for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

You do understand her health could also be an issue, age is not something to bet your house on. He could easily out live her or be her carer.

Well yeah exactly. Is the OP's husband meant to have shared his pension with her so she can retire at 50? (when he retired at 60?) I'm all for pooling finances but that's taking the piss.

OP and her husband are clearly at different points in their lives and she clearly resents him. I don't think this marriage has a great future to be honest. Too much difference of opinions and deep resentment IMO.

Bit selfish OP, your husband has worked his time and earned his time off. You need to do the same

Well I guess you have another 5 years to build your pension up to contribute to the family pot.

Maybe they discussed it when she was in her forties, but she feels differently about it now. People can change their minds based on their experiences. Maybe her feelings about working with a retired dh are different than what she imagined or anticipated.

OP is NBU to feel the way she does. She and her husband need to find a way to have a respectful conversation about their plans.

So what was it like when you were younger ? Shared childcare and chores? I'm willing to bet you did 90%+ of it.

Can people not see that this is how men build their fabulous pension pots and women get left behind? If the DH won't step up stuff still has to get done for the DC and it falls to women who then compromise their careers.

I agree with others - he should be doing 90%+ of household stuff also be careful OP, 10 years is a lot as you get older, don't end up using your retirement to care for him. You might want to raise this to set expectations.

55 is very early retirement though, and it does seem you have to forego a lot of your lifestyle if you’d need to tighten your belts, effectively for ever more. I’m afraid I’d also expect you to do your time,and not for ego so much of your pension to go so early.

Yes, forewarned is forearmed op!
Stop doing anything that facilitates your husband's lifestyle and start planning some girls holidays (or whatever it is you most enjoy) for when you are free.
Don't be staying at home keeping the old man company, get out there and live it up! 🍾💃🏻🎶

Do you have your own private pension, or are you expecting him to support you if you retire early?

Where’s the MN family pot gone? 😂🤣😂

I think this is a fair point.

I am in my fifties. When I retire I should
have a very healthy NHS pension. I will
be sharing that with my husband (who will have a lot less) because I want to enjoy life with him. Why wouldn’t I?

But he’s presumably worked (longer than you’re willing) to be entitled to that?

im sorry but I don’t think it’s right that you feel entitled to quit your job and piggy back on his pension despite not having put the years in that he has. The trope that “oh it’s not a partnership if you’re not dipping into each other’s bank accounts” is nonsense. Put the years in that he has and stop being jealous.

Also, this should have been worked out year ago as well given there’s an age difference.

I think this is the answer, he is at home so make sure he is doing the home stuff so when you get home OP you come in to a tidy house, almost of the washing done, shopping done and more often or not a meal ready to go. That way you won’t resent his retirement free time and your work life balance will be improved.

sorry for the bold, it did it without me noticing!

@beergiggles · Today 13:04

I think you need to be careful op, by the time you get to retirement age he will start having health issues and he will expect you to be his carer. You'll go straight from working for money to looking after him.
In other words there will be no freedom for you.

@BettyBardMacDonald

Yep, this is what I would fear...

Yeah this. And I said something similar earlier in the thread. IMO this is why SOME men go for younger women. So they have a built in, oven-ready carer when their health hits the skids. Normally around early to mid 70s for many men. So within several years of the OP retiring, she will very likely be her husband's carer.

It doesn’t sound like you are a team OP. But I bet that would change as you approach retirement and his health deteriorates.

I can’t imagine not either taking the bulk of domestic duties on or encouraging an early retirement/part time working.

My DH is 8 years older than me. He wouldnt see me working (unless I loved it which is possible) while he gets all the freedom to do as he pleases. We are married, and retirement wouldnt be fun for either of us with the other one tied up working all the time. OP I assume he has the house clean and dinner on the table now that you are the person working and he has all this time to himself?

Yes, this is what I would fear.

@Stargazing24

I do know of an age gap couple where he retired much earlier than her and she wanted to join him but ‘wasn’t allowed.’

She 'wasn't allowed' by who?

Well, thats okay but maybe tell him that you expect the same number or years of relaxing fun once you do retire. And if hes not well enough, he'll need to make other arrangements for his own care as you'll be too busy enjoying your well earned retirement.

@Ohfuckrucksack · Today 13:51

The argument that he 'earnt' his pension and should therefore be able to enjoy it whilst the OP carries on doing the daily grind annoys me.

It might 'annoy you' but it's still a fact. OP's husband has earned his stripes. Why should the OP NOT carry on working til 60? (Like her husband did?!) She is 10 years younger than him. Are you suggesting she should have retired at 50 (when he retired at 60?) All the LOLz!

I know you are a couple but surely there should be an element of personal choice in when you choose to retire. Thank god I am middle aged and single and it’s up to me when I retire. Also even if you make plans for retirement you can change your mind.

Obviously if the finances don’t add up and it will be a struggle to survive you need to discuss it together.

I do know of an age gap couple where he retired much earlier than her and she wanted to join him but ‘wasn’t allowed.’

Can you change your job or reduce your hours? Are there any other options you can think of ?

He should indeed be picking up more of the household work, but I can see why he'd be wanting to enjoy the most of early retirement.

What

Our age gap is similar (55 & 67). DH has only state pension and plans to continue working part time until he can't work anymore, partly for financial reasons and partly because he says he'd go mad without some work to do (he's self-employed so can choose what he does).
I have a very small pension which won't keep me / us so I will have to carry on working until at least 67 but probably longer if I can.

I do worry that we won't ever get time together when we are both not working - by the time I am 67 DH will be 79 and although he's pretty fit and healthy at the moment, I doubt he's going to be up for the same amount of activity in his 80s.

But I knew all this when we got together (6 years ago). So we plough on and make the most of the times we do have. He has quite an active life with various things (the famous MN 'hobbies'). My social life has to be mainly after work, which means late night and very early start and I am exhausted most of the time, but it's how it is.

The argument that he 'earnt' his pension and should therefore be able to enjoy it whilst the OP carries on doing the daily grind annoys me.

It's equivalent to saying well he earns more than me so he can afford to go on holiday and I stay at home.

Larger pensions are often facilitated by the other partner taking on a more supportive/job role that does not attract the same level of pension - and yet some people suggest that this means they just keep working longer.... and yes, then take on caring duties - sod that game!

They are married, finances should be shared. One of them should not enjoy a significantly different lifestyle to the other.