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AIBU?

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Does anyone spend family days with their ex?

53 replies

Ducksgalore · 29/05/2024 14:18

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship, and whilst I think the co-parenting and the civility in front of her is great, am I being unreasonable in not being comfortable or happy about "family days" that they spend together?

For background context, from long before the start of our relationship, he never spent these "family days" with his ex. At the Easter weekend, his ex asked to spend the day together as nursery was closed. It was also in the rota that my partners daughter was spending that weekend with us, and both of us were off work, and the plans were for us to do things together that weekend, albeit the activities were at that point undecided.

Without hesitation or thought, my partner said yes to his ex. He then sat on it until before bed to tell me about it. He also said that if I didn't want him to, he would make something up and not do it. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and would prefer that he didn't do it, but the more I expressed this the more he dug his heels in. He went, spent the day and had zero communication with me for the entire day.

I understand the need to spend certain points together, like the morning of her first day of school, but I don't feel there's a need to be spending these 10hr days together that he hadn't done since long before our relationship started. It's something that keeps coming up and is driving a wedge between us.

OP posts:
Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 29/05/2024 14:25

VeniceVentura · 29/05/2024 14:21

We have friends like this. They divorced, but he would do things like take them all on a picnic for Mother's Day or cook her a Sunday roast with a lovely bottle of red for her birthday 'on behalf of the kids'...including eating it with them. Plus Christmas days with the ex-in-laws etc.

I mean I'm all up for very amicable co-parenting, but I think it blurs boundaries for the kids and new partners.

Yep. Very, very much so. Especially when they’re incommunicado for the entirety of the time they’re playing happy families.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 29/05/2024 14:24

I know some people who do this but they always did it and the breakup was mutual. The new partners and children (step and half) are also invited.

I know one couple who did this but the child ended up resenting the new partners. By playing happy families when they are not, it can give the impression that the new partners are the barrier to the original family being together. As you say, there are occasions when the parents may attend together but a general family fun day is not one of those times.

VeniceVentura · 29/05/2024 14:21

We have friends like this. They divorced, but he would do things like take them all on a picnic for Mother's Day or cook her a Sunday roast with a lovely bottle of red for her birthday 'on behalf of the kids'...including eating it with them. Plus Christmas days with the ex-in-laws etc.

I mean I'm all up for very amicable co-parenting, but I think it blurs boundaries for the kids and new partners.