for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

Hi op,

you keep talking about yourself and hubby as a team but you also really disagree with what is happening so didn’t you discuss this?
anything at all?
he just went in retirement and you didnnt realise he wasn’t going to be working anymore while you are? Surely you weren’t expecting him to just stay home waiting for you to finish work so what is it that has you the wrong way?

this would be helpful for you to actually act on your feelings. He doesn’t seem keen on giving you part of his pension. Did you at all have a convo with a financial advisor? 55 is maybe a bit late but he might help you to get to the same standing of your man if you are ok to follow his prerogatives.

good luck!

And he does a lot more cooking and housework which is great

I'm 60, my husband is 70. I feel like he has earned his retirement, and am happy he is enjoying it.

State Pension age is currently 66 not 65

What about working part time say 3 days a week. Best of both worlds then.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable op. Especially now you've clarified that he's been living off you for the past 5 years. I think you do need a serious discussion about finances.

My H wanted to retire at 55 and live off my salary (I'm a fair bit younger). But this would mean I'd definitely have to work until 60 and possibly longer as my pension can't be taken before 60 (not without a massive hit anyway). So I've said no - he has to bring in half the bills either from pensions (they're not enough at 55) or from PT work. He's unhappy about it but I'm not prepared to support him to my detriment - especially as there's no way he'd take over the housework!

Something is wrong if he's going on lad's holidays and spending cash like there's no tomorrow.

But there's nothing wrong with you pulling your weight and working until you're 60.

So what's going on?

Even if you're working, why is the focus of any spare cash not on you and him having a lavish annual holiday? Or several mini-holidays?

And what happens at weekends? Do you get time off?

Does he pull his weight with housework? shopping? paying the bills?

Reading your post, it sounds like he's all but divorced himself from you and any responsibilities or shared life together.

So what's really going on?

I agree.

But his pension pot is not 'his' - I have two female friends who have recently got divorced from their husbands and the projected value of both husband and wife's pension pots goes into the assessment of assets - in both cases one of the spouses had to compensate the other for a substantial amount because their predicted pension pots were bigger.

YANBU OP - my husband halved his hours 10 years ago because he could and it didn't make much difference to his income - he does a lot of work in the home and our large garden instead and looks after me very well as I still work full-time. We are partners and I simply cannot understand your DH attitude here. And I would make it very clear that you will expect the same number of years enjoying yourself after retirement as others have said. No nursing duties!

DH is 3 years younger than me, worked with the council (in Scotland) and moved to, ultimately, SW. I married young, went to Uni in my 30/40's and started my career after that. He's 3 years younger than me. loves saying he's my toyboy. and retired when he was 60 as he had a better pension plan than me and, more importantly, had paid in much longer. I retire last year at 68 and we've had our differences. However, the financial side is sorted in that we put a set amount of money each into a joint account and he trusts me to manage it. The rest of our money is to do with as we please. We split the costs for holidays and take turns for buying dinner, wine, treats etc but not religiously as reckon it's swings and roundabouts. Works for us and I mange to be frugal enough to have a cash pot from the housekeeping fund for emergencies. I started a career much later in life than he did and, although it pissed me off to a certain extent, I just have to go with the flow and that's the way life is. I think you need to discuss the future with your DH and agree what you both want.

but you said you didn't take time out to raise kids, so that hypothetical is of no relevance to the situation you have posted asking people to comment on.

I was referring to cutting back on luxuries. Obviously. Because if your finances are so tight that you would have to stop buying clothes and eating enough then clearly you (as a couple) are not in a financial position for you to retire!

Retiring 13 years before state pension age is a huge luxury, which most people (including your husband) don't have. If you want this huge luxury then of course it should be you that forgoes other, smaller luxuries in order to afford it. Not ask your husband to give up his luxuries.

Yes, we are a team, which is why we discuss important things, which is why it's so weird that apparently you've only just realised that this is an issue for you and your DH 5 years into his retirement!

We aren't anywhere near retirement age, but I wouldn't be happy if, for example, he wanted me to give up having my hair cut professionally so he could buy an expensive new bike. Like I wouldn't demand he stops going out with his mates for a pint and gives the money he saves to me to buy a designer handbag. If I wanted a very expensive luxury that would be of primary benefit for me it would be for me to work out a way to pay for it, not scab off him. You don't need to retire at 55, it's a non-essential desire, so its for you to work out a way to pay for it!

My OH is only three years older than me but will likely be retired at least a decade ahead of me, thanks to his fab pension and my decidedly-less-fab ones. I know that if I want that to change, I need to start looking now at how I can improve my outlook. But while it will grate (because I know that I’ll likely still be doing the majority of the house and life admin too)…it’s my decision. Can’t begin to imagine how frustrating it is for you, though, OP - I tear my hair out already if I have to work late and I can hear my other half gaming upstairs 😂.

One thing that I think I picked out from your posts - your other half has started to draw his pension but you’ve mostly been living off your earnings for the last five years, is that right, @MrsPuddle? And your earnings will still pay more of the bills now he’s got his pension?

