for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

DH is same age as me, but hasn't worked since being made redundant 10 years ago. He started drawing a pension from work at 55 and I still work full time at 61 - asked for reduced hours at work, but the request was rejected. I'll probably work full time for another 2-3 years. It doesn't bother me that DH isn't working - he does most of the cooking and shopping now which means I also have more time to myself. I might feel differently if I still had to do that around full time work though.

Not unreasonable at all, I would hate this too. If you can afford to stop working then you should find a way to make that happen, life is too short.

TBH this is far deeper an issue than just who works till when.

If you can't discuss and agree your future, where you each compromise and come to an arrangement you are both happy with, it's not much of a marriage.

You've only got yourself to blame if you are bored with your work. That's not down to him and even if you did give up a 'high flying' role to care for your children, you're now 55 and have had time to make changes.

Both of you need to sit down and talk properly.
About what you want from your job (maybe a different one?)
How much income you need as a couple both now and when you retire.
If you don't want to work but can afford not to, do that.
If you can't then you're going to have to work for some time until either he gets his state pension , you get your occupational pension, or you really cut back on your outgoings now.

It really just depends on if as a couple you need your income. Dh and I are mid 50's, he works and I don't. He couldn't care less what I do as long as I'm happy.

Spoiler: he just got his pension last month. He has been living off her income for five years.

Interesting point.

Would you say the same about a woman who stayed at home as a 'home maker' or a full time mum?

In a marriage, if one person doesn't earn anything, do we say they are 'living off' the working spouse?

We don't know what he's done since he was made redundant. maybe he was renovating the house or doing most of the chores.

Not saying he was, but it's intriguing that some posters consider a non-earning spouse a kind of sponger.

That IS interesting!

Why is it okay for your DH to work until he is 60 but not you?

At the end of the day @MrsPuddle it's your decision when you retire. It's unfortunate for him that his decision was taken out of his hands, but it's not for him to then take control of when YOU retire. Sure, in a marriage, you discuss things, of course and there are times when you do not agree. This is one of those times, and it doesn't mean he gets to make the final decision. This is your life, your career/job, your retirement, your decision.

You really need to read the OP’s update.

Spoiler: he just got his pension last month. He has been living off her income for five years.

The op did?

Intriguing!

The important thing is to tell him you feel like his pension is his and not yours and how this doesn’t feel like a partnership right now when you’ve been supporting him for 5 years since he got made redundant. If he means this he should have gotten a part time job instead of being a relationship taker.

In a post you made last year you mentioned being bored with early retirement and said you were looking for a new job

I've seen that a few times on here and it's absolutely bizarre.
Like pension is just fun money and it's not part of the family income.

There was a thread a few months back where a poster had very young children with her older partner and he had just got some money from his pension and people were saying the same, that it was his money that he earned by working hard.....apparently it didn't need to be used as family money even though he had very young kids.

A very strange attitude.

Aren't we usually told on here how privileged the man is to go out and do the big job while the wife stays home? 🤣

This is your opportunity to wallow in privilege, OP.

My DH is 8 years older than me and he retired early when we paid off the mortgage. It also enabled me to go part time and this works for us. I want to retire at 60 though if I can so that we can have quality time together before either of us (but probably him) starts getting serious health issues as he will be late 60s then. If I wait until 67 to retire I feel that's too late for both of us.

Then it's a bit bloody outrageous that he's "retired" early and does things like lads holidays if he's had no income!!! Not really retired though has he, been unemployed until he got his pension, I'd say do as you see fit under these circumstances since you've been supporting him for 5 years! And to your earlier point of course his pension is your pension if your wage was supporting him! It goes both bloody ways.

Women do want equality but each family is an economic unit. In this unit, one person enjoys free time and a good pension while the other "sits behind a screen".

Their ages do play into this and imo he should be generous to meet her half way.

My pension is the main source of retirement income for me and DH. Even though, in my view, he’s not pulled his weight domestically or financially (he’s followed his passions via self employment but never made much money but didn’t have to as my salary was enough), even I see ‘my’ pension as our money. Even if we split up I’d see it as half his.

But she took a career downturn to look after the kids?

Two families as it’s both my mothers and fathers sides. And not as uncommon as you think.

@MrsPuddle, that does sound rough.
I assume you are at least not having to do much around the home?
May I ask how he would describe what happened?

I 100% agree with you OP. In past years men would retire at 65 and women 60 so couples often retired together.

I am very close in age to DH. He’s due to retire at 55 but he wants me to retire with him even though I’ll only be 52. He wants to share our retirement. DH pension is big as he was a soldier for many years. My pension is pretty much non existent as I didn’t work when looking after children. I am now full time self employed and still look after the home and family.

We will share DH big pension. He thinks of it as OUR money not his alone. I did my part looking part looking after the home and the family and contributing a little money. DH contributed most of the money with little home or child care

Yeh, he did. He got to be married to a younger woman, and now he's making her watch him enjoy life on his good pension while she works. And if I understand right, she has already watched him enjoy his free time for FIVE YEARS.

Does he value op's wages more than having her around? It seems so. That'd turn me off him.

I can relate because DH is 14 years older and retired 2 years ago.

It is hard to plan because we didn’t know exactly what his pension would be and what our outgoings would be. We still have 2 dses at university and funded by us.

I am still working (I’m only 50 this year) but have just reduced my hours very slightly.

We have planned to a degree and have comfortable savings as well as continuing to save currently for me to retire early. I’m a nurse so only want to give up when I am absolutely sure I’m done and don’t want to return as I will have to give up my PIN. I anticipate this will be by the time I am 60.

i did work part time when our dses were little and I do remind DH I took the hit with my pension whilst he made no change to his working life and has a great pension as a result. DH forgets that regularly which irritates. On the whole though we bumble along, DH picks up the slack at home and I work very hard!

We are taking as many holidays as my annual leave allows and enjoying life now as when I am 60 DH will be 74 and we don’t know what his health will be like.

You sort of have to be on the same page but one partner retiring really changes the dynamic and it can be a really tricky transition. I certainly never expected it to be as difficult as it was. I am more used to it now but it’s taken a couple of years.

OP says herself they never discussed money or retirement - so it's not really much of an assumption, lol.

I mean, I get what you're saying about how it's easy to sleepwalk into this situation but at some point you have to take responsibility for your circumstances - you can't just sit back passively forever.