for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

I know on MN it is absolutely frowned upon to go anywhere without your spouse, or even solo, but I have always travelled solo, with friends and with my spouse. I need all those breaks and I often need time away from him and vice versa. I dont see anything wrong with his jolly. He's earned it! DH is off soon on a jolly. And I will take mine later in the year as I can't get away now.

I should also add, that whether or not the DH has 'worked hard', which I'm sure he has, there is a still a substantial gender pay gap and an even bigger gender 'pension gap' so financially speaking this is not a level playing field for the OP or for most women. Remember that men do better financially as a general rule by virtue of gender alone! I don't expect to have money for many 'girl's holidays' when I retire, and I think a good partner would not want their loved one to miss out on leisure opportunities because they haven't earned enough in their career!

Well, exactly. Why is he not going on holidays/trips away with you @MrsPuddle ??? You do have holiday leave do you not? I get 6 weeks a year (plus all the Bank Holidays.) DH gets the same. We both work... Yet shockingly manage to spend quite a lot of time together! (And go on 3 holidays a year together... one 'big' one, and two long weekends...)

Its exactly the advice meted out to SAHMs here who also have a full time job looking after children. They are routinely told they should be doing all or the bulk of the housework and home admin and sneered at whilst their home based activities are minimised.

A healthy retired partner with no children to look after should absolutely be picking up all the home responsibilities - if SAHMs can do it on top of childcare then healthy active 60 something can do it to give both of them a better quality of life and more time together.

Ideally these things would be discussed much earlier but from observation most age gap marriages pick a compromise time so that they have more active retirement years together.

Sounds like the OP is worried that by the time she retires her DH won't be able to do the things she hoped they would do together. If that is so then she can do what he currently does - live the high life with her own activities and friends. However most couples do hope to do stuff together in retirement at least to some extent.

And me ! 😆

The husband isn't showing any signs of wanting to spend time with the op though is he?
He's off on a jolly with the 'lads', doesn't seem to be wishing he could have a holiday with his wife . . .

Lads holidays made me laugh

Does he go on holiday with you as well as his lads holidays while you're working?

I’m a little older than my DH, I have retired at 55. He is still working. I’m lucky I could retire so young. He will retire in the next two years possibly, in a year. I will have been retired four years by then. What you are asking is to work for a decade less time. You may also be short of NI contributions. Mine didn’t start a pension till he was 26, I was 21. We didn’t even know each other back then. At this age gaps really show. I’m just surprised you didn’t talk about it a long time ago.

To be honest, if you have always had the same opportunity as him to earn your own money and pay into your own pension then really it’s up to you to make sure you have done that and planned your retirement.

I get why it’s annoying though. I face a similar thing as mine is 8 years older and plans to retire in 3 years at 58 when I will be 50 and can’t even think about retiring as can’t access my pension until I’m 57 at the earliest. He has already planned a three week trip to Vietnam and Cambodia (somewhere I don’t want to go and can’t take the holidays for) to treat himself when he retires to after 40 years of working. It does wind me up a bit but he said I had University which was a doss in his eyes and only started working at 23 so have only worked 24 years currently and he is right. I’ll just have to suck it up. I do worry about the illness thing too though.

My DH retired at 58 (two years ago), I’m 10 years younger and plan to retire at 60.

I’m pleased for him, he worked for years in a job he didn’t really like, and is now getting some free time to go fishing or walking. He’s had a couple of holidays with friends. Best thing is that he now dies the housework, shopping, cooking, washing etc .. I come in from work, and it’s all done. Lovely

@MrsPuddle

You're still very fortunate to be able to retire at 60!

People really don't think things through and think about the future when they go into age gap relationships. You're always going to be at different points in your life.

If you DO retire at 60, when you are retired, (and in your early 60s,) you have a pretty good chance of being his carer, as he is a decade older than you. A lot of people find their health tends to decline fairly rapidly, when they hit 70-72 years of age.

You seem deeply resentful of him retiring 10 years before you, are you going to be happy caring for him/looking after him if he needs care from his early 70s?

How about you look at the figures and see if there's a way whereby if YOU tighten YOUR belt you can afford to go part time? I think that's the fairest compromise rather than expect him to make savings for your benefit.