If so, it’s not just you that needs to drop your wage by going part time…maybe he needs to get a small part time job to help make up that shortfall - just because he’s already worked several years longer than you due to his age, doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t contribute equally. You may well be working part time well into your sixties too, to supplement your pensions.

If I got that wrong, apols…may have read too fast!

I agree with you OP, if you can afford too then you absolutely should. Life is for living and you only get one

My DH is older than me and retired five years ago. I can't retire for another five. I don't resent him, I resent the Tories for changing the retirement age. I can't change it unfortunately, as much as I'd like to so no point dwelling on it.

I retired at 60, I just slipped in before the deadline and got my state pension at 61, my husband of course was due to work until 65, but he had been seriously ill, and although he fully recovered and was fit for work, we decided he should retire too, we could manage with my state pension, plus my small local authority pension and redundancy payment as a safety net.

I am so glad we did that as we only got 5 more years, before he died of something completely different. He only enjoyed his own state pension for about 18 months!
We had a lovely 5 years, travelling to art festivals, week long language courses, long weekends in our touring caravan, walking in the lake district and Yorkshire.
In your situation I would go as part time as you can afford, and enjoy some time together, doing things you enjoy.

As some people have pointed out, by the time OP retires, DH may not be in such good health and she will have to care for him instead of enjoying her retirement.

I think if he gets to enjoy the benefit of having a younger wife who can care for him in his later years, she should get the benefit of a slightly earlier retirement.

Five years sounds like a good compromise - 5 extra years of work after he retired, but 5 fewer than the total years he worked. The other option is to go part time, say to 3 days, and then enjoy long weekends with him or doing your own thing.

As for DH's pension being "his" - it is no more his than his wages ever were. It is discussed at considerable length on MN but I think the general consensus is that a couple should share bills etc in proportion to their wages and then whatever money is left "spare" should be split equally.

There are a lot of odd things here @MrsPuddle

When your H was made redundant at 60, (5 years ago) did you never ask if he was going to find another job? Did he want to? Did he try?

Did you not have a conversation about finances and when you would retire?

You see, you chucked in your teaching job a year before that because you were bored with it all (even though it paid well.) Fair enough.

But the job you have now isn't doing it for you- it's boring and you're stuck at home while he is out with his mates.

So what is the REAL issue?

The fact you don't like your job?
OR the fact he's now 65 and has retired?

You were never going to catch up with his age.

Did you assume that when he retired - at 60 or 65- you would too?

Was there never a discussion about it?

It comes over as if you have both sleep-walked into this.

You either have to keep working for longer to pay the bills OR he can get some pt work too even at 65.

Or you could change your job again (you are still very young) and find one you enjoy more.

Or you stop working and join him on his holidays and everything he does that you resent.

I don't expect you will reply because when anyone asks you anything , you don't.

You only reply to the posts that show you an ounce of sympathy.

Yeah I wish my diamond shoes were made of blue diamonds too, OP 🙄

Well, you should have done! My older husband and I discussed this endlessly when we were on the brink of getting together, along with the other aspects raised by the age disparity. We knew how it would be. He retired 12 years before I did (very recent) and took up a lot of the slack in the household chores, but also had a lot of fun with his hobbies. Maybe it helped that I enjoyed my job, and had long expected and accepted it to be like this.
Let us drink together, but not from the same cup…

You cant retire at 55 ffs

you could live another 30 years easily. or 40

so could your husband

I do see your point and understand your feelings but all these comments about him living the life of Riley and 'whooping it up' are conveniently ignoring the fact that when HE was working, wouldn't you have been doing the same? If he was working at 20 that would have made you 10, so unless you were down a mine, I'm guessing you were living the innocent, unfettered life of a child? Your first line says it all; if you liked your job it wouldn't be an issue. So basically you are displacing your resentment onto him instead of taking responsibility for fixing the real issue which is you don't like your job.

YABU. He's done the time, now he can enjoy his retirement.
5 years isn't long for you to wait

When we met and married 28 years ago retirement wasn't even a topic for discussion, never entered our heads.

This would not have entered my head 28 years ago either. The world I was brought up in people weren’t educated on future planning, you worked, usually in physically demanding jobs causing long standing health issues and you got your pension at the end of it if you were lucky enough to live until pension age. No one I knew growing up thought about life insurance unless you were lucky enough to buy a house, 99% lived in council houses. Personal pensions were not a thing in our quarters. Even now I know many people coming up to retirement age and not having a pot to piss in, because what is obvious in the MN financial world wasn’t at all obviously in everyone else’s world.

I was in my 30s before I learnt about pensions, retirement and what security I would need, and the only reason I did learn was because I ended up leaving the world I grew up in and found myself working in finance.

Thank you💐
Fortunately I was able to continue working and I have a reasonable pension.
However my biggest regret is that we weren't able to spend retirement together as planned.

Of course she's not responsible for his choices but she is responsible for staying with someone who clearly makes her unhappy.