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Original poster

Telling in-laws about pregnancy at a milestone birthday?

130 replies

GoldSquare · 29/05/2024 14:34

So 100% get not announcing a pregnancy at a wedding/someone else’s event etc. But this is in-laws we are travelling up to see for an informal birthday event, but a milestone birthday. Event isn’t the day of birthday and is a drop in/out type thing. We want to tell them first before other family members, so wondering how it would go down if we told them at a time there was no one else there apart from us? They wouldn’t have to tell anyone else, or would it over shadow their day? We are travelling on afterwards and won’t see them in person for another few months maybe so it would be over the phone if not then.
YABU - don’t tell them in person, wait and tell them over the phone
YANBU - tell them if you see them with no one else there

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 01/06/2024 21:52

Congratulations! I’d definitely tell them in person as you planned. It is still something really special, no matter if they have other grandkids. I hope they are delighted with the news.

1mabon · 01/06/2024 21:33

It's their day. Telephone them when you return home, they will be delighted and pleased that you didn't take the shine off their day.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 01/06/2024 21:27

Elclr · 29/05/2024 16:58

It's up to you, and only you will know how they might feel.

But my 30th birthday lunch was used to announce two of my friends were expecting. About an hour after I pretended I needed something from my car and went outside and cried.

Yes, I was over the moon for them. Utterly delighted. But I really was so excited for this after years of thwir weddings etc, and it took all the shine away and the conversation was completely about babies, pregnancy symptoms and little else. They didn't mean it to happen I'm sure, but it did.

I wasn't angry at either of them, and didn't ever tell them. But I never think of that lunch with any fondness or happiness at all.

Edited

I had similar happen on my 30th. I’m really sorry - I remember the feeling all too well.

Imisssleep2 · 01/06/2024 21:12

I would personally prefer to do in person and if you do with just them, it wouldn't be like you were stealing their thunder. You could even make it into like a present, like a copy of the scan wrapped up or something. It is then yours and their choice if you tell anyone else at that time or not. I would imagine they would be over joyed by the news not annoyed you announce it to them at this time.

Panicking23 · 01/06/2024 20:53

Most parents I know would be massively offended not to be told in person if there's opportunity to do so, plus being amongst the last to know.
I vote tell them in person and the card is a lovely idea, I think the only way they'd react poorly to that is if they're quite uptight and stuffy and thrive on being the centre of attention which I'm sure you and your DH will know.

ReallyNotTheTime · 01/06/2024 20:27

Your plan sounds fine to me!

It’s nothing like what happened to us. My SIL announced her pregnancy at my son’s ADOPTION celebration. Yep, after we had unsuccessfully tried to conceive ourselves, gone through all sorts of treatment, eventually come to terms with the fact it wouldn’t happen for us, then went through the gruelling process of being assessed and then approved to adopt, then waiting to be matched with a child, then meet him, then apply to court for him to be ours permanently. We finally had our little day in court with the adoption order being granted with no issues thankfully, so we arranged a family meal for afterwards in a private room in a lovely hotel. And she did that. Then. On that day, of all days. I never forgave her. I shouldn’t have been surprised but I didn’t think even she could stoop so low. It’s the one and only time my lovely dad has heard me swear, amid angry tears. I still feel the same now… How fucking dare she?

And breathe…! Sorry, it brought it all back!

You’re doing nothing like this OP! Honestly, it’s fine.

Busby88 · 01/06/2024 20:08

I think given you seem quite put out with people telling you a phone call is fine, you may also be disappointed if they don’t give you an OTT positive reaction. That and the fact your DH wants to tell them on the phone and they’re his parents means that you should probably do that!

FWIW we told my MIL on the phone and she asked what we were going to do…. As if we were a teenage / new couple not a couple in our 30s TTC. She admitted later it was just the shock and felt awful and we can laugh about it now but at the time it really wasn’t funny!

