for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

He has come to the end of his working life, i cant see a problem. Ive always gone for older men and this is part parcel of it. He will still be paying in at home the same? No problem really. You work for your NI cont too which goes towards your pension...unless you're loaded and can pay those off now and retire? Leave hom to retire, he's earned it...your time will come.

What is your pension like - could it support you? If so if DH needs a carer by the time you retire then you could just tell him to pay for one using his pension while you enjoy yourself.

I agree with this.

It's a shame you hadn't planned for this years ago. He could have worked an extra few years and put the money into your pension pot so that you could both retire at similar ages with a reasonable standard of living.

To retire at 55 is unusual and pretty privileged. To expect him to fund your choice to retire so young by curtailing his lifestyle is something that should have been discussed and agreed decades ago.

I’m in a similar position with DH 6 years older than me (63 to my 57) . I work part time so I think that helps . I do rile him in jest about his care free days while I am tied to the desk and being married to a pensioner but in all honesty I am happy to carry on working until 60 and don’t resent his freedom.
I think my only concern is wether DHs health deteriorates before we have time to enjoy all the big travel plans we have for when I retire at 60. ( a previous posters comment on going from worker to carer slightly worried me)

so how are the finances* *figured out ?

does he put x amount into a pot / joint account for household expenses / bills
and keeps the rest for himself

do you put x amount into a pot / joint account for household expenses / bills and keep the rest for yourself

if you weren't working, how would you contribute to the household expenses / bills ?

or are you expecting him to keep you for x years until your private pension starts ?

can he afford to pay all the household expenses / bills himself ?

I guess he also has his state pension.

of course state pension ages have changed, so you won't be getting yours at 65.

what age can you take your private pension from ?

p.s. he has already worked his extra 10 years, as he is older then you...

We are in a similar position. DH is 6 years younger than me and I have just retired (civil service pension) at 60. I do most of the housework, cooking, gardening and 3/4 of the dog walking.

He and I both agreed we'd slow down from 55, reducing hours, then retire at 60.

He is a bit resentful, I can see that, but I have already worked 44 years... he's done 34 (plus 3 uni). I told him I'll be glad when he retires as the workload at home will be shared - think he thought I'd be carrying on as chief cook, head gardener, and housekeeper!

I've been with my dh since he was in his 50s and me in my 40s and from early doors we've both planned to retire at the same time. Him at 67 and me at 58. For reasons you've mentioned above. Me retiring 9 years after him at 60 would mean he'd be 69 and potentially not able to travel and do the things I/we want to do in my retirement. We're a partnership which includes finances, we've both worked and paid into pensions, it sounds like your dh sees his pension as 'his' and yours is 'yours'.

If you can financially retire now, then I'd do it. If it's simply a case of him being jealous and not wanting you to benefit when he couldn't is him being extremely selfish and childish, and I'd think carefully if I wanted to be with someone who would happily take himself on holidays and fun stuff whilst insisting on you working

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I’d be concerned that when you were ready to retire he might start to suffer from health complaints and then you may be on carers duty.

We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement.

That's the key bit for me that makes you unreasonable. Essentially you want to enforce a drop in living standards on you both to facilitate you stopping work at 55.

YABU.

Of course you should carry on working. You don’t get to retire just because he’s older than you and has already put the years in.

It’s also his pension.

I can see that it doesn’t seem ‘fair’ to him for you to retire now but I would see it as part of the bargain of an age-gap relationship. You get to retire earlier, he gets someone to look after him when his health starts declining. He can’t have all the fun AND the money AND the free care while you get nothing.

My DH and I were in a similar position - he is 7 years older and took his pension at 65 when it was due, I was still working full time. I was lucky enough to have a local government pension I could take from 55 so at 57 when he retired I left my full time job, accessed my private pension and got a part time 2 day job in a local shop. Best thing ever - we still had a good income and loads of quality time together. Covid hit when I was 60 and I just left work completely and it is great now. We discussed and agreed this together as the best life for both of us. Hope you can find a good compromise together.

Can he not share finances? Or have you always gone things separately?

Must admit, I’d be cheesed if I had to work and he was living it up at home.

I’m in a age gap relationship and my partner doesn’t intend to retire in the true stop all work sense until he’s quite a bit past state retirement, but that’s his personality and I think keeps him young/motivated. He intends to do some part time work until 70/72, health permitting. I’d then be early 50s and he envisions us ‘retiring’ then. It’s a few years away so I’ll see how health/work feel then, I think I’d go part time.

I agree with you. My DH is 12 years older than me, has already worked past state retirement age, is working one more year and then we will both retire. I will be 57 and he will be 69. "His" pension pot is our pension pot as we are married and are a team. YANBU OP, but I don't think you'll get the responses you would like on here.

It seems a shame that you're both not pulling together as partners on this but are both resenting the other.

Me and DH are similar age gap and he wants me to retire when he does but I've said I'll go part time so we have more time together while we're young enough to enjoy it but don't have to worry too much about money.

This. My dad is 5 years older, and was a House Husband after he retired—did all the house admin, gardening, shopping, laundry, and cooking (they hired a cleaner). He did have hobbies and do things with friends. OP, I guess it depends on whether he has taken on the load of household tasks whilst you’re working FT? Or has he simply disappeared on a perma-holiday?

This would be my concern as well and a reason I would want to retire earlier than him and which I think is a good reason to do so

It should all be agreed together. It seems unfair that you should be slinging away for another 10 years while he’s off enjoying himself. By the way, I hope he’s doing ALL the household jobs/shopping/cooking etc etc as he’s got so much free time.

Wow. Aren't you a peach. Op is lucky to be able to retire at 60. Many of us won't have this option. How would you feel if a younger partner tried to take the joy out of your long awaited retirement? What a nasty post

I'm your age and will be retiring at 67 when my SRP is due. I would consider this to be the case regardless of what my partner happened to be doing as I'm an individual with my own responsibility to earn my keep and contribute to the world, so I can't really understand why you think your older husband's retirement entitles you to the same. Unless you have ill health, I think you're being rather dramatic at 55 to claim you just can't sit at a screen at home any more. Why on earth not?
With age gaps you are always going to have areas of life where you're out of step with each other. Goes with the territory. But I think its a mistake to try to close that gap by pushing yourself on to their stage, and living the life of a person ten years older. Your time will come soon enough.

60 is definitely now considered early. I’m 44 and am hoping I can be done by 65 but really don’t know. I’m single too so going earlier just won’t be an option. Go to 4 days or see if you can WFH which would definitely help. But I don’t think your husband is unreasonable to think that you would work until 60.

Is his pension more than you earn? Are you not a family, where all money goes into one pot?

Me and DH are same age, after a restructure just before his 55th birthday he took redundancy and retirement option, i would have loved to retire then too, instead I had to work another 2 years before we agreed that I should stop work. I was resentful but he did take over all the household chores including shopping and cooking, still hated it and was so good to finally leave work.