for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

I can't imagine the quality of the marriage where this has become a 'Do as I say' issue.

How is your marriage overall @MrsPuddle ?

I think, being honest, you expected and hoped posters would say your H was wrong. This is because you were a little disingenuous with your subject line and you've not engaged with a lot of questions so no one knows the full story to this.

However, with this age gap, most couples would have a conversation - long before 60- where they said something like -

H- 'I don't want to work beyond 65. Let's look at our finances and see if we can manage if you stop work at 55.' Let's decide what we both want - for ourselves and for us as a couple.'

He could also have asked if you wanted to carry on working beyond 55.
And what you (as a COUPLE) wanted to do when he was 65.
That might mean him doing his own thing while you carried on working longer. full or part time.

Or not. Some women aren't ready to retire at 55.

I can't get my head round a husband dictating how long his wife should work. It shows a complete lack of communication about your future hopes and dreams for the rest of your lives as a couple.

It's telling that you've come to ask strangers about this (but only given a one-sided view) and not said what's happened when you've talked to him about it.

Does he not want to spend time with you?

More likely she has had enough of a thread on a women's forum which seems utterly determined to make her responsible for the behaviour of a self centred man.

She said in a previous post that she had taken the career hit to manage the childcare /domestic responsibilities, leaving him (like most men) significantly advantaged. I've known a few men made redundant at that age who tell people they "retired" - its face saving and an excuse no to find other work. I've seen this play out a number of times over the years.

As for any package - OP said they have been living off her income so if there was a package its long since gone on his lads lifestyle. He has her well trained though after 25-30 years - she even struggles to think of his pension as "their" income which it is whilst he has no trouble living off her income.

I wonder why women with relationship issues bother coming to MN at times - the handmaidens are always out in force to insist she has lived off "his" money and he has "earned" his fake retirement.

It seems he was made redundant.
If he then decided to become a SAHH, then that is shocking. If he failed to find a job (which might well be the case at 60+), it is less shocking. And if he did not get a job after a couple of years, he would not get one when a couple of years from retirement.
It meant she had a SAHH and him doing the housework is not that much of a contribution. That said, we would not consider it outrageous if it was the other way round.

Wait, so he retired early and lived off your income for 5 years, now he's saying you can't do the same?

Nah, I'd retire now if I were you.

Presumably, he is taking care of the household and their finances are shared.
That said, it is still him doing no more than housework and cooking (which is no that much for two grown ups) and she is working full time. It is understandable she will resent it, even if it is not reasonable.

I get it OP. It’s hard to be in a relationship where one person is working full time and the other is enjoying retirement. It’s interesting your DH had no qualms about living off your salary alone for the past 5 years but now his pension is his alone. You gave up a position with an all round better remuneration package to bring up your joint children and that should be seen as an important factor, especially on Mumsnet.
You need to talk about this with your husband because even if you can retire in 5 years he seems to have a nice solo routine set in place and how would that work? It sounds like you’re both living parallel lives and not very together.
Would part time for both of you work? Same hours/days and then time together. Others have mentioned, you don’t want to retire to then just to become a carer. Find a solution together.

My sister is 15yrs younger than her husband. He has had years of retirement, she now is unable to enjoy her late 60s and 70s because he’s 90, and fit for very little except being taken out for ‘little drives,’ and being served, literally, meals bang on time.
Retire now, O P, or you will get no time off at all.

Totally agree . Hurrah for some common sense.

Totally agree.
the money is joint wealth.

You should both retire and share your money, love and time together .
people often forget women may have lesser pensions due to having time off to have children run the home families etc.

I think you are very sensible to consider spending time together .

those people saying you are unreasonable think on this .
my brother died at 50 , my sister at 49, my other brother before 20 and I’m disabled in a chair at 45.

None of these people collected hard earned pensions , none of these people can have a fun retirement with their spouses.

my husband is still working but I’d do anything do he could spend time with me. time together is precious.

you can be robbed of good health at anytime.

if you need extra pin money you can always get a fun job in a cafe etc or.. the golf club bar …😜

That is partly true @MrsTerryPratchett but she could clear it all up by being a bit more open. I can only think she's not replying to questions about his redundancy package, or her own work and earning power because it won't show her in a good light.

I'm not disagreeing over the childcare years but they would be a very long time ago. Maybe since then, he's been the main earner and once he got to 60 and (should have) got a redundancy payment, he decided he didn't want to work.

He could have been given a very generous financial package as redundancy money, tax free.

The thread title is misleading because it was only around 300 posts in that OP said he was made redundant.

Life’s too short. I would consider pensions a joint income for a married couple not his and hers. He’s 10 years older, I would want to enjoy a great retirement together whilst he still has his health. If you wait too long you might find you can’t do the things you planned together. If you can afford to do it, I say go for it. All this talk of pull your weight or it not being fair is bizarre to me. I should think you’d like to enjoy each others company and who earns what in a marriage is largely irrelevant.

They are married though. I have sacrificed my career to have 3 children. It was a couples decision and my pension will always be lower than my husbands as a result. BUT our retirement investments are considered joint as we made a joint decision. Just like they will need to make a joint decision as to when she retires. But I find it strange to consider his money and her money. A marriage is a financial contract.

