for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

Marriage is a partnership, it is about sharing.

But it's about sharing the tedious, dull things as well as the nice things.

You can't cherry pick.

You can't decide to share taking money out of the pension pot and also decide to not share putting money in.

That's because financial education in this country is practically nonexistent, sadly.

he has a right to enjoy his retirement, he could be dead soon, you never know what's around the corner. my dad didn't even make it to retirement, not everyone does.

Well that changes things! So he didn't retire at 60, he was unemployed!

Why didn't he get a job, any job would have been better than nothing.

Why isn’t he working? Why hasn’t he worked for the last five years? Why has he been living off your wages? At 70 he may not be active for you. Will he begrudge you going on jollies with your friends while he sits at home yelling at clouds? Or will he have spent all your money by then? This doesn’t sound very equitable.

So you managed on your wage for 5yrs but he won't let you manage on his pension for 5yrs until you also get yours?

It doesn’t sound as though living off dhs pension is realistic. At 65 he won’t even be getting state pension yet, just his private one which you have said is not big. I think if it was easily affordable for you both to live well off his pension, he’d already have suggested it.

Just divorce him and look after yourself op, sounds like he has used you for years and years and likes it all his own way.

Not rtft but that's the point of marriage vows. In sickness and in health

If you took the hit pension-wise because you had kids, then your DH is being absolutely feckin' outrageous. How dare he not see what he accrued off the back of your domestic labour is yours too! Other posters are right, you'd be better off divorced - not only would you get half the assets, including his pension, but you'd be free of caring for him when he's older.

I'd make this very, very clear to him.

A lot of that is because financial education in this country is shocking. Can be seen on a lot of threads on here by the amount of people who have little understanding of taxes, mortgages and pensions and think they are safe by combining all money together

As couples plan any finances it should be long term and not just about the next short term milestone

Well, that's a dripfeed if there ever was one!

So OP has paid work and they both live off the money from that.
He has a pension and spends that on himself?
Have I got that right?
Does he do any of the domestic work, do we know?

So for five years he lived off your income until his pension kicked-in at 65?

Well to be honest they should! Especially if there is a big difference in age or financial/career potential positions.

Long term plans and expectations should be discussed once a relationship has become serious. Just like whether or not children are on the agenda for either or both parties and the likely timescale.

A big age gap us not something to be entered into lightly. I may have to be DP's carer one day but I knew this when I agreed to a life partnership with him. He supported me financially when the DC were small and it was all part of the contract between us. Life didn't go quite according to plan financially (unexpected redundancy for him and a very inconvenient relocation for me) but we were enough on the same page to roll with it and delay our retirements.

Too many people are financially naive when entering into relationships.

Yes, I know all that, but it seems like you never bothered to talk about it at all. Not when you dropped to PT hours, not when he was approaching retirement, not even when he retired

Retirement is a huge thing for most people and should be talked about way in advance. You knew you had an age gap and that he'd be retiring first, so it baffles me that neither of you ever talked about it or made any plans for it.

So he didn’t retire early, he lost his job and didn’t get another one between 60-65?

You are both at fault by not being prepared for a joint retirement

There are 10 years between my mum and dad and my dad worked longer to allow my mum to retire earlier. Thats what planning and having a balanced relationship is about

Now that is a problem. Why did you let him live off your income alone? Why could he not get a job until his pension kicked in? Are you subsidising lads holidays?

My father retired at 60 when my mother was 56. At the time she said she wished he would keep working longer, as she felt too young to retire, but they were lucky enough to be able to afford it, so she stopped working too. They had a great time together, then at 70 my father got cancer. He died at 71. My mother said in retrospect she was very glad he retired at 60 because they had a wonderful decade together. You never know what the future will bring but, if you can afford to retire and join in the fun with your husband then that’s what I would recommend.

It isn't really about having children, you'd feel the same if you had no children or had been a SAHM. The bottomline is you don't like your job and you envy him which is understandable. He feels he worked till he was 60 and that is a good retirement age which is also understandable. Look at ways round this, can you come to an agreement about a retirement date, would changing jobs help, would going part time help. I worked till 70 but it was part time and it was a very sociable friendly place to work, I don't think I'd have worked till 70 if I was doing a job that made me miserable.

I think saying you can’t plan for retirement in the future is pretty disingenuous. You can make plans…run through ‘what if’ scenarios, have a loose idea, etc. then you throw money at all of those musings to give you future options… then when the time starts to draw nearer you can then start to solidify all of the things you planned.

That’s what DH and I (4 year’s difference in age) have been doing for about 5 years. He’s about 3 years from retiring with a full pension (US so this will start paying the month after he retires from his job even though he’ll be under the age to access any other retirement funds) and I won’t be able to access any of my retirement funds for about 15 more years.

We’re both looking at ‘next stage’ careers/jobs that start us on the path to full retirement to happen probably within 10 years. He’ll probably be fully retired before I am .. but I plan to contract to have longer downtimes.

Over the years our ideas have shifted a bit but we are getting closer to starting to enacting some of our plans. sure life will throw us a few curveballs, but I can’t imagine not having these types of conversations and agreements. I mean what you woke up today and thought I’ll make a decision about the next 30 years? That seems a bit off.

Are you out and about at weekends with your DH and enjoying holidays together when you have leave?

And if it's the experience he is currently enjoying you are envious of won't it be different if you retire as neither of you will be able to afford it?

Mumsnet is bizzare sometimes. I don't know many 20 year olds who are having conversations with their partners about pension plans.

What does he say when you try to discuss it OP? Have you mentioned that you changed career when you had children and your pension is smaller because of it?

My husband has been medically retired for years. I do sometimes feel jealous that I’m getting up at silly o’clock and whilst he sleeps in but it is what it is. Life can be like that - you can choose to crack on or simmer with resentment. I just get on with it.