In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

Seriously, this sounds like a big event. Would everyone involved really arrange it around the absence of your husband's step daughter?

I honestly can't imagine that with all the other factors around hotel/restaurant availablity (not to mention the availability of all the family members and friends of both people on the couple) that your daughter being with her dad would be front and centre.

why would I alter that so she could go to an unrelated person’s wedding reception.

So everyone at the reception will be biological relatives then?

When people have further children with a second partner they need to accept that it’s not going to be like the Brady Bunch where everyone blends together perfectly.

Your FIL left money to his family, your eldest is not his family as much as you may think that’s the case. Your eldest will likely inherit from her dad’s family and if they don’t because of financial circumstances that’s the way it is. It’s not your FIL’s responsibility to fill that gap

I have both a step mum and a step dad and it wouldn’t have occurred to either of my parents to make an issue if an event was planned when I was with the other and I never felt like I was missing out. Same as an adult, I have never been invited to weddings in step family and I have never thought to be upset, as they are not my family

I’d find this hurtful and probably bow out of this event while I reevaluate. I’m a step parent to two DSS and DH is a step parent to my DS since he was one. My MIL and FIL are lovely people and include DS as their grandchild, send him presents etc. DH recently let me know they’ve changed their will to split it 3 ways between the grandkids which really surprised me. I don’t expect them to treat him the same but it’s lovely that they do.

This summer we are flying back to see them and DH’s family, just me, DH and DS as the DSC’s mum refuses to give permission for them to travel. MIL said it was a shame (and is flying out here to see them instead) but she’s thrilled DS is coming anyway.

You can’t force someone to want to be a family with your kid but it’s nice when they remember that they are in fact just kids. Who didn’t ask to be in this situation.

I can't fathom the mentality of a bunch of adults who'd go out of their way to plan events only on certain weekends, simply to exclude a child they're not related to. Spiteful, childish and pointless behaviour. If I were your DH I'd be ashamed of them, and tell them so. Disappointing if he doesn't.

Your DH is a massive part of the problem. He patently doesn't view your DD as a part of his wider family either. I couldn't be with a man who colluded in excluding my child.

This is so not okay and those that are saying it is or it's a misunderstanding - if you were the sil saying you wanted to purposely exclude a child in this way your arse would be handed to you on a plate.

Vote with your feet. No invite for your daughter no attendance from you or your other children. Excluding in this way is cruel, it is a shame they would do this but there is no way they should get away with it.

This reminds me of when I was fostered. I was never treated as part of the family. Obviously I knew I wasn't related, same as your eldest daughter in relation to your dh family, but it still felt shit. I was a child where adults were acting in a way that was awful and mean. Exactly what is their issue? She is a human being with feelings, being brought up by their son and brother who they must knew loves her, yet they think it is okay to leave her out.

Time for your dh to step up. It's not like he married you not knowing you and a child...

I either wouldn't go. Or go and not take your other dc if that's an option.

I think your expectations are too high but I also think they are wrong to deliberately exclude her.

you can’t define family for other people. Your daughter isn’t adopted by your husband and so not a granddaughter or niece. It would be lovely if his family saw her as part of your family and therefore theirs, but you can’t force them to.

you are absolutely going to be disappointed if you expect her to be treated equally in terms of family money.

but….they should include her in family events.

They don’t differentiate between girls when in front of them but younger two benefitted from insurance policy when FiL died.

But she's not his grandchild - why would she benefit?

How do your in-laws know when your daughter is with her dad? Are you telling them? Or might your DH be one of the culprits here too as he'd clearly know when she isn't going to be around if his family are asking him when should they have an event?

Why don't you look in your own immediate family grouping to find out how the in-laws are finding out and then take it from there. I don't think any of your DH's side are covering themselves in glory here...

They don’t differentiate between girls when in front of them but younger two benefitted from insurance policy when FiL died.

Well of course. He wasn't your DD's grandfather.

It's SIL's wedding celebration and not only is she happy your eldest won't be there but your MIL actively chose the date knowing she was with her dad? Fuck that. Your DH should be advocating for his step daughter more and telling his family that their deliberate exclusion is cruel and won't be tolerated. Failing that, don't go and don't let the youngest two attend either as a point of principle.

What does your H think of it all? How long has he been her step-father?

But the OP wouldn't be there with her Ex's family would she?

The OP has 3 children. Her new husband has presumably taken on the oldest so they are a family

I think that attitude of leaving one out stinks

OP your MIL and the rest of her family are awful. How any adult can treat a child like that is beyond me. Of course you cannot force them to take on the role of family but why on earth the would exclude i child i will never know. I have 3 step Grandchildren, i fact if you get down to the nitty gritty 2 of them belong to my husbands step daughter with his first wife. In my eyes they are my Grandchildren and will be treated as such. In your shoes ( and i would hope your DH supports you) i wouldn't be attending any event unless all of my children were included on the invitation.

That’s fairly clear cut, then.

It does appear that they are deliberately arranging events when your DD is with her father and I think that's sneaky and mean. I have a little more respect for them if they were upfront and admitted they didn't want her there because she it not 'family'. Not a lot, just a tiny smidge.

What would you like to happen Thoroughly ? I personally couldn't let it go un-commented upon. And that's putting it diplomatically which is not something I'm known for

It would be nice if they took your eldest under their wing but I don't think it should be expected. Your eldest will surely be doing things with her DF's family on her weekends with him? I think it's a sensible way to organise family visits.

Ideally the majority of visits to your side of the family should be on weekends that your eldest is around as it is more beneficial for her to spend time around her own blood than step relatives.

As some PPs have said, weddings and big occasions are different. Your eldest should be invited to these in an ideal world.

Nothings wrong with me. It’s a question - that’s how this works.

The OP says it’s only just dawned on her that every time her SIL or MIL organise family get togethers, they happen to fall on a date her eldest isn’t there and she no longer thinks that’s by chance.

She doesn’t comment on how they get on when they do see her eldest - how often does OP have all the family over?

If she and her husband are not hosting their share of family get togethers and thereby encouraging the wider family bonds, it a bit much for her to complain that her husband’s wider family don’t see her eldest as wider family.

He shouldn’t think your dramatic OP.

It’s absolutely horrible that some people ‘other’ step children even when they all live together.

My ex raised dd1 and would have said quite bluntly - where’s DD1s invite?