In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

What kind of event is it? Saying she can come if someone else drops out indicates it’s a pay per person thing, rather than a party at someone’s house? I can see why they would do this if space is limited. She’s not their family at the end of the day. That’s unfortunately what you risk by being in this situation.

Would it not be important to you? 🥴

Doesnt matter how many parties she has hosted. Wtf is wrong with you?

This

"They don't see her as family"... She's not though. They want to see their own grandchildren, not someone else's. Is that really that unreasonable?

Grandparent relationships are nice if they work out but not essential if they don't, if step-related that's even more the case.

Fuck that. The whole family come as a package. I’d rather eat shit than join people if they preferred it if my child wasn’t there and pretended she didn’t exist in their family.

OP this would be the death toll of the entire relationship for me.

Horrible twats

I would start turning up with your elder dd if her dad will change contact. See how it goes then if they start deliberately asking for her not to come you and your DH have a hard conversation.

You can’t force people to have a certain relationship with your daughter. She means the world to you as she is YOUR daughter but she isn’t related to your husbands brother or his wife or even your husbands mother so they obviously do not see her in the same way their view their blood nieces/nephew/grandchildren.

Its a tough pill to swallow but as long as she’s treated kindly when in their presence you have to just accept that people do have different feelings towards blood relatives and step. I know it’s going to be an unpopular opinion but it’s true.

If they are deliberately choosing the weekend she's at her dad's to avoid inviting her is pretty mean. On the other hand if they had checked with your dh ahead and he said she wouldn't be there, it's quite possible that is why she wasn't invited, not out of malice

I'm afraid I would say 'don't worry about planning events based around my daughter being away with her dad anymore, because I won't be coming to any more of your get-togethers and DD won't be either'. What horrible people.

The answer is not to tell the in-law family when your DD's contact weekends are. And if they ask, you and your DH need to agree to answer with "why do you ask?"

Sounds like the best way. No need for a drama.

@Spriots you have just provided a great name to inspire me to create one of the most evil characters in my book. Cool name, thanks.

I think it's a bit odd actually that you would rearrange her contact with her dad so she could attend an event with her stepparent 's family. I think most people would stick with the contact schedule.

I also think that if you haven't noticed an issue up to now, presumably they are inclusive and kind to her when they see her. So it's more that they just sometimes prefer just their family which doesn't seem totally unreasonable to me especially when they have been so subtle about it that it's taken you 10.years to notice

I'd put on a united front. All of you or none. Don't attend an event your DD is being excluded from, sends the wrong message

They dont want her there but they don't want to hurt your feelings

If having all three of your children at a family get together is so important to you, how many family get togethers have you hosted?

To not be named on the invite says it all really. Premeditated exclusion of a 10 year old child.

I can see why it might be upsetting but the older daughter has another family which the other children do not and they would not be invited to those events - there will be events where this happens and I don't really think the SIL/MIl have done anything wrong

Yeah I mean that’s just general chit chat surely. Do you have any cousins on your dads side isn’t some kind of snide insult it’s a question no different to asking a friend you make as an adult if they have siblings frankly.

I honestly can't imagine the amount of effort that must go into purposefully choosing dates on which your DD won't be there. I'm not sure what's worse - having family events and not inviting step children or going out of your way to choose dates when step children can't go.

Yes you were being illogical. It's an absolutely normal question to ask of a step-niece in that situation. She was involving her, which is surely good?

In SIL's place I would almost certainly ask the same question, considering it showing interest in her.

She wasn't "othered" at all - a woman who had just given birth was trying to make polite conversation with a child and showing an interest in her other family members. You are overthinking that. Also I don't see the problem with there being casual family events when your oldest DD is with her dad. If she was left out of weddings or Christmases or anything important then that's completely wrong but for some meetings I think it's fine. If your DD withdraws when asked a simple question like the above then I can see why they might want some meet ups without her there.

Does SIL know if your OD has any cousins on her father’s side?

You’ve picked up on a pattern and have been inadvertently involved in the vileness of their behaviour.

I can understand you being sensitive now. I would feel repulsed by them too.

In the multiple similar threads there have been about this in the past month, there have been many posts by the second and third children in these situations who have resented not having relationships with their grandparents, uncles etc because their mother stopped contact the way you say you would.