For five years, before he could draw his pension, he was unemployed. Living in her income.

Do pensions work differently now? Because if he’s in receipt of his pension he’s bringing in money. Money he’s earned over many years of hard work.

What about the 5 years he wasn’t working and it was just her bringing in money?

Yes ive been there, we had the "talk" we decided if we tightened our belts a bit i could go part time, which worked for us.

He’s worked for 40 years, why should he spend his retirement being a live-in maid?

OP wants to retire at 55 and presumably live mainly off his pension, since she won’t have accrued enough years. Too right DH should tell her to put a shift in.

First, we don't know because OP hasn't;t told us.

Second, being made redundant and not getting another job is NOT the same as early years SAHM. At all.

I get you OP. We have a similar age gap and met in our 20s. We’ve had a fantastic life together. DH is now retired and has been for 6 years. I’m working harder than ever. It’s not really about money or planning in advance. It’s about being at two very different stages in your lives, which is completely at odds with the past and quite unexpected, even though you know it’s coming. It’s as much psychological as anything.
It was a massive adjustment for both of us when DH retired. I have worked from home for many years (having compromised my career for family reasons and because it made sense financially) I was used to having the house to myself. I found it hard when he was always there.
What works for us is that DH now works v part-time a few days a week using his professional qualifications in an stress-free but v well paid job, partly from home, partly outside of home. He can decide his own days and hours and can block weeks out at a time. I now run my own tech business. It’s successful and v busy. I have a team of 6 under 35s working for me. I’m interested in this work and not ready to give it up.
With my blessing, DH goes on a couple of big holidays a year with friends. I get the house to myself but miss him dreadfully. He has every Monday and Friday off to potter, read, do what he likes.
I am learning to delegate and take time out of the business. We went to Australia together in February for a month to see our DS. It was amazing. DH went out a week earlier them me and took DS climbing.
Every second weekend we head off to a very beautiful and remote part of the country for three days so it feels like a mini break. I keep in touch with my team remotely.
it’s taken time to adjust but I love our life now. DH will wind down a bit more next February when he gives up a strand of work. But tbh not working at all would be dreadful for him and us as a couple.
You have to think about your own long term future too. I’m pretty reliant on DH’s pension as it’s much better than mine will ever be but all money is joint money and I know I have contributed so much to our joint happiness, I don’t feel an iota of guilt spending it. If he dies before me, I will get half his pension but will need my own income.
My advice is to see how it pans out 6 months down the line. Your DH might be bored and looking to do something more meaningful than socialising - even if that is projects around the house etc. Give him his space now and be genuinely happy for him. Try to build in some flexibility or reduced hours into your own job and join him when you can. You have more power than you think you have at work. Make weekends fun socialising times for both of you and get DH to do the usual weekend chores during the week so you can both be off together.
My DH makes lunch every day for me which is a real treat. We get Hello Fresh which means he can cook an edible meal at night. We take it in turns but he does more cooking now. I did nearly all of it when the kids were with us.
We both do the same online crosswords, quizzes and puzzles and that’s a source of connection even day. We watch TV series together or read the same book so we have plenty to talk about.
I might never fully retire. I love what I do. But after a big adjustment, we’ve found a great compromise and we’re both enjoying DH’s “retirement”. Good luck.

I’ll be 68, NHS since 2005.

I do think your DH is being unreasonable op. Especially now you've clarified that he's been living off you for the past 5 years. I think you do need a serious discussion about finances.

I am really shocked at these posts saying he's been 'living off her'.
Is this how you all behave towards your husbands or wives?

Couples who communicate and care for each other don't work in such mercenary terms!

We don't know what's happened. HE may have had a big lump sum as part of his redundancy @AnneElliott
He didn't retire if you read the posts. He was made redundant at 60.

Also, the OP may in fact have been 'living off him' for years because she took time out for their children, but maybe since has worked just part time - she won't say.

And she gave up a well paid teaching role (because of boredom) a year ago.
And perhaps isn't paid so well now. On balance he has (I bet) out earned her, even allowing for the time she took out of work.

But we wouldn't say she'd been living off him.

Reading your post, it sounds like he's all but divorced himself from you and any responsibilities or shared life together.

Yes to this.

It looks as if you've been ditched, OP.

I had the same situation, my husband retired early 50’s (I’m 11 years younger) I eventually retired in my early 50’s and I’m so glad I did. When I got to 62 he was 73 and had a bad stroke and I’m now his carer. If you can afford it retire asap especially with an older partner. I’ll health in retirement is not what you plan for but is more common than everyone thinks.

This!!

I haven't read through all the responses here but I can imagine people are being unforgiving of the OP.

Of course it feels unfair to her that her spouse is off having fun whilst she's stuck in a job she doesn't like. Anyone would feel like that. Also it needs to be appreciated that regardless of the ages within a couple, the couple should be on a similar page/path in life and I can see why this would bring issues to a relationship.

OP I think you need to go part-time (remember if you go down to 3 days a week, you won't take home 3/5 of your usual net pay, you'll actually take home more than that because of the tax free allowance, try an income tax calculator to see). If you were part-time I think you would have a pleasant surprise at how much more you enjoy your work time and your leisure time, I certainly do (albeit a bit stressful covering the work in reduced hours at times!)