be giving other colleague's numbers out, it could backfire badly. Especially when people are involved who clearly like to have a go.

AzureSheep · 29/05/2024 18:41

Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 16:45

I'm sure it'll be forgotten in a couple of days :)

He had a go at a different colleague because X colleague joked he's a stats whizz and always exceeds his targets. The guy addressed him publicly telling him we all work at different paces and that he's no right bringing that up.

Probably just felt embarrassed/wanted to be modest understandably however this colleague got a similar 'dressing down!'

Sorry, this prick is 13 years younger than you and thinks he gets to tell people what they can and can’t do? He sounds like a contemptuous and patronising arse. Don’t give him a second thought.

Original poster
Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 18:40

fatphalange · 29/05/2024 18:37

Hmm I can see how it came across a bit wanky from him but fuck knows what's going on in his life for you to have confirmed that 'all is good with him' especially knowing he's off on leave and has MH issues. I'd just think, 'ok, noted!' and move on.

I see what you mean but he's gone on holiday and has been posting pictures etc. About it. Anyway definitely won't be messaging again!

OP posts:
fatphalange · 29/05/2024 18:37

Hmm I can see how it came across a bit wanky from him but fuck knows what's going on in his life for you to have confirmed that 'all is good with him' especially knowing he's off on leave and has MH issues. I'd just think, 'ok, noted!' and move on.

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 29/05/2024 18:33

Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 15:13

He basically said 'Do not ever message on behalf of me'

I'd have been tempted to reply 'Please don't ever police my messaging.'

diddl · 29/05/2024 18:33

I can see his point although I think he handled it badly.

I'm guessing that the "are you dead" sender wasn't desperately in need of reassurance that everything was OK.

So you jumping in seemed unnecessary.

I suppose he didn't want your chats as friends & the group colleague chats to overlap.

AffIt · 29/05/2024 18:22

Actually, yes, I think you were wrong: I used to have a 'friendly' older colleague who used to talk ahead of me a lot and at the time (bear in mind this was a long time before IM platforms such as WhatsApp or Teams) I thought they were just doing me a solid.

With hindsight, it did feel demeaning and patronising, as though I was a child who couldn't reliably speak on their own behalf.

It still rankles me slightly when I think about it now, in my mid-40s.

As others have said, just leave it: you've obviously touched a nerve and for the good of your working and personal relationship, I think it would be best to take a step back.

LakeTiticaca · 29/05/2024 18:21

Why do people use mental health as an excuse for rudeness? He sounds like a tosser. I would not be engaging with him again in any way, shape or form. Unless it's strictly work related

jennylamb1 · 29/05/2024 18:16

Seems like 'he is the drama.'

Original poster
Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 18:14

ginasevern · 29/05/2024 18:12

He sounds like a prick. He may also have been afraid someone would think you were more than just friends, especially with the age difference. I'd handle him very differently from now on.

Yeah maybe, but everyone seems to know there's absolutely nothing between us. They also knew I knew him beforehand from another department. But indeed I've zero intention of speaking to him now, whether privately or on the group chat.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 29/05/2024 18:12

He sounds like a prick. He may also have been afraid someone would think you were more than just friends, especially with the age difference. I'd handle him very differently from now on.

Cattery · 29/05/2024 18:10

He sounds a prickly pain in the neck. There’s usually one

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 29/05/2024 18:09

He sounds like a nutter. Bet he wouldn't tell off one of your male colleagues like that. I'd avoid messaging him again, tbh.

AFanOfTinyBiscuits · 29/05/2024 18:03

Not your place?! Very OTT, he needs to get over himself.

Original poster
Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 17:05

I don't often message him privately, he messaged me about 3 days ago asking for our colleague's number as he wants to keep in touch whilst away, and then I sent him that msg but honestly won't be doing so anymore, we're all different but I guess it shows you never know how people will react and people can be offended at different things.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 29/05/2024 17:04

Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 15:21

Yeah I discussed it with another colleague who said the guy's being an idiot

Your colleague is right.

There was absolutely no need for that response.

I wouldn't be messaging him privately anymore

Icehockeyflowers · 29/05/2024 17:01

Tagyoureit · 29/05/2024 15:14

Sounds like he was attention seeking and you ruined it by answering for him. He has a lot of growing up to do.
Forget it, you've apologised so nothing more to do or say.

This.

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2024 16:58

I'd nickname him Mariah

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2024 16:58

He sounds like a complete diva

Itsallsostressful · 29/05/2024 16:57

Sounds like you have a Drama Lhama on your hands !!

Sue152 · 29/05/2024 16:53

He sounds like an attention seeking dick to me.

Original poster
Hayfevercandie · 29/05/2024 16:50

Gazelda · 29/05/2024 16:47

I'd mute the chat now. No need to feed the drama.

However, I think you were out of line to talk about this with another colleague. He messaged you privately and you've shared that convo.

If I were your team leader, I'd be encouraging you all to reduce the chat during work hours. I'm all for a friendly team atmosphere, but when it goes wrong (as it has here) it can impact negatively on the job you're supposed to be doing.

You are right, I was just upset and felt in the wrong, so I confided in a colleague about it.

It's just a group WhatsApp chat, there are no issues with that usually, it's normally fine. I think it should carry on, but I'll give this person a wide berth for now as it could be risky.

OP posts: