In-laws arrange events knowing my eldest will be at her dad’s

Just because your dh sees her as family doesn’t mean his extended family have to see her as such

What the actual FUCK have I just read?????? Yes! Yes they do if they want to be a part of their own son/daughter's life! JFC

If my in laws did this with my DD, I'd never speak to or see them again and neither would my DH. Ever.

I wonder if that stipulation gets passed on to the ex? No fun events outings or family parties for the dd while away?
It's a great way to Foster resentment, 'no you can't do anything without your older sister, and if she's not here you can't see family'?

But we really don't know that that's the case. As I said earlier, are the people who are organising a big event at a hotel, really going to prioritise the non-availability of a step family member? Organising these things hinges on the availability of the venue, the caterers, all the family members and friends that both sides of the couple WANT to be there and probably other things.

I genuinely can't get my head round the whole thing being organised in order to exclude a minor family member. I think it's highly unlikely.

No I was fine in one sense. The extended family was actually the better part for much of it.

I just knew what was my family my blood and family by choice, and that I wasn’t raised to have expectations of those who don’t have to do more than be pleasant.

Maybe stop spoiling the oldest step at the expense of the biological relationships. All this all or none to refuse the younger children events with their actually family to what save the feelings of the pfb who’s actually off with their actual family.

This only ever happens when it’s a mum btw. Dads don’t force their wife’s family to bend over backwards for his children, yes the wives all do this my children are just as important. Yes to you, not them. Enjoy the resentment and what not, when the youngest are angry because they missed out from your own adult guilt of being a blended family.

I also wasn’t the younger one I was the older 🙃

You can’t control everyone . It’s only a big thing if Op makes it one. Where is the need.

I agree. I am a stepchild who was welcomed and included and I have stepchildren and now step-grandchildren who have been welcomed and included. These threads (and there are quite a few) where people constantly defend excluding stepchildren are among the saddest on MN.

But the in-laws are purposely choosing time when the daughter is at her Dads? Purposely excluding her? That might be okay in your world but in mine they would get none of us. It's cruel.

The reality is that step grandparents take a risk when they accept a SGC into the family and get close to them. As, potentially do other members of the family.

My DD's BIL was with his second partner for about seven years. Her daughter ended up much loved by his mother who welcomed them both into the family warmly. Then they split up, and BIL's mum has never seen the girl again.

Even my little DGD is missing her 'big girl cousin' and can't understand where she's gone .

Obviously that's not a reason to deliberately exclude anyone. But it's also a reason why (for instance) it's reasonable for a step grandfather's insurance payout to be for the grandchildren who are actually related to him.

Quite.

Your H and his family are frankly unpleasant. Do they think they’re the fucking Mitchells or something? Your poor daughter is left out in the cold by all of them.

So can I guess you wasn't treated as well as you should have been... They can work and they do.. lots of amazing step parents and inlaws that don't cut the kids out. I'm sorry if that was the case and you was cut out, you didn't deserve that. 😔

It’s not just up to OP. She’s already said her DH wants to take their DC and that’s okay.

I think we need to stop believing in this myth of Blended Families. It very rarely happens. The disparity between how Mumsnet views how children should be treated when they are children and when they might inherit shows that relationships with wider step families are transient. And that is fine. They are 'for now' families as opposed to 'always' families in the way your blood relatives are.

There is a difference and we need to stop pretending that there isn't.

But your daughter does stuff with the other side of her family when you’re not there so why should everything your end revolve around her??

here, if it’s your weekend then you’re included, if it’s not , then you’re not. Simple.

we don’t overthink or make a fuss.

This. All or none from today forward.

Agree!

It sounds fine to me

But the child's mother is part of the family I guess.

@SemperIdem 's comment here is very smart: "Life doesn’t revolve around a child’s contact arrangements.

I do things with my stepchildren when my child is with their dad, I do things with my child when my step children are with their mum.

We do things altogether of course, but it is fine for life to not standstill in their absence too."

So is limiting the information you share with in-laws so they can dictate or control the planning of events to exclude. Also, a unified front between you and your partner about how your blended family socializes. Somewhere between all these small changes is a solution: you will be letting people know how to treat you going forward.

OP how you deal with is kind of going to set you up for the future.

Id be so offended if my in laws where organising stuff around one of my kids bring away

He is part of the problem because he clearly doesn’t see her as part of his family.

I think it's hideous behaviour. My nana always treated my brother and sister as if they were her grandmother and took them on holiday with us always. No one was ever left out. Why take it out on kids just because they aren't related.

He most definitely doesn’t see why they should see her as family.

That’ll be a large part of their reasoning.

What's not fair is nasty ppl who want to make a 10 year feel out of place in their own family.

But she will be with her family - she will be with her dad. It’s not as if she will be sitting at home with a babysitter while everyone else is partying

I’m a now adult child from a blended family 😂 that’s why I say they don’t work anyway.

With expectations as low as yours there's no hope for blended families is there . Op absolutely does have the right to expect more. They are a blended family and reasonable and kind ppl don't begrudge a 10 year involvement in a family event. Said child is a family member!! End of . If the inlaws are too vile to see that then that's their issue don't blame op for wanting her child there with all your 'that's not fair on the child' rubbish. What's not fair is nasty ppl who want to make a 10 year old feel out of place in their own family.