WillowKC · 01/06/2024 19:39

Not quite sure what I’ve been reading! Unless you know otherwise about certain personality traits, I can’t imagine there being any sort of issue with telling them the lovely news in person - birthday or no birthday. It’s not like you’re planning on standing up and making an announcement just as the candles have been lit and everyone is poised for a round of Happy Birthday!! I know my mum and mother in law in particular would have absolutely LOVED the grandparent card idea with a scan photo. Many happy tears I’m sure. It would have made their birthdays.
Mine would be more upset knowing I’d reached 16 weeks, seen them in person and not told them. Especially if they were then one of the last to know when I eventually got round to phoning them.

Cliedi · 01/06/2024 19:00

Bloody hell people are miserable on here!!

Get there early and surprise them with the wonderful news. Any decent people would be delighted at the news that their son’s wife is expecting their first child, even if it is their millionth grandchild and it would make the birthday even more special. And if they are not the kind of person who loves all their grandchildren equally and is happy about a new one.. well fuck them! They deserve a little birthday buzz kill.

NoThanksymm · 01/06/2024 18:44

Your husbands family. His choice!

can you do it after the festivities? So it’s all about them, then they get a bonus?

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2024 17:41

GoldSquare · 29/05/2024 18:58

I’ve been told by at least 2 posters that I’m sulking 😂 I am not one for wanting to be the centre of attention. I am not having a gender reveal surrounded by cannons, have already said I don’t want a baby shower etc. Like a few posters have said, I genuinely didn’t see handing over a simple card as making it a big deal. Not too far off saying “we’re having a baby”. But apparently that is attention seeking. Was something talked about with DH. Thank you for the arm chair psychology @LoisFarquar about my over the top reactions? It was DH’s idea to wait to tell them next week as thought it was the thing to do in person. Had a little wobble this morning that maybe shouldn’t do it.

I just genuinely thought people of that generation would consider it rude to be told something like that over the phone when you are seeing them in person, just them a few days later. I have been told.

Not announcing it in front of guests. Just when the 4 of us. Not telling other people. Don’t care if they start cart wheeling or just say as you put it that’s nice dear. I don’t mind if we wait a few months to tell them seeing them next time at non birthday, makes no difference to me. DH just felt that as everyone would know by then except them should just tell them in the phone if not the etiquette to tell them in person.

Genuinely thought this would be the news people would want to hear in person not on the phone, but hey MN has spoken.

I've had a mixture of 'tells' with my DGC

Face-to-face
Over the phone

Didn't care. Was delighted each time

Hb7x3 · 01/06/2024 17:20

Someone I know purposely went to Disneyland to photograph their positive pregnancy test outside the magic castle thing, and then got people to scroll through their holiday photos so the test popped up in one.... so I think a grandparent card is quite low key compared to that 😂

gingercat02 · 01/06/2024 16:40

We told the in-laws at Christmas because we were there and I wasn't drinking, so we sort of had to. I was only 8 weeks. Told my parents on Skype (long time ago) on Christmas day.

Goldiefinch · 01/06/2024 16:06

I would probably tell them afterwards on the phone. You never know how someone is going to react to a pregnancy reaction and this is a milestone birthday. Even if they aren’t having a big party they are celebrating it how they wish and it is still about them. You should respect that. plus if they don’t react how you expect them to your news that might impact your enjoyment of the day, which might be apparent to others.
tell them afterwards - they might ask why you didn’t tell them when you saw them but you can explain that you didn’t want to steal the limelight on their big day.

Dartwarbler · 01/06/2024 15:59

GoldSquare · 29/05/2024 14:53

Haven’t you wanted to tell someone in real life something rather than over the phone? If we’re telling them on the phone then it will be afterwards. We’ll just tell the other people as planned when we’ve gone onto see them afterwards, they are people I want to tell in person and that is a fixed time point that we’re seeing them after the event.

Show quote history

I’d tell them just before you’re leaving at the end of the celebration. You’re not taking limelight away as you’re leaving anyway, and it’s a positive note (or should be 🤷🏼‍♀️😱) to leave on. Say to them you wanted to tell them in person, but not distract form birthday celebrations felt it was best to do this.
if they then need time to process then that’s fine you’ll be on your way. If they’re delighted that’s a lovely note to leave on .
dont give them a card and congratulate them. It YOU that is pregnant, not them, not even your partner. It’s weird to present them with a card and indicates your pe forcing them into celebrating…the babies not born yet, let them go at their own pace please. If they’re delighted you can send them something silly when you all are back home as a follow up.
dont make it a big deal.
you’re pregnant, theres is unfortunately a lot of things that can happen and they’ve been there and done that. They’ll be way more interested in meeting an actual baby in some months time than by your news now. Especially if it’s not a first gc.

Stoptheworldiwanttogetoff · 01/06/2024 15:50

I don’t really understand the negativity of some of the posters on this thread. I think it sounds like a lovely idea for your PIL to receive a card on their birthday from their new incoming grandchild and I think it’s a lovely way to tell them. The number of GC they already have should be irrelevant. My grandma on her birthday received a bib and some dummies as a gift from her daughter and was very confused until she realised what they meant. There were already nearly a dozen of us grandkids already but she was still over the moon about this news and it was the best birthday present she could have received.

Springchickenonion · 01/06/2024 14:14

Tell them when you see them. You don't have to do it in front of others. Then if you are happy for them to share and they want to then that's great. If not then they know and is also a present

Redmat · 01/06/2024 14:12

I would love to hear the news if I was your parents . It would make the celebration even better. I don't understand at all why it would have to be told in a phone call.

LlynTegid · 30/05/2024 08:47

Do it separately, perhaps even a phone call beforehand.

Much as I don't do the nonsense of 'big birthdays' as all are 24 hours long.

Worsthotel · 30/05/2024 08:41

I should have thought most parents would be delighted to get that news as a "birthday present". I agree you shouldn't announce at a large party gathering, but privately I'm sure they'd be thrilled.

Itsonlymashadow · 30/05/2024 08:05

Since it’s dhs parents I am not sure why you aren’t just telling them The way DH thinks is best.

MultiplaLight · 30/05/2024 07:53

I think it would be lovely to tell them face to face.

Why is your DH worried about their reaction, that is the bit that concerns me the most.

Surely telling them before everyone gets there means they can choose to share the news or not?

I get the not overshadowing thing but it's not a wedding where you're making an announcement. We got engaged on MILs birthday (morning of and told her later) she was overjoyed!

GreenTeaLikesMe · 30/05/2024 07:46

Elclr · 29/05/2024 16:58

It's up to you, and only you will know how they might feel.

But my 30th birthday lunch was used to announce two of my friends were expecting. About an hour after I pretended I needed something from my car and went outside and cried.

Yes, I was over the moon for them. Utterly delighted. But I really was so excited for this after years of thwir weddings etc, and it took all the shine away and the conversation was completely about babies, pregnancy symptoms and little else. They didn't mean it to happen I'm sure, but it did.

I wasn't angry at either of them, and didn't ever tell them. But I never think of that lunch with any fondness or happiness at all.

Edited

I'm confused. Were you trying to concieve at the time?

CheeseWisely · 30/05/2024 07:35

Gladtobeout · 29/05/2024 23:24

I don't really understand the overshadowing or stealing the limelight thing. A friend shared her pregnancy on my birthday - my automatic reaction was to tell her that it was that it made it my best birthday ever because I was so happy for them. But then during my wedding speech I made sure we sang happy birthday to a friend and congratulated a newly engaged couple too.

Big events like milestone birthdays and weddings are for celebrating with loved ones. If you can't be happy for them then why did you invite them?

I agree with this. I'm absolutely baffled by the poster below who went off and cried at her own 30th lunch because some friends were expecting a baby (assuming no backstory that she was struggling to conceive herself at the time).

I had a 40th party last year and can't imagine that great news from any of the invitees (all people I love and value) would have been anything other than great news and simply more to celebrate. I want good things for my family and friends, even when those good things overlap with my own good things!

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2024 03:00

My ILs and my Mother would all have been absolutely delighted to get news of an impending grandchild during an in person visit for a milestone birthday. It would be a wonderful birthday present. That is actually how I would tell them, by handing over a small birthday gift before the real one.

my father would find a way to make it into something negative, but he finds a way to turn everything into something negative so it wouldn’t matter. We just ignore him when making plans.