There are creative compromises you can make here, but like others have said, if you don't work together like a team and both think of each other in your decisions, then it's a tough situation for you. There are ways to make your time more your own, to develop more autonomy - look at Cal Newport's Slow Productivity book for ideas on how to manage work time really efficiently. I don't know about your employer, but mine allows you to buy additional holiday and go to four days or do compressed hours. Ask your DH to cover some of the domestic chores that you find a grind. Tell him how you feel, but don't make anyone at fault - it's one of those things with age gaps!

I am surprised at the majority of the comments. The OP is not simply being lazy, it would be nice to spend some time with your partner before too old to enjoy. What if then he has health issues in 10 years (more if they move the pension age for OP again), would the OP be expected to look after him? Has she done more work in the house/ most of the child rearing over the years that allowed him to have a great career and hence a bigger pension pot? Really, one can't judge her to be lazy from the information on the post, come on! It is definitely a conversation you could have had ages ago OP but I would be pushing for at least going part time. If he has money for lads holidays he has enough money on the pension pot for you to go part time! A couple is a team, let's not oversimplified and just imply she needs to do work then same years than him.

If you can financially retire now, then I'd do it. If it's simply a case of him being jealous and not wanting you to benefit when he couldn't is him being extremely selfish and childish, and I'd think carefully if I wanted to be with someone who would happily take himself on holidays and fun stuff whilst insisting on you working

I agree do much with this. He can’t possibly care very much about your feelings, if he knows you aren’t happy and he just carry’s on enjoying himself.

So basically by "tighten your belts" you want HIM to stop or severely curtail the things he is enjoying (lads holidays etc), that he's worked hard for and that you admit yourself probably has only a short time frame to keep doing in good health, just because you want to retire 12 years before the pension age?

You really should have discussed this between you before he retired but ultimately if YOU want to retire early it was/is up to YOU to plan and save for that in advance rather than expect your husband to subsidise you. Retiring at 60 is still a good deal earlier than many people can afford.

So bizarre what couples don't talk about.

"We've been together 8 years and he's just said he doesn't believe in marriage."

"We've just had a baby, and partner says they've always wanted the name Bartholomew and they've put that on the birth certificate."

"I want my 3 month old to be christened in the Catholic faith but my partner wants them to be agnostic."

"We have an enormous age gap and he has retired and I want to retire at the same time. We've had 20 years to talk about it but never have."

Maybe these people are having such good daily sex they're always too exhausted to talk about anything.

I can see both sides of the argument, but I would worry about the quality of the relationship......... doesn't OP's husband want to be spending time with her?
When she is 60 he'll be 70: if he makes it that far, plenty of men don't, and as has already been said, he might by then be in such poor health that dream holidays away together are no longer possible.
I have a colleague whose husband is 8 years older than he and retired and they spend every spare minute doing stuff together........ if she could retire she would, but the system doesn't allow her to.
My husband is a few years older than I am and we have made major lifestyle changes : now he is working part time (which I did while DC were young) and doing all the household stuff (as well as managing with his aging parents) while I am putting in more hours and out of the house more in order to qualify for a decent pension. The plan is to retire at the same time, despite the age gap.
Meanwhile we are making the most of being in good health to take holidays and mini breaks together as much as we can.

OP, you need to do stuff you enjoy now : either book something special for you to do with your OH, or if he refuses, then tell him you'll do it on your own, or organise something with your friends.......... Life is too short to be slogging through a job you don't enjoy everyday with no funtime.

True but he will 100% expect her to be around to look after him if his health suffers in 10 years, not off having fun because her time has come.

So you are expecting his pension income to fund your early retirement? YABU.

It is, and I understand your upset.

DH can retire at 51, after 30 years in the Police. I will be approaching 52 but with a tiny pension as I took time out to raise our children. There has been no question with DH that his pension is for us, and when he retires, I retire and we live off his pension together.

That said, his pension will afford us a decent quality of life should his pension have been too small to do that, we both would have continued working.

Mmm I think finances is the issue here. I'm sure the ops partner was looking forward to a certain lifestyle when he retired. If that's not possible because he has to support the op who wants to finish working early I don't blame him for being pissed off.

Reducing hours seems like the best of both worlds here so you get more time to enjoy together, but you’re still earning and not relying entirely on pension.

Yeah. 55 is so so young! Potentially 30 years ahead of you not working. More even.